Love and BDSM----Question?

[BarYen]

I have a question which I think is along the same lines: If love comes first and BDSM comes later, is there any chance that respect in an already-established relationship could be compromised?

I love sexual submission but outside of sex I'm a very self-respecting person, and I would be really upset and indignant if surrendering myself sexually resulted in ex-bedroom disrespect...

[DarkPoet]

There is, but that isn't really a bdsm related thing. As far as my own sum of experiences goes, loving someone doesn't neccessarily make her/him the right person for oneself. Everybody carries a huge load of acquired traits and traumas experiences with them that shape their character. Sometimes two souls can fall deeply in love with each other, yet one or both of them can't fit the role that is needed to form a stable unity, and instead of supporting each other, they unknowingly enforce each others insecurities or weaknesses. That's the point when the balance of a relationship tips and turns into abusiveness.

But I don't think that is something that can be foreseen, neither can it completely be prevented. One of the major laws of love is that it gives trust in advance. The only thing we can do is take slow steps, reflect, and see what we (together with our partner, she/he must also be aware and willing to do her/his part) can change if we don't feel well. If we try to change it, but the problem keeps repeating itself, it's time to pull the brakes and quit the relationship.

So take it slowly, talk with your partner about your concern, and most important of all, have her/him agree to respect your limits. If you're both not that sure, plan a fixed time each week (maybe at a fixed, neutral place) where each of you can talk freely without fear of punishment or loss of respect. A good ritual is worth five therapists, as we used to say at the drugs therapy clinic I worked