Having the roles defined is the best thing to help you when life intrudes. Communication is of the up most importance, and keeping that line of communication open when times of stress or changes in life interrupt the normal routine.

When there are nilla's or kids around, and it would be inappropriate to use whatever pet name you have for each other that helps you feel in your role of the relationship, come up with another that means the same thing, just a little less obviously overt. Things like Sir and My Love are not as ear catching for nilla's as would be Master or Lord. Similarly, if he were to call you my sweet or princess rather than my pet or my slut.

My slave and I have a 10yo who is used to her calling me Master. He asked us about it once, and we told him I am the Master of her heart, and she likes referring to me as Master for this reason. He accepted that, and has even talked about how much it shows how we love each other when she uses that. When around others who are non kinky she will use my first name, or refer to me as 'my love'. It hasn't raised any questions thus far, and helps her maintain her feeling of submission towards me.

I also do little things for her that helps her feel my dominion over her when we are in public. I insist that I open all doors for her, and that if she gets to a door first she is to wait. At this point in our relationship she feels like she is breaking a rule if she does open a door without me telling her to do so. Any nilla seeing us just sees this as me being gentlemanly towards her. My sister in law even gave my brother a hard time when she saw me doing this. Saying "how come you don't do that for me?". My brother later told me it got him in a little hot water, and we chuckled about it.

Whatever little thing you can find, be it opening doors, or choosing menu items etc... Use that to further your relationship, and foster the feeling of D/s between you two. You might be surprised to find some of the things you do in service or submission is seen as a modern day June Clever role by many nilla people. When queried, just respond that this is how you prefer things between you and your partner. They will most often let things go at that, knowing you are happy with how you live your life.

As a little side note, my slave and I were interviewed by another kinky site as a pod cast. You can listen to that two part interview at the following link (will require getting the free membership to listen).

http://mydungeonspace.com/dungeonvox/

It is titled "A Master and His Slave" And as mentioned it's in two parts.

From what I understand a few people have found it helpful. Perhaps you will as well, perhaps you won't. Just wanted to offer it, since it sorta applied to the question you asked.