victims of abuse support for submissives

[enseignez-moi]

So I've been watching this thread for a while and like most who watch for a while and then share, I realize my time has come to share.

I always thought my want for submission was wrong. That it was some horrible manifestation of my ever-present role of the abused. I know it's a part of me and maybe that is part of it, but it's something I'm coming to terms to dealing with.

I spent my life being verbally, emotionally, and physically abused by my mother. I thought that everyone got hit for being stupid. That bruises were normal. Doesn't everyone hide under the covers, quaking in fear? Apparently not. Like many, the first time the word "abuse" came up in therapy I was appalled. That's not me! That's not how it was! I'm much stronger now and realize that just because I was abused does not make my mom the monster many would paint her to be. She was older when she had me. Older and blind, literally. It does not negate what she did. It wasn't right. But she is human. She made big mistakes. But I have started the process of forgiving her.

Self-abuse and depression are both issues I've been dealing with since the tender age of 12,if not earlier. eleven years later and i'm finally starting to get a handle on it. two years, 8 months self injury free!

and the worst part of it... i was in two abusive relationships. I was raped in both. Several times. I did really well at forgetting and remembering only the good times. Both relationships being with another woman, I was under the belief that it wasn't rape. how could another woman really rape you? Well they can. There are many forms of violation and penetration and in both cases it happened. more than once. I didn't actually piece together the abuse/rape by these two woman until I met my current partner/Domme. She has her own abuse history and her telling me about what she remembers triggered nightmares and memories long buried.

I was wondering if anyone else shares abuse histories with their Domme and if so, how do you deal with it? BDSM sex is sometimes great, sometimes triggers us both. We work hard to communicate and to let each other know when things are going south, but sometimes one or the other feels stupid and keeps going anyway. We spend hours after dealing with the repercussions, trying to work through it. It's sex therapy in the most literal sense.

[Synfall]

Originally posted by AshtonDs:

It doesn't. You might think that some of us are so eloquent in our delivery and our storytelling, it's just because right now we have a bit more practice than you do.

Believe me, we understand what you are saying, some of us have gone through exactly that.

Perhaps I will practice more then. I have made an appointment with a therapist and I'm going to start sorting through some of my mess. Thank you guys for your encouraging words. I find myself quite upset by some of the habits that I have developed for dealing with my past, but I am trying to evolve new ways of dealing. I'll let you know if anything more productive comes up.I have had counselors when I was younger, but hopefully now that I have words and a better understanding I will be able to get the help that I need.

[Rowen]

Perhaps I will practice more then. I have made an appointment with a therapist and I'm going to start sorting through some of my mess. Thank you guys for your encouraging words. I find myself quite upset by some of the habits that I have developed for dealing with my past, but I am trying to evolve new ways of dealing. I'll let you know if anything more productive comes up.I have had counselors when I was younger, but hopefully now that I have words and a better understanding I will be able to get the help that I need.

Synfall, my respect for taking these steps and sharing them. You DO listen, you DO dare to confront yourself and you DO take responsibility. Trust me, those are the most important steps, however difficult they are. Don't hesitate to aks or tell if you feel the need..
You are doing well..and you will be allright...

[Synfall]

Self-abuse and depression are both issues I've been dealing with since the tender age of 12,if not earlier. eleven years later and i'm finally starting to get a handle on it. two years, 8 months self injury free!

First off, Congratulations! It's wonderful that you aren't hurting yourself anymore. Just a little mantra for you if you ever feel the urge in the future...
Just say, "I am not the one causing my problem, so I am not the one who should be bleeding." And smile.

I was wondering if anyone else shares abuse histories with their Domme and if so, how do you deal with it? BDSM sex is sometimes great, sometimes triggers us both. We work hard to communicate and to let each other know when things are going south, but sometimes one or the other feels stupid and keeps going anyway. We spend hours after dealing with the repercussions, trying to work through it. It's sex therapy in the most literal sense.

Having never had a Dom/me yet, please take any suggestions I have with a grain of salt.
Here's something you may try if you haven't done something similar yet. Write down as many experiences as you can remember, good and bad, but use as few words as possible.
You can discuss the list with your Domme, and explain what memory the phrase is referring to and exactly why it was/was not a good experience in detail. I don't mean just visual details, or time periods, but what things that you smelled, textures, sensations, how it made you feel and why you believe you responded so negatively/positively.
Hopefully the fact that you have to actually explain what the memory is and the feelings surrounding it will be enough to help your Domme build scenes that won't create an echoing feeling to any bad memories. And maybe the good memories can inspire your Domme to develop new ideas to build on those things that give you happy feelings.
If you write the list on seperate pages, or in a collumn format you can give your Domme the bad memories to dispose of as she sees fit. Maybe you can even make a picnic out of it, or a ritualistic burning of the bad paper or something.

Did I say grain of salt? I think I meant shaker, lol.

[Rowen]

I always thought my want for submission was wrong. That it was some horrible manifestation of my ever-present role of the abused. I know it's a part of me and maybe that is part of it, but it's something I'm coming to terms to dealing with.

I cannot tell just how familiair this sounds...then again... can be liberating to experience that some people dont take advantage of you when you have surrendered!

I'm much stronger now and realize that just because I was abused does not make my mom the monster many would paint her to be. She was older when she had me. Older and blind, literally. It does not negate what she did. It wasn't right. But she is human. She made big mistakes. But I have started the process of forgiving her.

Yes. she wasnt a monster but still did monstruos things to you. Still, I admire that you are able to understand, yet realise that understanding it doesn't mean you approve it.

i'm finally starting to get a handle on it. two years, 8 months self injury free!

Awesome - my respect

I didn't actually piece together the abuse/rape by these two woman until I met my current partner/Domme. She has her own abuse history and her telling me about what she remembers triggered nightmares and memories long buried.

I was wondering if anyone else shares abuse histories with their Domme and if so, how do you deal with it? BDSM sex is sometimes great, sometimes triggers us both. We work hard to communicate and to let each other know when things are going south, but sometimes one or the other feels stupid and keeps going anyway. We spend hours after dealing with the repercussions, trying to work through it. It's sex therapy in the most literal sense.

Think you hit the bullseye here: talk. Talk to each other and yes.. it can and will be sex therapy. And it will strengthen and deepen your relationship by giving you both the opportunity to share, to comfort, to heal together. Sounds to me the two of you are doing very well indeed after most diffiuclt years.