Quote Originally Posted by lisasub View Post
Hi,

I've posted here before. I have long history of childhood sexual abuse and torture. I'm doing okay now, but still dealing with the impact in some ways.
I'm writing tonight because I am going to lose a very important relationship soon. I'm devestated, angry, and I feel so alone and betrayed. Sounds familiar, huh?
Anyway, I can't sleep - again - so wanted to just share what's happening.
I guess I'm writing here because I wish I had a dom to hurt, torture and humiliate me - it feels like that might help. But, I've never done any of this in real life and I realize that now is not the time to try it out for real. So here I am, alone and depressed, dejected, and devestated.

Lastly, as i realize how i feel and what i wish for in a dom, that brings up the same old question: is my wish for dominance and humiliation just a repeat of my abuse? Any thougths will be welcome and appreciated.

Sorry to just complain... I do appreciate the space to say all of this, though.
Good night all,
lisasub

lisasub, I don’t for one minute think that you really wish for a Dom to do these things to you, because as you say you are depressed, dejected and devastated, and it has taken your willpower to rock bottom. I think possibly there are times in every one’s life when they have been where you are now, but it is not the end of the world. You picked yourself up from the abuse as a child and stood tall in defiance, and now you must do the same once more by channelling your anger into strength. Is it humiliation that you really want, or is it Domination, protection, understanding and security in your life? What you wish for in your post comes as a need in most submissive’s, but as a need it is hardly ever sought after as a punishment first. I doubt very much that the way you feel right now has any bearing from your childhood abuse. It might be time to sit down, chill out and work out the direction in life that will suit you most. Childhood abuse is not an illness that reoccurs, it is a ghost in your memory that you have to put to rest, or it will consume your happiness.

Just my thoughts.

Regards ian 2411