victims of abuse support for submissives

[13'sbadkitty]

i didn't mean it to sound like i was putting myself down ian, i am proud of who i am today and that i use the stuff i have been through to help others...forgiveness was just a part of what, for me i needed to do in order to recover. thanks for yoour kind words though.

[lisasub]

Right on 13'sbadkitty! Congratulations on your recovery and for finding the path of healing that works for you!

[dvlngl]

I have never been abused but I know a friend who was. I have a question: What do you say to someone who has been abused beside listening to them and saying "I'm sorry?" I am good at listening but I get stuck at words. I want to work in the ER as a nurse and I know I will get patients who have just been through it. I am not good at words and I don't just want to say "I'm sorry" or nothing at all when they are telling you what happened to them.

[denuseri]

Well, what have seen some of the other members telling each other here in the thread?

[dvlngl]

Thanks denuseri, I will make sure to reread the thread and take notes.

[lisasub]

That was a good suggestion, denuseri.

Also, you could try signing up for a training at your local rape crisis center or domestic violence program. they train volunteers to work with survivors of violence and they teach many helpful things to say and ask.

I'm glad your friend has you. Best wishes to both of you.

[dvlngl]

That was a good suggestion, denuseri.

Also, you could try signing up for a training at your local rape crisis center or domestic violence program. they train volunteers to work with survivors of violence and they teach many helpful things to say and ask.

I'm glad your friend has you. Best wishes to both of you.

Thank you for the suggestion. I never thought of that, I will search for place.

[13'sbadkitty]

just for myself, there isn't anything anyone can say unless someone asks a direct question. i just needed people there to hear what ever i had to say and usually it was because i felt like it was such a big part of who i was i need them to know that too. i didn't have any desire for them to feel bad for me or to offer advice. i just always felt like people saw it and putting it out there made it easier for me. if they didn't act all weird and move away on the bench it was what i needed. hope that helps, be a friend not a therapist.

[lisasub]

Good point.

What I was thinking is that people who care want to help, but don't always know how. If they can at least know that they won't say anything that is harmful, they might feel more able to listen and be there. Just a thought.

[Saheli]

This might be a little long, so I apologize in advance. Abuse has always been a part of my life.

As a child, I was severely emotionally and physically abused. The first time I tried to commit suicide was in the first grade in class. I didn't know any better, but I knew you could die from hanging, so I took a belt and fixed it on the doorknob and put it around my neck and started to crawl away. Looking back, that never would have worked. My step-mother was evil...I sucked my thumb, so they put this metal thing with spikes on the top of my mouth so that my thumb would bleed when I tried to suck it: I just did it under my tongue which is still scarred. I used to wet the bed, so they put this thing under the sheet that would go off very loudly if it detected any moisture. I wet the bed because I was scared, not because I was a late developer. And why wouldn't I be? She picked me up by my neck once, and all I remember is starting to black out...then I hit something and slid down..I realized it was the wall. After that, I thought she would kill me. Before that, I felt like she would beat me (and she did) but wouldn't kill me because how would she explain that? But then everything changed. I started wetting my pants, which she made me wear as a necklace to school. But then I got in trouble when I didn't have friends, when people didn't come to my birthday parties. 2nd grade I tried to poison myself...but with what? I had nothing so I just put anything I could into my drinks and drank them...all sorts of plants, hoping one might be poisonous. My dad sent me to go live with my mom because he was afraid of what she would do to me. While I was there, my step-dad started molesting me, which continued for the next 6 years. It is really a long story...my dad came to my graduation to tell me he wouldn't send me to college...he had another daughter and I wasn't allowed to see her for three years, because he was mad that I stayed with my mom and didn't come back...my step-dad and mother were raging alcoholics; they got into a fight once and when I intervened, he pulled a gun on me and I put my hand in my pocket (I always had a knife)...I started to figure out where I should attack if I got shot so that at least we would both die...I decided to disembowel him but my mom ended up getting the gun away...so he's still alive. I dated a guy in college and he invited me to his 'brother's birthday party'. Even though I had a car, he wanted me to ride with him, so I went. Showed up, I was the only girl there. Naive, I didn't get it at all. Totally stupid. He started kissing me and wanted to go to a back room, so I went with him. But then he left for a couple of minutes and came back. I didn't know why but didn't ask. And then everyone else came in too. I weigh 115lbs...seriously, what was I going to do? I knew it had all been planned, but I was stuck. And then I realized I had two choices: physical pain + emotional pain, or emotional pain. When my dad saw me the next time, he didn't try to offer support. Instead, because I wasn't beat up, he said that I wanted it to happen and followed it up with, "You represent the lowest form of society." So I left his house with nowhere to go. Skip a few more years (full of drama, not enough time to go step-by-step) and I'm married. I am new to BDSM and don't know a lot about it. But I know enough to realize that there has to be a lot of soul-searching on both sides if my husband will ever end up my Dom. And I have been working on my side. But he has this self-esteem issue, which he puts on me, that he is never good enough. Regardless of what I do or say, he projects those feelings he has as feelings I have, and then he attacks me for the feelings he believes I have but do not. So we got into an argument recently over nothing, and it escalated to violence. I have a two year old and a three year old. We are in counseling and hopefully can work it out. But I realized two things. I don't know if I could ever respect him as my Dom (which is really hurtful), and that there is nothing I can do to fix the situation. So basically the childhood of my children and the security they have is completely in his hands, and I am not sure if he has the maturity to grow the fuck up before they resent us for bad memories..

I know it's long...sorry for that..

[Saheli]

I have never been abused but I know a friend who was. I have a question: What do you say to someone who has been abused beside listening to them and saying "I'm sorry?" I am good at listening but I get stuck at words. I want to work in the ER as a nurse and I know I will get patients who have just been through it. I am not good at words and I don't just want to say "I'm sorry" or nothing at all when they are telling you what happened to them.

Well, I don't really expect much of a response when I tell people what has happened to me. I realize there isn't much to say. The main reason why I tell people things that have happened to me is that I believe if people can understand what I've been through, they have a better chance at understanding me, since we are all molded by our pasts to some degree. Another reason is to fight loneliness...not necessarily within myself, but in others. I don't know who will read what I wrote or if it will matter much. But I know that when I was a child I felt so lonely. I remember thinking to myself, "If someone out there only knew what was happening to me, they would come to my rescue. But they look at this nice neighborhood at this nice house; they see the occupation of my dad and see him at church. And I have to put on a show in public so I don't get it worse at home than I normally would. So who will notice, and who will come? Who will take the time to read in between the lines on my face to see what's beneath this half-assed, crooked smile? Nobody. I'm utterly alone. Nobody will notice. Nobody will care. Nobody will come" And you know what? I was 100% right. Nobody came. So I just want people to understand me and to know that even though nobody may come, there are many other isolated victims all over the world in places you and I would never even think to suspect. And I hope that somehow that might fight off feelings of desolation, which is one of the cruelest emotions on earth.

[summerBreeze{EDQ}]

Thankyou Denseri for sharing your story, you are an inspiration.

[lisasub]

Hi,

I've posted here before. I have long history of childhood sexual abuse and torture. I'm doing okay now, but still dealing with the impact in some ways.
I'm writing tonight because I am going to lose a very important relationship soon. I'm devestated, angry, and I feel so alone and betrayed. Sounds familiar, huh?
Anyway, I can't sleep - again - so wanted to just share what's happening.
I guess I'm writing here because I wish I had a dom to hurt, torture and humiliate me - it feels like that might help. But, I've never done any of this in real life and I realize that now is not the time to try it out for real. So here I am, alone and depressed, dejected, and devestated.

Lastly, as i realize how i feel and what i wish for in a dom, that brings up the same old question: is my wish for dominance and humiliation just a repeat of my abuse? Any thougths will be welcome and appreciated.

Sorry to just complain... I do appreciate the space to say all of this, though.
Good night all,
lisasub

[denuseri]

Hugggs lisa

You are absolutely right, now isnt the time to run out and find just anyone sugar.

Being hurt, tortured and humiliated isnt going to solve your problems. It may fill an urge, but you have to ask yourself, why exactly you have that paticular urge and understand it before you proceed to bring it to any kind of frutition. Especially if you think its linked to your experience.

I allways seriously reccomend finding a kink friendly therapist in real life, they can be hard to find, but well worth the effort; especially for those of us with limited outside support and even if kink friendly support cannot be found you do need to have some form of support outside of the internet in real life even if its vanila etc.

For me it was a great help to have someone to lean on in the lifestyle; one who was willing to help me grow stronger and coax my submission forth with wisdom and support me as I continue to recover along my journey. I was lucky in that regard, very lucky.

I shall pray that you can find some peace in your own efforts and I am so very sorry that your relationship is ending, but I can say when one door closes another can be opened. I hope you can take the time to find yourself and look forward to a better day, try to see this as an oportunity as opposed to something thats only bad.

Have faith my sister you are not alone.

[IAN 2411]

Hi,

I've posted here before. I have long history of childhood sexual abuse and torture. I'm doing okay now, but still dealing with the impact in some ways.
I'm writing tonight because I am going to lose a very important relationship soon. I'm devestated, angry, and I feel so alone and betrayed. Sounds familiar, huh?
Anyway, I can't sleep - again - so wanted to just share what's happening.
I guess I'm writing here because I wish I had a dom to hurt, torture and humiliate me - it feels like that might help. But, I've never done any of this in real life and I realize that now is not the time to try it out for real. So here I am, alone and depressed, dejected, and devestated.

Lastly, as i realize how i feel and what i wish for in a dom, that brings up the same old question: is my wish for dominance and humiliation just a repeat of my abuse? Any thougths will be welcome and appreciated.

Sorry to just complain... I do appreciate the space to say all of this, though.
Good night all,
lisasub

lisasub, I don’t for one minute think that you really wish for a Dom to do these things to you, because as you say you are depressed, dejected and devastated, and it has taken your willpower to rock bottom. I think possibly there are times in every one’s life when they have been where you are now, but it is not the end of the world. You picked yourself up from the abuse as a child and stood tall in defiance, and now you must do the same once more by channelling your anger into strength. Is it humiliation that you really want, or is it Domination, protection, understanding and security in your life? What you wish for in your post comes as a need in most submissive’s, but as a need it is hardly ever sought after as a punishment first. I doubt very much that the way you feel right now has any bearing from your childhood abuse. It might be time to sit down, chill out and work out the direction in life that will suit you most. Childhood abuse is not an illness that reoccurs, it is a ghost in your memory that you have to put to rest, or it will consume your happiness.

Just my thoughts.

Regards ian 2411

[lisasub]

Thanks Ian and Denuseri.

Denuseri, the relationship that's ending is my therapy relationship. It's not my choice - it's my therapist's - and, it's complicated. I disagree w/her reasons but there isn't much I can do about it. She's very stubborn and sometimes myopic. I had begun working on my sexuality issues with her so it's a double whammy kind of loss. Thank you for your kindness and support.

Ian, thank you for your kindness and your thoughts. I will get through this, it just hurts like hell. To think that I trusted her so much - I feel so betrayed.

Lisa

[morwyn{Myrddin}]

dearest lisasub.....
hey sweetie, thank you for posting, it can be difficult to lose a therapeutic relationship, especially one in which you have invested so much. These things that we harbour in our soul and bare to so few only have the power as long as we hold our silence. i know that i know that it is difficult to open oneself up to another and that a therapeutic relationship can feel somewhat safe. i also know the sense of betrayal and abandonment that you must be feeling. i will probably get shot down for this but am asking a question sweetie, and that is what is your responsibility for this relationship breakdown? you have stated clearly your opinion on your therapist but every relationship breakdown has 2 equal parties, whether active or passive. i ask you to look at your own input and honestly own whatever is yours to own. Until you do that and resolve this within your mind any future attempts to deal with the childhood issues will result in the same thing happening. Please do not hear this as an assigning of blame, just a plea to you to own what is yours and leave her with what is hers to own. Once that is resolved in your spirit and mind then you will be able to begin the tentative journey to finding a therapist that you can share with once more.

Having grown up with severe abuse, mental, physical and sexual i learnt a number of years ago the freedom that can be found through the sharing process. Silence as a child was what held me captive in a horrendous situation, and now i feel that i cannot keep silent, for i will not be beholden to my parents actions. i will not carry what is theirs to carry.

At times i have thought, especially in my early lifestyle years that my Master could 'beat the bad out of me', it felt like love to me as all i had ever experienced as an expression of love was violence, sexual and physical. i realised very quickly though that it was never enough. i needed desperately to work through the abuse, which i spent a few years doing. Only then could i understand my own being enough to be able to say that submission for me is now the most beautiful thing. you see the focus could change from needing things 'done to me' to finding that calm serene pure beautiful place of surrender in servitude. Is it a long journey? Yes, for we did not experience only a minutes pain, but is it worth however long it takes? Yes!

Be brave sweetie, own what is yours, let go what is not, and that counts for your abuse also. Be stubborn. Refuse to carry what is not yours to carry.

i leave you with a blessing in my native language, Maori

kia kaha, kia maia, ma te atua koe e manaaki.
Be strong, be steadfast, may you be truely blessed.

morwyn

[lisasub]

Thanks Morwyn. I am aware that I played a role in this, although my therapist hasn't been able to be clear about it. Therefore I have limited understanding of it. She has also appeared to be triggered in some way, perhaps by some details of my abuse or something else. It's just ugly and painful...

I do appreciate your thoughts and kindness, though.

[denuseri]

One of the reasons we don't have on site private chat meetings of the sancturary anymore is becuase it was very very hard for some of us (myself included) all to be together and share anything without getting triggered ourselves.

lisa I wouldnt feel like its your fault at all, if your therapist was responding the way she has, its a natural reaction especially if she herself is also a survivor.

I hope you don't give up on therapy and can find another person out there to help you.

I went through six therapists until finally finding one that could work with me for any length of time.

Hang in there.

[lisasub]

Thanks denuseri... much appreciated. I am not giving up on therapy. I'm just very, very sad. Feeling the loss, and feeling somewhat lost. And feeling somewhat betrayed by someone who I know is a really good person.

I'll get through it - and I do appreciate your support, all.
lisa

[Secret_Salope]

I know this is in the submissive's section, but I happen to be a switch. Hope it's okay that I still share...


I have seen counselors off and on my entire life, and never told any of them what happened to me. Not my parents, siblings, or even a friend. This was for a few reasons. When I was 4 my half brother(same dad) taught me how to play "truth or dare" with consequences. This continued until I was about 6. He raped me 3 times. I don't remember details of everything unless I'm having flashbacks or night terrors. My sister was being abused to, but she was never raped. Just molested. He was 11 when it started(I came to find later that it was because he watched his biological mother get raped at gunpoint around that time) and as time pregressed he stopped wanting to play.

I thought he didn't love me anymore. That since he wasn't trying to do all these things to me that he didn't love me. Well, my biological mother caught us playing truth or dare after I begged him to play one last time with us. I did exactly what he told me to do jic we got caught

I lied.

That was the last time I ever saw him. My dad never spoke to him again. I am almost 21 years old and I have no idea where my brother is. A big part of me wants to see him because I heard he has kids now.

Up until 3 months ago no one knew what really happened to me. I had a flashback when I was wrestling with my husband(not anything sexual xuprisingly) and it just happened. I yelled at him curled in a ball and didnt move for a LONG time. He wants me to get help. I think I'm fine. I haven't needed to talk to anyone about it and part of me still wants to just believe it didnt happen. This is the first time I'm opening up to anyone outside of my husband and a friend who was also raped. Idk what responses I'm looking for I just wanted to vent to people who would get it I suppose...

[submcrider]

You have supportive people in your life. That is wonderful. Get help, too. Someone who can be objective, who you can tell anything you want to tell, who can support you no matter what. Someone who you can share your whole truth with. It's worth it. It helped me in amazing ways...

[IAN 2411]

I am almost 21 years old and I have no idea where my brother is. A big part of me wants to see him because I heard he has kids now.

Up until 3 months ago no one knew what really happened to me. I had a flashback when I was wrestling with my husband(not anything sexual xuprisingly) and it just happened. I yelled at him curled in a ball and didnt move for a LONG time. He wants me to get help. I think I'm fine. I haven't needed to talk to anyone about it and part of me still wants to just believe it didnt happen. This is the first time I'm opening up to anyone outside of my husband and a friend who was also raped. Idk what responses I'm looking for I just wanted to vent to people who would get it I suppose...

Secret_Salope, It is a sad fact that both you and your half brother were victims but on different sides of the fence. Have you spoken to your sister about what was taking place, does she have the same flash backs? You have started the road to recovery by sharing your story with others that have had similar experiences, but now you have to go that short step further by seeing a therapist that deals in abuse in childhood. Before you go to see one, ask him over the phone if he has ever dealt with childhood abuse before, because looking through this thread I have noticed there are an awful amount of fools out there.

I would just like to say though that what took place between you and your husband was a trigger, and I know from experience that all the therapy in the world will never stop you receiving them, and as you go through life you will receive many more. I also fear that by going to see your half brother might just set off more and worse, it could even have a devastating effect on your now grown up life. There are certain times in people’s lives that going back to face your demons is the right way to go, but in your case I feel that it might do you more harm than good. The other thing is if as you say he is now married with children, he might just blatantly deny it ever happened at all, and it will be to protect him and his new life, and that might put your mind in a greater turmoil. I am not a therapist I am only pointing out the pitfalls of not seeking the best help you can get, I hope this has been some help in showing you the correct route to take.

This is not advice but just my thoughts.

Regards ian 2411

[Secret_Salope]

Thank you submcrider and ian2411. I appreciate your advice truely. I think it might be a god idea for me to go see a counselor. I wasn't aware that not all dealt with childhood abuse, that was VERY helpful information.

I've always wanted to see my brither because he is my family and I know he was abused to. I used to think that I was alright with everything, but since I've had flashbacks... I'm betting ian2411 is right and it will just make them worse. I just worry that he's abusing his kids. Since he progressively quit playing all together, I wonder if he got better. I feel bad for him. Which I'm sure sounds odd, but he had a much harder life than me growing up, and mine was no walk in the park. I always wondered if he got better. If he ever thought about me or my sister.

I've talked to my sister about all of this numerous times. She knows we played a game with him, but she doesn't remember any details. She was 2. Her abuse quit way before mine. Maybe because she was so small. idk

[IAN 2411]

I just worry that he's abusing his kids. Since he progressively quit playing all together, I wonder if he got better. I feel bad for him. Which I'm sure sounds odd, but he had a much harder life than me growing up, and mine was no walk in the park. I always wondered if he got better. If he ever thought about me or my sister.

I've talked to my sister about all of this numerous times. She knows we played a game with him, but she doesn't remember any details. She was 2. Her abuse quit way before mine. Maybe because she was so small. idk

The thing is, he might not have the same symptoms as you, and now you are asking yourself if he is abusing his children. The only way to find out would be to ask him, and quite frankly my personal view is that that would not be the best way of making friends. Something more that you should remember is that he stopped of his own accord, and as you have said in your previous post, you instigated him to start once more. He might just have stopped because his maturity and guilt for what he had been doing had kicked in. By bringing him into the equation at this time in both your lives, could mean him loosing his children and his wife, and for not doing any of the things to his children that you are thinking. On the other hand, I can understand why you feel and think this way, but you would be dammed if you do, and damned if you don’t. I have said it before in my previous post, forget him because he is your demon, and all the time you think of the things that took place; then you will never be at peace with yourself. Not all children that are abused or are the abuser stay that way in adult life, as some do change. Just more of my thoughts, but I have now probably confused you more than helped, but your therapist if you find a good one will say some of the same things.

Regards ian 2411

[13'sbadkitty]

i am not sure if my experience will be helpful at all, but i would like to try. my father abused 2 cousins and my and my brother. my brother is in prison for abusing children. none of the rest of us are child molesters. one of my cousins is a therapist and she will not talk about it at all with anyone, one talks about it and is trying to get better. i have been in treatment for much of my life and am doing well for the last few years. as ian said, we are all different, dealing differently. we all suffered differently. i am a recovered addict and was hospitalized for suicide. my cousin who is the therapist only looks to be suffering the least. her kids are never out of sight. she homeschools them and doesn't even let them go to sunday school in her church. she can't read a magazine article or newspaper without finding reasons to keep her kids in. with exception the the one in prison, she is truly the sickest of us all. when i was newly finding all of this out i wanted so badly to be with other family members and get better together or know who was a danger. the only way i got better was in treatment for PTSD. the road to peace for me has been work as was said above. it wasn't usually gotten from where i thought it would be thats for sure. i hope you find what you need.

[spicennice]

I have spent a fair bit of time thinking about this over the past half a year or so. I also ran across an article on another site that put things into perspective for me. It was written by a sub who acted out her pain through BDSM scenes but felt horrible afterwards. It stopped her from cutting but she acted out her pain through BDSM. She was not doing it for the endorphin rush. She felt horrible after these scenes. That is not so good. That to me, is her playing her abuse out over and over again.

For myself I find that the fact that I can feel power over me as being a 'safe' thing adds the balance that I need to offset what has happened in my past. For most of my life I saw power over me as a very bad thing. Realizing that power can be rewarding as well as add value to your life AND that people can use power as a genuine gift of love is a difficult thing to settle into when you have had an abusive past, but once you trust it - there seems to be no turning back IMHO.

[cherri]

i am new here and come across this subject yesterday, immediately went to reply and... i couldn't. i thought i over, searched for the perfect words, found them, typed them out, read them, and then, deleted them. i wish there was some way, at times, to plug my brain into something that sorted and shared how i feel... it took me a lot of years before i would even admit to being abused, even to those who knew, who'd seen the results. i didn't talk about it, share it, refer to it. i am past that now, but still, it's painful, i can sit here and type and not have to admit that i am crying the whole time, but i am.

i don't want to share the details, only that it was physical and mental and emotional. worse, i loved him, he loved me, but he was broken and i thought, somehow, i could fix him, that he would get better, that if i hung in there with him... and it wasn't always like that. sometimes, he treated my like a princess, was so sweet, so good to me... it changed over time. the rages were few and far between at first, and a part of me encouraged them - i was just in the throes of discovering myself, my attraction to BDSM - i am a sub with masochistic tendencies. He'd hurt me, but not too much, and then, god, the sex after, was amazing - i welcomed it as long as he didn't go too far, and mostly, he didn't, and i accepted that, at times, he would, but that was a risk i was willing to take...

that changed one night. he taught me a new game, one of control, of cold rages rather then hot ones... one night, he walked in on me during a bath, not uncommon, but the look on his face was... he sat down, loving brushing my hair back and then, he took me by the throat and pushed me under the water... he out weighed me by 100 lbs or so, and worked out almost daily - it didn't matter if i fought him or not... he let me up, to breath, told me that one day, he'd not let me up until he'd drowned me like a stray kitten. it was in his eyes, he meant it. Afterwards, he bent me over the toilet and raped me anally- oh, yeah, we were a couple, but it was rape - this is the first time i've used that word, but i've known it was true... he hurt me...

that was the beginning of it. after that... i was afraid to take baths, only he insisted, and sometimes, he'd just bathe me or we'd play, and it be fine, and other times he'd tell me that he could, if he wanted and left it at that, and other nights... sometimes he'd not let me up until i was close to unconciousness... every time, i wondered if this would be the night i'd die...

finally, i couldn't take it anymore... i told him no, when he told me to take a bath, i was sure that night he'd go too far... he filled the tub anyways and forced me in. for once, i fought, put everything i had into it, hit him, screamed... i don't remember much, only that i fought him. i honestly don't remember that night, although i still have nightmares, bad ones, that i am sure are memories. i was told he threw me through me through the door going out to our backyard - it was glass... i don't really want to remember.

sad thing is, a part of me still loves him, not all of him, but that beautiful side of him that i fell in love with... it was like jeckyll and hyde, and i loved the one and hated the other. i still feel ashamed that i let him do that to me, shame and humilation, enough so that i don't share it, don't talk about it, and guilt as well. stupid, i know, and i am getting better and i am now in a loving, committed relationship where i control how much abuse i recieve, and it's done with love and trust.

part of my therapy is to write... i wanted to share this, here, were it feels right...

We are slaves of etiquette, chained together by the silences that lie between us.

We are victims of the fear of being hurt, of putting our hearts upon our sleeves, the table top, of taking off our masks and letting the trail of our tears remain visible, tattooed tear drops marking out life sentences.

We are trapped in our anger, unable to trust that the hand that moves forward to wipe the tears from our lashes, won't be the same hand that wraps itself around our throats and pushes us underneath the water one more time, and we are paralyzed by the knowledge that this - this will be the time he keeps his promise and holds us underwater until our lungs catch fire and the water rushes in to claim us once and for all, wondering if it would be better, easier, to just open our mouths and swallow.

We are nailed to a cross, not of wood, but of hope and love and the expectations of joy, surrounded by the angry chaos of our own fears, our own hopelessness, our bitter rage, our pain.

We are deaf blind and especially dumb, unable to raise our hands and shout out the words that would, could, or should, set us free. I am not just a woman, I am a daughter, a mother, a sister, more then just two tits and a cunt and a pretty smile, more then just something to take your anger out on, slake your lust, make you feel big and strong, make you forget all the emptiness trapped inside of you, eating away at your soul. We mourn for the child you once were, beautiful and full of laughter, yearn to rescue him and set him free once more. We are chained by desire. The ropes and chains we wear, the cuffs and shackles, are more then affectations, they are all the more real for being invisible and yet, we feel their weight just as strongly as we feel gravity's pull upon our bodies, the scars we wear mimicking the slash marks upon concrete walls marking out the days, the years, the decades spent in isolation.

I am not a victim. I am a survivor, and that makes me tougher then any motherfucker who thinks that just because he can slam his fist into girl-flesh, he is a man, that just because he's forced his swollen cock between cherry red lips, he's some kind of god. I am the queen of tough motherfuckers. You tried to kill me, and I wouldn't die. You sit around and joke, when you think I'm not listening. "woman is the only creature that bleeds for three days and doesn't die. Fear her."

It's not a joke. The only man who ever came back from the dead was the son of God. When your number is up, you will be dust. For every night that you come into my dreams and try to break me once again, I come back the next morning, still alive, still here, still unbroken. Fear me, for I hold death in my belly as well as life. And to all the brothers, the fathers, the lovers who pick up the pieces, who hurt for us, who shed tears when ours have dried up, we love you for that, and hate you for it as well, knowing that your sorrows will only fill the tub faster, and we grow so tired of swimming, so tired of keeping our heads above the waterline.

We are prisoners to our own fear, our bodies are cages, our minds are cells, our hearts are barred and bolted, filled with just enough to keep us alive as we jump every time we hear footsteps out side the door or see shadow pass by our windows or feel his breathe upon our skin...

I will not live like that. I am the queen of motherfuckers and when I go over the wall, when i am finally free, i'll send a postcard.

"Having a wonderful time - wish you were here. Hugs, cherri."

[cherri]

i just wanted to add, thank you to everyone here, for giving me a place where i could actually share my voice. right now, i feel so much love for everyone here, even if i have never met any of you. thank you all.

[IAN 2411]

cherri; most everyone that has written in this thread has heard your voice, it is not just a voice but the voice of all. It is beutifully written and to the point, you have as you say escaped possible death, by your own strength, and by what you have written that is a feat by itself. Although this will remain a ghost in your memory, You must not let it cloud your mind, not all men ar like the one you had. You might never trust any one man for a long time, but dont ruin your life over thinking that all men are full of the illnes your man had. I know that it took a lot of courage to write your post, so now use that same courage to pass through life in the way that you wish, with the safety that we all should receive. Speaking as a man i would warn you because of your BDSM tenencies, that when you find another mate, then you must test him to the limit and find out all about him before you comit yourself to a long relationship. From now on all of your judgements will be tainted with the memory of the past, and in itself is not a bad thing, but dont let it take over your reasoning, or you might just pass the one that really does care.

Regards ian 2411