Who has the most power?

[Carpe Coma]

First, what is power? Power is leverage. Power is influence over the decisions of others. The person with the most influence has the most power. Now who has the most power is rarely a simple measurement, however a good guideline is: who has the least value at risk? The person with the least value at risk is the one that can walk away from the situation the easiest, the one who can most easily decide to do something else. However, the power position isn't determined just by how much is at risk, but by how much is perceived to be at risk, because that perception is what people will base their decisions on. So the person who is in the power position is the one who perceives that they have the least at risk; the one who thinks they will be the least affected by the influence of the other person's actions on their existence.

The whole "submissive has the most power because the submissive can end the scene" is a myopic way of looking at the situation which gets endlessly perpetuated largely because it boosts the comfort level of otherwise nervous (and generally green) submissives. It seems at first blush that the submissive has more power because the idea always gets brought up in the context of the dominant wanting to 'go too far' and that the dominant will stop when told. Yes, the dominant is supposed to stop, but that doesn't mean that it will happen. The dominant still gets to make a choice, while the submissive does not. The submissive isn't demonstrating more power in that situation, but asking the dominant to weigh the perceived consequences of continuing vs. the dominant's desires. If the dominant decides that the risks associated with ignoring the safeword are less than the continued enjoyment of what s/he is doing, then the submissive just might find their safeword ignored. If the submissive had the guaranteed ability to bring a halt to whatever was happening at any time and without consequence, then the 'submissive' would be in the power position because s/he has the least at risk, thus s/he would not actually be submitting.

The whole point of a d/s relationship is that there is a power differential in the dominant's favor. A dominant that is doing their job correctly won't have the submissive thinking that s/he will be the least affected by refusing to comply. If you think you are in the power position, then you certainly aren't thinking you are the submissive one in the relationship.

[jeanne]

If you think you are in the power position, then you certainly aren't thinking you are the submissive one in the relationship.

Summed up very well. I think that if one is submissive, having the power, whether implied or overt, is uncomfortable. Can I, as a submissive, safeword? Yes I can. Is that a guarantee that the scene will end immediately? No it isn't. I don't throw around safewords just because I'm not deliriously happy with what's going on. It's not me. When I submit, I submit to whatever is happening unless it's going to cause serious harm. Then I safeword, we talk, and my Owner decides if it continues or ends.

Here's how I look at it, in a D/s relationship. A Dom and sub talk. The sub tells the Dom his/her hard limits and soft limits. These conversations need to be thorough and can be ongoing as the relationship progresses. Once the initial negotiation is complete, the Dom is then "in charge". In other words, my limits, His limits....act as boundaries of a world. Once those boundaries are established, what happens inside them is up to Him. I have agreed to that as His submissive...and in fact, need to know that I am no longer in control.

When we need to talk as one person to another, we do so outside that world. This can be difficult to do...and once done, difficult to go back. It requires a real commitment on the part of both Dom and sub to do so.

[Midnytedreams]

When did BDSM become all about the Dominant.

In my 30 yrs plus in the lifestyle I have seen it change...I remember going to my first munch as a young man,,,Seeing others more experienced there Tops bottoms switches...some who weren’t sure where they fit...never did I hear a harsh word spoken. All were welcome to join and learn.
I never saw fear on subs faces there only joy... No commands given or needed as they knelt and served. I was amazed by what I saw..there as they interacted so natural. I was given this advice and it has worked my entire life so I wish to pass it on.
Our duty as Dominants is to provide a safe, sane consensual environment for the growth of the submissive. Nothing else was needed to be said as it said all to Me.. I have used this knowledge My entire life knowing safe meant I would allow no harm to befall her be it mental ,physical , or psychological. Consensual that she would let me know through her actions and communication her willingness to expand on her limits , that I would not dictate them. Sane that I would have control of my own emotions and wants to allow this growth in a sub. All of this is based on trust and time, no one can give themselves without it, and as time and trust build needs change wants need to be explored willingly by her.
As a Dom I do not demand ....I accept her submission , I know other Doms know the joy of a sub kneeling at your feet not because she is commanded too..but because she wants , and desires to. To not have to say you will be punished , but find her at the door as you enter holding the whip... This is true Dominance it can not be given over night, no matter how you try to force or demand it. They say time heals all wounds, and it is true and time allows subs to grow.
I don’t crave or desire power, but something much more her trust that no matter what secrets she wishes to share , her desires she will be safe and no guilt be felt by her. .Some will say you are wrong to think this way ...you are being topped from bottom. This is not true as I am the Dom and once her trust and safety is known she gives all willingly. Some here have felt the power of just a look that you can give as a Dom....that will make her sink to her knees, not out of fear but because she herself has come to know her own needs. To witness tears of joy as she surpasses her own limits.

So why would I even want it to be about me ,I don’t

[Ozme52]

When did BDSM become all about the Dominant.

In my 30 yrs plus in the lifestyle I have seen it change...I remember going to my first munch as a young man,,,Seeing others more experienced there Tops bottoms switches...some who weren’t sure where they fit...never did I hear a harsh word spoken. All were welcome to join and learn.
I never saw fear on subs faces there only joy... No commands given or needed as they knelt and served. I was amazed by what I saw..there as they interacted so natural. I was given this advice and it has worked my entire life so I wish to pass it on.
Our duty as Dominants is to provide a safe, sane consensual environment for the growth of the submissive. Nothing else was needed to be said as it said all to Me.. I have used this knowledge My entire life knowing safe meant I would allow no harm to befall her be it mental ,physical , or psychological. Consensual that she would let me know through her actions and communication her willingness to expand on her limits , that I would not dictate them. Sane that I would have control of my own emotions and wants to allow this growth in a sub. All of this is based on trust and time, no one can give themselves without it, and as time and trust build needs change wants need to be explored willingly by her.
As a Dom I do not demand ....I accept her submission , I know other Doms know the joy of a sub kneeling at your feet not because she is commanded too..but because she wants , and desires to. To not have to say you will be punished , but find her at the door as you enter holding the whip... This is true Dominance it can not be given over night, no matter how you try to force or demand it. They say time heals all wounds, and it is true and time allows subs to grow.
I don’t crave or desire power, but something much more her trust that no matter what secrets she wishes to share , her desires she will be safe and no guilt be felt by her. .Some will say you are wrong to think this way ...you are being topped from bottom. This is not true as I am the Dom and once her trust and safety is known she gives all willingly. Some here have felt the power of just a look that you can give as a Dom....that will make her sink to her knees, not out of fear but because she herself has come to know her own needs. To witness tears of joy as she surpasses her own limits.

So why would I even want it to be about me ,I don’t

Why do you equate power with fear?
Why does wielding power make "it all about the dom"?
You say your role is to keep her safe.... How do you keep her safe with no power?
How do you help her surpass her limits with no power?... for why would she do so save to please you? Your pleasure when she does so is, in fact, a power you wield.

And you say you are in control of your own emotions. How do you do that without power?

I'm not saying your perspective, especially of your own relationship, is wrong, just that you indeed wield a lot of power, perhaps all the power, in your relationship.

Have you ever asked her who has the power between you when you are interacting as dom and sub?
(Just curious. )

[summerBreeze{EDQ}]

well said.

[Ozme52]

Summed up very well.heheh I think that if one is submissive, having the power, whether implied or overt, is uncomfortable. Can I, as a submissive, safeword? Yes I can. Is that a guarantee that the scene will end immediately? No it isn't. I dwooton't throw around safewords just because I'm not deliriously happy with what's going on. It's not me. When I submit, I submit to whatever is happening unless it's going to cause serious harm. Then I safeword, we talk, and my Owner decides if it continues or ends.

Here's how I look at it, in a D/snice and warm... relationship. A Dom and sub talk. The sub tells the Dom his/her hard limits and soft limits. These conversations need to be thorough and can be ongoing as the relationship progresses. Once the initial negotiation is complete, the Dom is then "in charge". In other words, my limits, His limits....act as boundaries of a world. Once those boundaries are established, what happens inside them is up to Him. I have agreed to that as His submissive...and in fact, need to know that I am no longer in control.

When we need to talk as one person to another, we do so outside that world. This can be difficult to do...and once done, difficult to go back. It requires a real commitment on theahhhhhhhhhh part of both Dom and sub to do so.

Sorry for the interuption.... back to the actual conversation.