Non-sub/new to BDSM with experienced Dom

[openyoureyes]

My little one struggles with this a great deal. I keep trying to help him figure out why things bother him so much, and all he says is "I just don't want to be judged or ridiculed." And then I ask him "by who, no one is here but us?" I think that even though we can logically and mentally accept that it's fine to be an individual, what society ingrains in us as "appropriate" or not is very deep-rooted. That's why it's important to use your brain as much as possible, to look at your feelings to figure out why you feel a certain way.

I agree, though I think a part of it is family issues as well. I talked with my sister when I first found out, and her reaction was "You know the things he wants to call you in bed, right?" and it was like, "You think that's all he wants to do??" But it's not something I feel I can really discuss indepth with the people who are closest to me. One of my closest friends, who has even dabbled with BDSM had the reaction of "You need to get out of this relationship before it turns abusive" and it irks me that people assume just because you're in a BDSM relationship it means you're either a victim or an abuser.

Even though I *know* all of these things and don't think what I'm doing is wrong, it doesn't evoke good feelings to know I have to hide a part of myself from friends/family.

That can be tricky because you're a new couple. But as you go, it should become easier to separate "in-session" from "non-session" things. How does he treat you when you're not in-session? By paying attention to that, it should make it easier for you to learn the difference between "real" and "play". It sounds to me like your boyfriend is an understanding person, so you should tell him you're struggling with this.

After our last session he did ask me if I wanted to talk about what happened (it was the first time I'd been 'punished' for not doing what he told me to), but I told him I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. I find it very hard to articulate my feelings to him, especially when he is right there. I do think it will get easier to tell the different between "real" and "play", I think it's just that, when no one's ever done that with me before, my gut reaction is to think he means what he's saying, whether it's in-session or not.