Dang. This hits home all too well. My abuse wasn't sexual (one bit but not from my main abuser) instead psychological and emotional but I know that hypervigilant state all too well. It is a survival mechanism because maybe, if you can read the situation ..just.. right, you can take evasive maneuvers and deflect some trouble for today, for the evening, for an hour. The trouble is that once ingrained it seems impossible to turn off. It can be exhausting and I realize that's why I've come to love things in which I can become deeply engrossed and lose myself; reading, exercise, sex, movies, travel. (Maybe someday I can exercise while travelling and reading about sex movies and die happy!). Using the drug of choice (which changes) helps turn the volume down but I know how self destructive that can be and it isn't much of a problem now. I've suspected the problem was maybe ADD but this really does fit better.

Thanks for bringing it up in such a clear and heartfelt way. The desire to please is part of the package for me but is marbled with thick streaks of rebellion, too. At least there is genuine happiness to be had on both ends from working to please those who can respect it and appreciate it, so the nasty way the skills were learned was not a total defeat. There is also a desire to help the underdog that helps make the world a better place, though I'm not a professional skilled caregiver as you are, Kali.

I do think working on things to help calm and center myself will help with the hypervigilance, and has already done so to some degree. All part of unravelling the PTSD knots. Turning evil into good is a fine revenge. Personally I can't forgive.