dearest lisasub.....
hey sweetie, thank you for posting, it can be difficult to lose a therapeutic relationship, especially one in which you have invested so much. These things that we harbour in our soul and bare to so few only have the power as long as we hold our silence. i know that i know that it is difficult to open oneself up to another and that a therapeutic relationship can feel somewhat safe. i also know the sense of betrayal and abandonment that you must be feeling. i will probably get shot down for this but am asking a question sweetie, and that is what is your responsibility for this relationship breakdown? you have stated clearly your opinion on your therapist but every relationship breakdown has 2 equal parties, whether active or passive. i ask you to look at your own input and honestly own whatever is yours to own. Until you do that and resolve this within your mind any future attempts to deal with the childhood issues will result in the same thing happening. Please do not hear this as an assigning of blame, just a plea to you to own what is yours and leave her with what is hers to own. Once that is resolved in your spirit and mind then you will be able to begin the tentative journey to finding a therapist that you can share with once more.

Having grown up with severe abuse, mental, physical and sexual i learnt a number of years ago the freedom that can be found through the sharing process. Silence as a child was what held me captive in a horrendous situation, and now i feel that i cannot keep silent, for i will not be beholden to my parents actions. i will not carry what is theirs to carry.

At times i have thought, especially in my early lifestyle years that my Master could 'beat the bad out of me', it felt like love to me as all i had ever experienced as an expression of love was violence, sexual and physical. i realised very quickly though that it was never enough. i needed desperately to work through the abuse, which i spent a few years doing. Only then could i understand my own being enough to be able to say that submission for me is now the most beautiful thing. you see the focus could change from needing things 'done to me' to finding that calm serene pure beautiful place of surrender in servitude. Is it a long journey? Yes, for we did not experience only a minutes pain, but is it worth however long it takes? Yes!

Be brave sweetie, own what is yours, let go what is not, and that counts for your abuse also. Be stubborn. Refuse to carry what is not yours to carry.

i leave you with a blessing in my native language, Maori

kia kaha, kia maia, ma te atua koe e manaaki.
Be strong, be steadfast, may you be truely blessed.

morwyn