I've found my D/s trigger...

[aussiesubgirl]

I am not sure if this will be much help but, you sound in pain and I cannot help but want to assist in any small way I can...apologies in advance for the length but I can relate in many ways

I have found (through my own experience) that usually addictions exist to either 1) fill an emptiness/void in your life and/or 2) mask a pain you are not acknowledging or wish to dull through the addiction.

Addictions allow you to focus all your attention on something - and from there you can attain temporary feelings of control, safety and pleasure. In fact the chemicals released in our brain when our attention is focussed on an addiction are exactly the same as those released when we fall in love. But when the thing you are addicted to is no longer there, you will suffer from magnified feelings of loss, emptiness, despair and loneliness.

You seem to be a bright, honest and articulate person. It is sad to hear you feel so alone and concerned that you may never be able to find satisfaction with a 'REAL MAN'. You are a real woman and although wonderful as you may be, I am sure you are not perfect, so why are you putting so much pressure on yourself and potential partners by expecting them to be?

Porn is great and it is a whole LOTTA fun, but it is never meant to be a replacement for or an accurate description of the complexity of ‘normal’ human relationships, ‘normal’ human bodies or even ‘normal’ sexual skill/prowess/responsiveness. People are chosen (or choose to be) in porn films because they depict an image of physical perfection and beauty, and lets face it, we all like to watch beautiful people and imagine we are them or we are with them. The ga-zillions of dollars earned every year by the advertising, film, modelling and beauty industries cannot be wrong!

But if you are seeking the same sort of mind-blowing multiple orgasms and fabulous endless fucking with stunningly gorgeous people that you enjoy in these films you may continue to find yourself alone in your eligibility. I have found the only way I can enjoy screaming, mind-blowing orgasms and fabulous, ‘hanging-from-the-rafters’ fucking is with a REAL person. When you have a REAL connection with someone, someone that exists (and therefore has both real beauty AND real flaws), someone that thinks YOU are incredibly desirable – that is where REAL passion comes from.

You may think that everyone on this site is only obsessed with sex – and although BDSM has a very strong basis in sex and sexual desires it is not the only motivator/part of our lives. If you read through most of these posts you will find overwhelmingly frequent themes of love, trust, power, intense connections (both physical and mental), healing, laughter, pain and joy. None of these emotions can be fully experienced on your own, and certainly cannot be found in the impersonal safety of your ‘porn world’ – remote control in hand, pausing and rewinding to avoid the ‘boring bits’.

I mean this with all the most positive intentions possible – put down the remote, step away from the TV and start making connections with REAL people. Connections not just based on physical perfection – look for someone that can connect with you in your mind (my Master can make me cum almost instantly with his words, his voice or merely a look because he knows my mind so well), someone that you can respect and who respects you. Someone that is willing to explore all of your desires and find those ways that will make you orgasm harder and more intensely than you ever knew was possible. Just don’t expect them to be able to know that immediately, Dom or not, no matter how experienced they are, they aren’t experienced with YOU.

As I said before, porn is great - but it cannot love you, hold you, make you scream with joy (or joyful pain!), it cannot kiss away the tears, praise you when you are good or spank you when you are bad ;o) It also cannot give you the sublime pleasure that comes from giving someone else a mind-blowing orgasm!

Start by putting yourself ‘out there’ and give some REAL men a chance to get to know the REAL YOU and you might be pleasantly surprised….but only once you allow trust and respect to become the first 2 things you demand as the foundation of all your relationships. That is not negotiable.

As a former addict myself, I know it is tough, scary and painful to let go of your addiction. But the freedom and self-worth you will gain is infinitely worth all of it. And once you have found the right REAL man (or real woman!) you will wonder why you spent so much time with your celluloid lovers.

[SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN]

I want to thank all of yall. Very post is full of good advice.

Bambina, guys have egos. Most want to please their mate. Most want their mate to have that mind blowing orgasm. But as for me I want to know a woman emotionally also. I want that connection that causes me to feel giddy inside from just being with her. That only comes from knowing each other and having common ground. In the old days it was called corting. Maybe you could slow down alittle, just enjoy a mans company. When your heart is feeling good about someone, even if it's only from a true friendship point, your body will follow.

[KitsToy]

Bambina, guys have egos. Most want to please their mate. Most want their mate to have that mind blowing orgasm. But as for me I want to know a woman emotionally also. I want that connection that causes me to feel giddy inside from just being with her. That only comes from knowing each other and having common ground. In the old days it was called corting. Maybe you could slow down alittle, just enjoy a mans company. When your heart is feeling good about someone, even if it's only from a true friendship point, your body will follow.

I agree completely. I am a hormone driven male, like any other.. but at the same time sex is something of a secondary motivation for me. I've had my share of purely physical relationships, but they've never been as satisfying as when I've met someone, and learned that I deeply care for them. I've somewhat learned that, especially in D/s relationships, I don't find that kind of satisfaction easily when the relationship is made physical from the first day.. though it can happen. The true bliss for me, whether subbing or Domming, is knowing that we trust and care for one another deeply enough to blur the lines of a traditional relationship and relinquish our power. Once this has been established, the sex that follows is much, much more rewarding. Perhaps instead of looking for the perfect man to satisfy your physical desires, you should search for the perfect man to fulfill your emotional needs, then your sexual fulfilment may follow in suit.
-Kit'sToy

[DIXIE LASS]

I am not sure if this will be much help but, you sound in pain and I cannot help but want to assist in any small way I can...apologies in advance for the length but I can relate in many ways

I have found (through my own experience) that usually addictions exist to either 1) fill an emptiness/void in your life and/or 2) mask a pain you are not acknowledging or wish to dull through the addiction.

Addictions allow you to focus all your attention on something - and from there you can attain temporary feelings of control, safety and pleasure. In fact the chemicals released in our brain when our attention is focussed on an addiction are exactly the same as those released when we fall in love. But when the thing you are addicted to is no longer there, you will suffer from magnified feelings of loss, emptiness, despair and loneliness.

You seem to be a bright, honest and articulate person. It is sad to hear you feel so alone and concerned that you may never be able to find satisfaction with a 'REAL MAN'. You are a real woman and although wonderful as you may be, I am sure you are not perfect, so why are you putting so much pressure on yourself and potential partners by expecting them to be?

Porn is great and it is a whole LOTTA fun, but it is never meant to be a replacement for or an accurate description of the complexity of ‘normal’ human relationships, ‘normal’ human bodies or even ‘normal’ sexual skill/prowess/responsiveness. People are chosen (or choose to be) in porn films because they depict an image of physical perfection and beauty, and lets face it, we all like to watch beautiful people and imagine we are them or we are with them. The ga-zillions of dollars earned every year by the advertising, film, modelling and beauty industries cannot be wrong!

But if you are seeking the same sort of mind-blowing multiple orgasms and fabulous endless fucking with stunningly gorgeous people that you enjoy in these films you may continue to find yourself alone in your eligibility. I have found the only way I can enjoy screaming, mind-blowing orgasms and fabulous, ‘hanging-from-the-rafters’ fucking is with a REAL person. When you have a REAL connection with someone, someone that exists (and therefore has both real beauty AND real flaws), someone that thinks YOU are incredibly desirable – that is where REAL passion comes from.

You may think that everyone on this site is only obsessed with sex – and although BDSM has a very strong basis in sex and sexual desires it is not the only motivator/part of our lives. If you read through most of these posts you will find overwhelmingly frequent themes of love, trust, power, intense connections (both physical and mental), healing, laughter, pain and joy. None of these emotions can be fully experienced on your own, and certainly cannot be found in the impersonal safety of your ‘porn world’ – remote control in hand, pausing and rewinding to avoid the ‘boring bits’.

I mean this with all the most positive intentions possible – put down the remote, step away from the TV and start making connections with REAL people. Connections not just based on physical perfection – look for someone that can connect with you in your mind (my Master can make me cum almost instantly with his words, his voice or merely a look because he knows my mind so well), someone that you can respect and who respects you. Someone that is willing to explore all of your desires and find those ways that will make you orgasm harder and more intensely than you ever knew was possible. Just don’t expect them to be able to know that immediately, Dom or not, no matter how experienced they are, they aren’t experienced with YOU.

As I said before, porn is great - but it cannot love you, hold you, make you scream with joy (or joyful pain!), it cannot kiss away the tears, praise you when you are good or spank you when you are bad ;o) It also cannot give you the sublime pleasure that comes from giving someone else a mind-blowing orgasm!

Start by putting yourself ‘out there’ and give some REAL men a chance to get to know the REAL YOU and you might be pleasantly surprised….but only once you allow trust and respect to become the first 2 things you demand as the foundation of all your relationships. That is not negotiable.

As a former addict myself, I know it is tough, scary and painful to let go of your addiction. But the freedom and self-worth you will gain is infinitely worth all of it. And once you have found the right REAL man (or real woman!) you will wonder why you spent so much time with your celluloid lovers.

Aussiesubgirl,
Truly awe-inspiring post. It makes so many important points and distinctions I think I'm going to copy it and put it in an email to myself so I'll always have it close at hand. There's no way I can compliment you enough on it. It has to be in the top five of anything I've ever read on here.

I do have one question. Because you use the word "REAL" a lot, are you saying that you believe there is nothing bona-fide about online relationships?

DIXIE

[aussiesubgirl]

Aussiesubgirl,
Truly awe-inspiring post. It makes so many important points and distinctions I think I'm going to copy it and put it in an email to myself so I'll always have it close at hand. There's no way I can compliment you enough on it. It has to be in the top five of anything I've ever read on here.

I do have one question. Because you use the word "REAL" a lot, are you saying that you believe there is nothing bona-fide about online relationships?

DIXIE

Thanks so much Dixie Lass!

And sorry for the confusion - absolutely no distinction in my mind between O/L and R/L - I was referencing Bambina's concern that she could never be attracted to a "Real" man after her experiences with the perfection of porn....for my 2 cents worth a person and relationship O/L is just as "real" as one in R/L....they both involve emotional, mental (and sometimes) physical connections with other human beings...

Sincerely, no offence intended or implied to O/L relationships vs R/L!

ASG
xxx