Ted Stoat’s diary, 25th July

Hrumph! I really don’t know why I read the girls’ diaries when they’re in lessons, all I get is insults. The latest one is from a cute little thing with nice legs called Widget. Strange name, but then I can’t really talk.

Firstly, she insults cousin Ermentrude and her pig Mouthwash, and then she lays into my polished cobblestones. Bah. I polish those cobblestones daily. There’s barely a day that goes by when Ed doesn’t congratulate me on my load of old cobbles.

Next, she confesses to smuggling in a bottle of vodka (confiscated). Miss Gonzales and I shall drink well tonight. I don’t think it’s regular store-bought vodka, though - I had a sip of the stuff and lost a couple of hundred tastebuds and my keys.

Finally, the gravest crime of all – she called me a creepy man! I have never been creepy, except when I crept up on Miss Gonzales to bite her thighs on her birthday. She had asked me to surprise me, but she was still quite indignant. I'll never understand women.

I left an envelope on Widget’s bed – I pinned it to the headboard using a convenient hook.

“To Widget
From Ted Stoat, Caretaker

Widget,

Insolence will not be tolerated. You are to report to me tomorrow morning at 6am for your punishment. I want to break your will. You will strip, place your panties in your mouth, and then I shall enclose your pretty head in a hood. It will make it quite hard to breathe, but hey, it is meant to be a punishment.

I will then stand you on top of a pedestal in your oh-so-precious little shoes, and give you a tray to hold. On the tray will be various clamps, pegs, salves, and a hefty buttplug in the middle. Should you drop any of the items, they will be attached to your body. Or, in the case of the salves, smeared liberally over your bare skin, where it will burn and itch and make you wriggle all the more.

I warn you that you do not want the buttplug inside you. A former pupil, Julie Truly, once mistook it for a hot water bottle and slept with it all through the winter.

All my love,

Ted”

Maybe ‘All my love’ was a bad idea, but I think I got my message across. I just hope she doesn’t realise that I have no authority over anyone other than the petite little Miss Gonzales.

Ted