For you as well..we'll keep that fuzzy blanket within reach...don't feel obliged, feel safe..
Thank you Rowen
But you have just joined us. You don't have to relate your whole story with your first or second post. Come and participate. When you are ready, share. And only share what you are comfortable with.
And thank you as well, ashtonDs

You guys are all very sweet.
Actually I'm fairly comfortable with sharing my story, though. It's what I percieve as my resulting weaknesses that I have trouble dealing with. I know I'm probably not as weak as I feel about myself, but understanding and believing, truly believing, are completely different things.

My father was abusive when I was younger, and nearly killed us on several occasions before my mother ran away with us and filed for a divorce. Then we lived with her parents for a while. I would like to say that that they are nice people. Actually they are, but they are also very cruel in their own way. They never raised a hand to any of us, but they, my grandmother in particular, have a way of making their words feel like invisible razor blades that dance under your skin, even years after the fact. And yes, they too used their religion as an excuse to attack us and our decisions over the years.

I've never understood why it's so much harder to escape abuse that's delivered under the guise of meaning well. I guess when the people in question aren't trying to physically harm you it's harder to hold their actions up to past experience and say, this is just as bad as that. Maybe it's just the fact that physical abuse leaves a visible mark and is harder to hide.

The worst part about it is I learned a number of reactive behaviors when I was very young and never questioned whether or not I should behave that way until very much later. Even now I don't always recognize abuse the instant it's happening or know how to make it stop if I do recognize it. Sometimes wonder if there isn't something about those behaviors that make people target me over some of the people around me without ever thinking about it because they sense my unfortunate willingness to tolerate beyond what I should?

I have had several times where my (boss/ coworkers/ customers / teachers) attempted to take advantage of my quiet nature. I know I don't have to take any of their crap. But I also know I can handle anything a (stranger/coworker/boss/teacher) hands out, because they don't know me well enough to know exactly where they have to apply pressure before I break.
I don't know what it will take to hurt them, and am unwilling to lash out to find out, especially since I know so well how an abusive remark, even in retaliation, can have long term effects.
Still, it gets frustrating, and tiring, always feeling like I'm on the defensive. It makes it very difficult to get close to people, and to trust them.