victims of abuse support for submissives

[Dea Menrfa]

I would like to mention another severe form of abuse... it is spiritual abuse.

People who manipulate others and blame it on God's will.

I could go on and on about this... as it was a rather large portion of my abuse experiences.

Not only does this interfere with our ability to grow as an individual, but also can inhibit our relationship with God. (not meant to be religiously exclusive, but don't know what other higher powers the readers of this post may have)

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by Dea Menrfa:
another severe form of abuse... it is spiritual abuse. People who manipulate others and blame it on God's will.

I was abused by a nun, supposedly one of God's representatives on earth, supposedly doing God's work. Just because someone claims to be working for God does not mean that they cannot be abusers and it does not excuse their behavior.

[Synfall]

For you as well..we'll keep that fuzzy blanket within reach...don't feel obliged, feel safe..

Thank you Rowen

But you have just joined us. You don't have to relate your whole story with your first or second post. Come and participate. When you are ready, share. And only share what you are comfortable with.

And thank you as well, ashtonDs

You guys are all very sweet.
Actually I'm fairly comfortable with sharing my story, though. It's what I percieve as my resulting weaknesses that I have trouble dealing with. I know I'm probably not as weak as I feel about myself, but understanding and believing, truly believing, are completely different things.

My father was abusive when I was younger, and nearly killed us on several occasions before my mother ran away with us and filed for a divorce. Then we lived with her parents for a while. I would like to say that that they are nice people. Actually they are, but they are also very cruel in their own way. They never raised a hand to any of us, but they, my grandmother in particular, have a way of making their words feel like invisible razor blades that dance under your skin, even years after the fact. And yes, they too used their religion as an excuse to attack us and our decisions over the years.

I've never understood why it's so much harder to escape abuse that's delivered under the guise of meaning well. I guess when the people in question aren't trying to physically harm you it's harder to hold their actions up to past experience and say, this is just as bad as that. Maybe it's just the fact that physical abuse leaves a visible mark and is harder to hide.

The worst part about it is I learned a number of reactive behaviors when I was very young and never questioned whether or not I should behave that way until very much later. Even now I don't always recognize abuse the instant it's happening or know how to make it stop if I do recognize it. Sometimes wonder if there isn't something about those behaviors that make people target me over some of the people around me without ever thinking about it because they sense my unfortunate willingness to tolerate beyond what I should?

I have had several times where my (boss/ coworkers/ customers / teachers) attempted to take advantage of my quiet nature. I know I don't have to take any of their crap. But I also know I can handle anything a (stranger/coworker/boss/teacher) hands out, because they don't know me well enough to know exactly where they have to apply pressure before I break.
I don't know what it will take to hurt them, and am unwilling to lash out to find out, especially since I know so well how an abusive remark, even in retaliation, can have long term effects.
Still, it gets frustrating, and tiring, always feeling like I'm on the defensive. It makes it very difficult to get close to people, and to trust them.

[claire]

Your instincts are good. Lashing out at others is not always the best response to someone who is taking advantage or abusing us. I just wrote out part of a long response giving advice on how you might handle similar situations, but I realized you weren't asking for advice. You have your own way of handling those situations and who is to say mine would be any better.

It sounds like your grandparents were emotionally abusive, that can be even worse than physical abuse. If they used words and emotions to hurt others, then no they were not nice people. They may have done some kind and generous things for you, but they definitely were not nice.

[Synfall]

It sounds like your grandparents were emotionally abusive, that can be even worse than physical abuse. If they used words and emotions to hurt others, then no they were not nice people. They may have done some kind and generous things for you, but they definitely were not nice.

Maybe I should have clarified. They were nice to everyone else. We have a very strong tendency to act normal around others, so I know they can be nice. As to the rest of the family (primarily my mother and myself), you are right, they are emotionally abusive. I don't think they even realize how dangerous their words are. I'm sure they wouldn't mean to say such things if they truly understood the impact of their words because I know they love us very much. I am very uncomfortable with myself right now because I feel I am making excuses for them and there isn't one. Period. Since I have not been able to make them understand my limits in this regard I try to limit my contact with them as much as possible and when I can't avoid them I limit the conversations to very banal subjects.

I just wrote out part of a long response giving advice on how you might handle similar situations, but I realized you weren't asking for advice. You have your own way of handling those situations and who is to say mine would be any better.

Claire, if you want to go ahead and write down any advice please feel free. It may be different from my own way of dealing, but it can't be any less valid, and we might learn something from it. In fact please do. I would love to learn how other people deal with abuse that doesn't come from family or lover.

Often we think of abusers in terms of people who are closer to us, but there are times when people instinctively seem to know how to hit your weak spot and will attack you, perhaps without even realizing that they are attacking you.
But what people don't always realize is maybe that one last cutting remark they made was the last straw that sends their waitress over the edge to committing suicide that she's been so busy thinking about that she's been giving them lousy service. Maybe she was just trying to cut you down to build herself up so she could hold on a bit longer.
Not really an excuse, but I've just never felt comfortable imagining that I could be the one who could have made a difference for someone and didn't just because I felt justified in being nasty back.

[Rowen]

Maybe I should have clarified. They were nice to everyone else. We have a very strong tendency to act normal around others, so I know they can be nice. As to the rest of the family (primarily my mother and myself), you are right, they are emotionally abusive. I don't think they even realize how dangerous their words are. I'm sure they wouldn't mean to say such things if they truly understood the impact of their words because I know they love us very much. I am very uncomfortable with myself right now because I feel I am making excuses for them and there isn't one. Period. Since I have not been able to make them understand my limits in this regard I try to limit my contact with them as much as possible and when I can't avoid them I limit the conversations to very banal subjects.

.

Synfall, children always want to believe that their parents mean well...since it "wrong" to be angry with them. However, many abusers are respected members of society but tyrants at home! In if they really love you, they sure have peculiar way of showing that, don't you think? If they really love, if they really are interested what is best for you...shouldn't notice that they are hurting you by saying what they say?

[Rowen]

. And yes, they too used their religion as an excuse to attack us and our decisions over the years.

I've never understood why it's so much harder to escape abuse that's delivered under the guise of meaning well. I guess when the people in question aren't trying to physically harm you it's harder to hold their actions up to past experience and say, this is just as bad as that. Maybe it's just the fact that physical abuse leaves a visible mark and is harder to hide.

That is exactly why it so cruel..putting the fear of God in your child..hurting them while telling it is in their best interest, burden them with immense guilt if they even think that its wrong what is happening...that is indeed emotional sadism.

The worst part about it is I learned a number of reactive behaviors .... Sometimes wonder if there isn't something about those behaviors that make people target me over some of the people around me without ever thinking about it because they sense my unfortunate willingness to tolerate beyond what I should?

I have had several times where my (boss/ coworkers/ customers / teachers) attempted to take advantage of my quiet nature. I know I don't have to take any of their crap. But I also know I can handle anything a (stranger/coworker/boss/teacher) hands out, because they don't know me well enough to know exactly where they have to apply pressure before I break.
I don't know what it will take to hurt them, and am unwilling to lash out to find out, especially since I know so well how an abusive remark, even in retaliation, can have long term effects.
Still, it gets frustrating, and tiring, always feeling like I'm on the defensive. It makes it very difficult to get close to people, and to trust them.

You are doing well, you are recognizing patterns, and yes, taking responsibility as well. My compliments for that..and trust me...you are gonna do well...
Because what you describe is perhaps the most devious result of emotional abuse. It imprints behavioiur in you that seems normal and natural to you, but indeed can make you vulnerable, uncertain and neglecting your own needs, feelings. And yes, some people learned otherwise, recognizing those patterns and by that knowing within instant who to lash at..