Rant...

[TheseDays]

Well today I had an experience that really hit a nerve. Yes everyone has their own views on things but I also believe that someone should RESPECT someone's view.

So today I was hanging out with some friends and their submissive. Fine by me, nothing wrong with that. Until one of the dominants had to leave for about a half an hour to take care of some business related issue. So the submissive was left with the group of us. Again thats fine.

Now I know that different rules are given out by dominants. Thats fine too. I am all for that. Here is where the issue comes up.

The subbie's dominant left and the subbie started to act totally out of control. Name calling, pushing, shoving, grabbing...

Basically like a little kid. Now I know maybe she was 'playing' but this is not the way to act (or at least thats my view). The dominant (whose house we were at) asked her to stop several times and she didn't. So he (acting out of sheer annoyance I think) told her to gather her things and leave (she had her own car).

So this brings up my question to you all. If a submissive is at someone's house and their dominant leaves. Should they still be required to respect others? I am asking this from a BDSM perspective, not common sense.

My opinion is that one should always be respectful of someone else. Regardless of if they are allowed to act in such and such a way.

Thoughts, comments?

[blythe spirit]

You mean there's no common sense from a BDSM perspective? lol

I believe whether your're a submissive or a Dominant you should be respectful when in someone else's home. Duh! However, I'm curious as to why her demeanor changed when her Dom left? Was she the only submissive there?

Perhaps she was looking for more than to be asked to leave. Btw - did anyone tell her Dom about her behaviour when he returned?

Sorry, seems like I have more questions than answers. lol

[TheseDays]

Hey there!

I was saying, it should be common sense to act nicely, regardless of being in BDSM or not.

Nope there were 3 other submissive girls here at the time. No clue what she was looking for and yep her Dom was told about her behavior.

I honestly have no idea what happened, just seems really strange to me.

Thought I would also add: No one is allowed to discipline her but her Dom. So not sure why should *might* be doing it for punishment...

[bambina]

Well of course. A person should behave while around other people period (bdsm or not). I can't think of any scenario where respect is not present. Even in the midst of your enemies, you should always have respect for someone. That shows that you have self control. If this sub acted a mess in front of this many people she must be a mess in her vanilla lifestyle as well. No one should act like that. It's not even cute. And the person (most likely female) who came up with the idea that this kind of playful banter was cute deserves the chopping block. But what happened was she probably thought that what she was doing was 'cute teasing', which very VERY few people can get away with without becoming annoying. Most people think I'm the most 'adorable adult' they've ever come across (and they think it's even more adorable when I act my age) but if I tried something like this, I'd be dismissed in a quick second. And I'd dismiss (and have dismissed in the past) anyone who tried it with me.

So no excuse. Don't invite her over any time soon. This kind of person ruins get-togethers.

[thepast]

1. When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

2. When Rule #1 is just too much for you to handle, revert to Rule #3.

3. Exercise common sense & respect. Is it yours? If not, don't play with it. Is it your house? If not, don't disrespect it. Are they your family? If not, don't be rude.

4. When in doubt, follow Rule #3.

5. If you are still confused, leave the situation immediately & go home & be alone till you figure it out.

[hopperboo]

I agree with Blythespirit and Kuskovian...



But I just wanted to add in beating her with a stick may have helped...

...um, but I wouldn't recommend doing it.

[blythe spirit]

1. When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

2. When Rule #1 is just too much for you to handle, revert to Rule #3.

3. Exercise common sense & respect. Is it yours? If not, don't play with it. Is it your house? If not, don't disrespect it. Are they your family? If not, don't be rude.
4. When in doubt, follow Rule #3.

5. If you are still confused, leave the situation immediately & go home & be alone till you figure it out.

Okay, the highlighted section just made me laugh out loud. Thanx., but wish I had known this whilst I still had a family.

[Kuskovian]

She should realize that her behavior is a direct reflection on her dominant.

[subserviant]

sounds like another dom should have taken her in hand if she refused to be *good* then she should be asked to leave

[leah06]

Sounds like someone who doesn't understand boundaries at all. Maybe she can only control herself when someone makes her.

[SimonsKat]

if i was the Dominate who's house this was at i would have sent her home too. There is one thing i would get severely punished for from Master Simon and that is deliberate disrespect of another person.

even outside of lifestyle i would never be that disrespectful!!!

she deserves some sever punishment...she embarrassed her Dom

[TheseDays]

Yay! My thoughts exactly!

It was a really strange thing to see happen....but alas, what can ya do!

Thanks for posting all of these responses all, nice to know I am not alone!

[Ozme52]

As you implied, she was rude regardless of the context (bdsm or vanilla) and asking her to leave was the proper thing to do.

The only alternative, one which I might have considered in today's era of cellphones, would have been a quick call to her dom. I've gotten one-off permission to punish in the past. One settled down realizing she was at risk. I received a sincere apology and much better behavior. The other... not so smart, though she certainly smarted in the long run.

I personally have a low tolerance for brats.

[MasterDragon]

You all have to think of the options here, I saw some but not all of them. I can think if these.

1. She crying out for help. From what is next question there.
2. She has a imbalance. Mentally, Emotionally, Socially or Sexually.
3. The 'Dom' tested you all. The test being what would be the reaction.
4. The 'Dom' is dumb and should never had left her alone anyway.
5. She wanted a new 'Dom', considering #4.


Or a combination of them all. I am voting #4 be a big one. Mine goes with me or goes home. There are only a few places she is allowed to go without me.

No lover, if he be of good faith, and sincere, will deny he would prefer to see his mistress dead than unfaithful.
:Marquis de Sade :

[tydnchaynz{NSXX}]

I don't know much, but i know that from a VERY young age, i was taught that you WILL respect other people's homes and property. And this was from the most vanilla parents a subbie can have!!! Forget the BDSM concept for a minute. Was the girl raised in the woods???? And i would also have to agree with MasterDragon that she should have gone with her Dom when He left. My parents also taught me not to shirk my responsibilities off on someone else! And guess what??? At the tender age of 41, i not only REMEMBER these lessons, i teach them to my children so they would NEVER embarrass me, or themselves like that. And being as how i'm sure she is aware that she cannot be punished by anyone but her Dom, she may have felt like she had a free pass to act like she did.

However, again agreeing with MasterDragon, i would think that such an extreme behavior issue could be a cry for help for some problem that she doesn't feel comfortable talking about. Unfortunately, i tend to think if it were an underlying imbalance, she would not be able to control herself while her Dom is close by and go completely the opposite way when He left. If her imbalance is that severe, it would almost certainly have to appear even if He were around. Of course, this is just my opinion. And as Ozme said.......the girl could just be a brat or an attention seeker. Perhaps she was very upset that her Dom left her in a situation that she may have felt uncomfortable in?? (i am not aware of the background or how close everyone is), and instead of speaking with Him about it, chose to act out (again very much a childlike response, but not impossible).

*shrugs* Whatever her reasons behind her actions, they were totally inappropriate and definately deserve a punishment that would insure that they do not happen again *thinking that i don't even have a Dom and would have friends that would punish the HELL outta me for being so rude!* I feel sorry not only for all of Y/you that were subjected to it, but also for her Dom that has to deal with it and i'm sure many other issues with His sub.

[Arria]

I am with tyd here. Some people have manners. Others don´t. Why should the BDSM crowd make an exception from that rule?

I´m not sure if I agree with Kuskovian here. But that may result in the fact that for me it would be bad enough if I made an ass out of myself - there is simply no need for another person to increase that feeling.
However, it is true for me that if the partner (completely without any BDSM context) of someone I know acts like an idiot, my respect not only for the partner, but also for the person I know will suffer severely. Simply because that person is willing to share her/his life with an obvious moron.

While I do act out in chat sometimes, I would never EVER behave like this in real life (pinching. slapping. teasing. tying pink ribbons on people. You get my point.).

I want to be respected, and expect the same in return. I also teach the same to my son (it might just be me, but I feel a lot of parents nowadays don´t give a fuck about their childrens´ behaviour and manners anymore... I think that´s pretty sad).

[thir]

The subbie's dominant left and the subbie started to act totally out of control. Name calling, pushing, shoving, grabbing...

Basically like a little kid. Now I know maybe she was 'playing' but this is not the way to act (or at least thats my view). The dominant (whose house we were at) asked her to stop several times and she didn't. So he (acting out of sheer annoyance I think) told her to gather her things and leave (she had her own car).

So this brings up my question to you all. If a submissive is at someone's house and their dominant leaves. Should they still be required to respect others? I am asking this from a BDSM perspective, not common sense.

?

This is rotten behaviour, and IMO the owner of the house was totally correct in showing her the door.

It sound real weird, and if this was really an attempt to get attention and be 'punished', then the correct way is to deny that (as it would otherwise be reinforcing that kind of behaviour) and to throw her out.

[Little Man]

My Dominant expects my behaviour to reflect as well on her as it does me. The sub let not only herself down but her Dominant down as well. Both should apologise for her behaviour and I guess that she won't be sitting down for a week. In fact, I think that for me, that kind of behaviour would be relationship threatening. In my view that sub should have remained polite and respectful of everybody else there whatever her feelings about the others were. That's something that she needs reinforcing. A training need.

[ukMC]

I totally agree with you Little Man - that behavious reflect badly on sub and Dom alike so she needs more training on how to act when her Dom is not present and of course seriously punishing for letting herself and her Dom down so she doesn't so it again. Maybe removal of some privileges might be in order to reinforce the fact.

[shayna{L_D}]

So this brings up my question to you all. If a submissive is at someone's house and their dominant leaves. Should they still be required to respect others? I am asking this from a BDSM perspective, not common sense.

Wow, is she in trouble when her Dom gets home.


As im sure someone above me has said, yes the submissive should act respectful of others. When her Dom isnt around she shuold represent him. Acting like a five year old may give people the impression that he doesnt have control over her, and or she may be a bad submissive, since she cannot conduct herself in a adult way. Its almost like, your only as good as the company you keep. I, in my opinion would act respectful, at all times. Even if my Master wasnt there. Becuase he will probably findout that i was acting like a five year old and ill get punished for it later. Plus i wouldnt want anyone looking down on my Dom becuase of my actions.

[jeanne]

Plus i wouldnt want anyone looking down on my Dom becuase of my actions.

Exactly. Our behavior reflects on Him...I want Him to always be proud. And others to think to themselves 'wow, His girl is so well-trained, He must be a good Dom.'

Besides, I cannot stand brats. Cannot stand them!

[DarkFire]

Wow, I am in complete shock. I have never seen a submissive EVER act that poorly!
Act out a bit, maybe, but never to the point of being totally disrespectful of everyone around her/him.

My submissive would have been drawn and quartered had he behaved that way!

Since her master is the only one allowed to punish or take action against her, the owner of the house did the only thing that could have been done, at that time. And, I am glad to hear that her behaviour was reported.

[TheseDays]

Well I have a bit of an update!

Turns out the poor girl just wanted attention and hopefully and punishment since her owner had conveniently banned her from having intercourse with him for a whole month! Not really sure how she figure that if she behaved bad that we would give her sex...but non the less. That is her alleged 'reasoning'.

Her owner had since apologized to the homeowner. What a very crazy experience though...I had thought she had literally snapped!

Anyways, all is said and done ^^

[Ozme52]

Bad form all around.

Poorly trained if she reacts to being punished by taking it out on others around her. Bad form on his part to not be sure she understands why she was punished in that manner and why she needs to deal with him when she is feeling wronged... and not their friends and acquaintances.

[medusa]

So basically this sub needs some basic lessons such as one would teach a toddler?

If you want rewards you be good. Acting up gets you attention, but it's rarely the sort of attention that you were hoping for.

It would appear that she has misconstrued the concept that the sub controls the play?

[thir]

Well I have a bit of an update!

Turns out the poor girl just wanted attention and hopefully and punishment since her owner had conveniently banned her from having intercourse with him for a whole month! Not really sure how she figure that if she behaved bad that we would give her sex...but non the less. That is her alleged 'reasoning'.

She is not the only one. I have encountered this type before. Provocation is a game to play with those who are into it, not something you foist on other people. People do it to Force you to interact with them, and that is the last thing one should do. I have experienced subs who crash a BDSM party with very set rules, and basically behave like maniacs, upset the rules and spoil the party for a lot of people. And a lot of Doms reacted to it, so that that behaviour was rewarded, while all the subs who went by the rules and behaved was ignored. How stupid can you get???

At a fem domme party I was at we had one type like that, and he was expelled from the venue - promptly!

[TheseDays]

Who knows, some people get off on some of these things I suppose!

I am just glad she isn't my pet ^^

[fantazmaster]

Mr.Tomcat,this may well be a classic case of transference.This sub is resentful and angry at the no intercourse penalty imposed by her dominant,but knows good and well that she had best not show this resentment based set of emotions to him in reaction to this penalty.Well the sub's resentment grows to the point that it has to come out somehow and this situation at this house is the perfect setting for her to do this emotional release,what with her dominant being absent from this host's home.

On the conscious level the sub knows full well this bratty behavior of hers will be reported to her dominant,The host and other guests are to her merely the
means to transmit this resentment and anger of hers.

One larger example of this transference setting I have seen is that of a chain of
restaurants,the management of which had a culture that encouraged these managers to treat the wait staff and cooks like crap.When an unfairly treated employee objected to anything they were suspended without pay for a few days or fired on the spot.These poorly treated employees having no other means of release,transferred their resentment to the customers by means of displaying a really bad attitude and poor service towards the customers.
Just as a side note on the restaurant story,4 out of 5 of this chain's locations closed at the same time due to lack of business.

[blythe spirit]

Mr.Tomcat,this may well be a classic case of transference.This sub is resentful and angry at the no intercourse penalty imposed by her dominant,but knows good and well that she had best not show this resentment based set of emotions to him in reaction to this penalty.Well the sub's resentment grows to the point that it has to come out somehow and this situation at this house is the perfect setting for her to do this emotional release,what with her dominant being absent from this host's home.

On the conscious level the sub knows full well this bratty behavior of hers will be reported to her dominant,The host and other guests are to her merely the
means to transmit this resentment and anger of hers.

One larger example of this transference setting I have seen is that of a chain of
restaurants,the management of which had a culture that encouraged these managers to treat the wait staff and cooks like crap.When an unfairly treated employee objected to anything they were suspended without pay for a few days or fired on the spot.These poorly treated employees having no other means of release,transferred their resentment to the customers by means of displaying a really bad attitude and poor service towards the customers.
Just as a side note on the restaurant story,4 out of 5 of this chain's locations closed at the same time due to lack of business.

That is most probably the best response (and logical reason) that I have read. Rather than critcize the sub (and Dom) as some of us posters did, you cleverly analyzed the situation and the motive. Kudos!

Whether you are right or not, I don't know; however, I appreciate the fact that you did not find fault with either the Dom (for poor training) or the sub (for simply being a brat without reason).

Thank you.

[thir]

That is most probably the best response (and logical reason) that I have read. Rather than critcize the sub (and Dom) as some of us posters did, you cleverly analyzed the situation and the motive. Kudos!

Whether you are right or not, I don't know; however, I appreciate the fact that you did not find fault with either the Dom (for poor training) or the sub (for simply being a brat without reason).

Thank you.

All well and good. But if, as some here, you have had your fill of this kind of behaviour which does spoil things for people who are more considerate, you might be less analysing and more acting to protect others.

I have asked another to describe his experience with bratty behaviour and the damage on equipment it caused, and he will before long.

Being submissive is not a license to behave like a maniac, and there is no excuse for it, period.