Analyze this?

[his_girl_l]

i have been wondering this (why do you seek submission) for years.

Not what i enjoy about submitting, but why i need to, why it is such an integral part of me.

For a long time i decided that it was merely sexual - and when i got married to someone with no interest in dominance and submission, rationalised it by seeing it as just a sex act that could easily be given up for the sake of love and the relationship, just as many people give up a sexual act they enjoy if their partner doesn't.

But i have realised that it goes way deeper than that for me and i always wonder why.

Is it something we are born with, like the gender we are attracted to? Or have my life experiences made me need this?

i do know that when i look back i had urges to please and be controlled and led much earlier than i understood a sexual context to put it in (from about 8 i think).

i obsessed on it towards the end of my marriage - it wasn't why we separated but there was always a guilty voice at the back of my mind, saying that if the relationship was failing anyway, at least i would eventually be free to be entirely me. And i felt so terrible about it cause i really wanted my marriage and family to endure.

But i have finally accepted that it is a part of me that's not going away and not going to be confined to just one area of my life.

Still, i would love to know why. But i don't think i ever will, it comes back to asking "why am i me?" and i don't think anyone can give a simple answer to that.

Sorry about the rambling, these are hard sentiments to think about, let alone put into words.

[QuietMaster]

i have been wondering this (why do you seek submission) for years.

Not what i enjoy about submitting, but why i need to, why it is such an integral part of me.

But i have realised that it goes way deeper than that for me and i always wonder why.

Is it something we are born with, like the gender we are attracted to? Or have my life experiences made me need this?

And i felt so terrible about it cause i really wanted my marriage and family to endure.

But i have finally accepted that it is a part of me that's not going away and not going to be confined to just one area of my life.

Still, i would love to know why. But i don't think i ever will, it comes back to asking "why am i me?" and i don't think anyone can give a simple answer to that.

Sorry about the rambling, these are hard sentiments to think about, let alone put into words.

You are you because you are you .... and you have rediscovered your inner feeling.

Unfortunately, marriages fail for the reasons you have briefly described. That is indeed unfortunate, but also remember that you are not the first in such a married relationship and you will not be the last.

You can know whys for yoursef, by indeed conducting a deep nonjudgental assessment of your feelings, desires etc., un-connected with societal expectations. A skillful Master can also assist you.

life is not perfect and we need to play with the given set of cards dealt from the "deck of life's journey" as best as we can to be a winner.

You seem to be on the path to grasp an understanding about yourself by starting to express your feelings, thoughts, etc., on the forum.

[lucy]

i have been wondering this (why do you seek submission) for years.

Not what i enjoy about submitting, but why i need to, why it is such an integral part of me.

For a long time i decided that it was merely sexual - and when i got married to someone with no interest in dominance and submission, rationalised it by seeing it as just a sex act that could easily be given up for the sake of love and the relationship, just as many people give up a sexual act they enjoy if their partner doesn't.

But i have realised that it goes way deeper than that for me and i always wonder why.

Is it something we are born with, like the gender we are attracted to? Or have my life experiences made me need this?

i do know that when i look back i had urges to please and be controlled and led much earlier than i understood a sexual context to put it in (from about 8 i think).

i obsessed on it towards the end of my marriage - it wasn't why we separated but there was always a guilty voice at the back of my mind, saying that if the relationship was failing anyway, at least i would eventually be free to be entirely me. And i felt so terrible about it cause i really wanted my marriage and family to endure.

But i have finally accepted that it is a part of me that's not going away and not going to be confined to just one area of my life.

Still, i would love to know why. But i don't think i ever will, it comes back to asking "why am i me?" and i don't think anyone can give a simple answer to that.

Sorry about the rambling, these are hard sentiments to think about, let alone put into words.

Thanks a lot, it wasn't rambling at all but pretty exactly what i tried to say from the beginning but never managed to put into words.

And no, i haven't been abused in my childhood or at any other point in my life. Not by others, at least. I was stupid enough to abuse myself for quite some time, but that self abuse has likely the same roots as my urge to submit myself.
And no shrink is ever going to talk me into believing that i have been abused. So finding out that i've been abused is definitely not what i'm afraid of.
Maybe i'm afraid of my ideas and believes of my place and role in the world (wow, MY role in the world, that's one big deal, lol) being shattered. At least i think that's what scares me most. I'm not even sure about that.

Maybe i should ask Miss Confused if i can have her nick...