Long Distance Relationship

[southern belle]

Does anyone have experience or advice on how to make a long distance relationship work. I am new to the lifestyle and all of my past relationships have been vanilla. My last vanilla long distance relationship fizzled out and I don't want to see that happen. Any feedback is appreciated.

Thanks

[fetishdj]

Do you currently have a LD relationship with BDSM elements or are you now looking for one?

Generally, communication is the key with LDR. Many limit themselves only to internet - e-mail or messenger - and forget that there are other ways to communicate such as mobile phones. Getting a text message from a Dom/me is an exciting and scary proposition because it could be an order to perform something there and then and you could be anywhere...

So, I suggest as many methods of communication as you can get. As well as a mobile phone (don't use a work one...) and e-mail (don't use work one...) you can also use messenger programs (yahoo, msn etc) with webcams and things like skype or other VOIP for using your webcam with voices rather than typing (so much easier when you are tied up ). This means that you can communicate to a number of different senses anytime, any place and that adds to the overall level of 'complete control' because you cannot simply choose when you communicate by turning on your computer.

I would also suggest doing some research into tasks which can be done online. The various tasks listed in the tasking society here are all appropriate to be done by a sub with no local master. Though with online especially, you need to be very aware of safety issues because you are alone. There are a lot of self bondage sites out there where you or your Dom may get ideas but these ideas need to be common sense filtered a lot.

One thing you may have to ask yourself is 'is a LDR what I really want at the moment?' Because it could be that your last few relationships fizzled because you were not getting what you wanted in terms of attention and physical contact. Maybe you actually need the real, close up contact more than you need the relationship?

[singletaillover]

i use to have a ld relationship with the Master who i have now and i agree in what fetishdj has just said communications is very important. we use to speak to each other every day whether it was just for 5 minutes an hour 2 hours, webcam is important also text and phone each other. Master also made arrangements for me to see another Dom/Master who would carry out any punishments if any and send pic and a write up to keep Master informed. The Dom/Master had to follow Masters instructions to the book which was no permanent marks.

[Archeon]

The one thing that we found the hardest was not the original long distance relationship, but once you spend a significant amount of time together in real life, going back to long distance is very hard, it just doesn't seem real, as you have experienced the real thing. This is something you should be aware of if you are going to end up meeting for real (which let's face it, if you are in a relationship that will be something you move towards).

My general advise regarding long distance is me and blue didn't go a single day in a year without talking to each other, regardless of circumstances, even if it was a quick hi, how are you? With all the modern technology there really is no excuse for not keeping in contact with your partner, and this is in my opinion one of the most important things in a long distance relationship.

Regards,

Arch

[sdgirl]

I've been involved in a long distance relationship since... August? I know women are supposed to remember all the details like that but *shrug*

As everyone else said, communication is key. We talk just about every single day. Sometimes it's just a quick hello and others it's for hours at a time. On days when we don't get a chance to talk I still let him know what I'm doing and that I'm thinking of him. He doesn't give me tasks to do, it's just not something important to us.

[FrgnSwtc]

I was in a LDR for half a year before we moved it to a RLR. To repeat a bit what the other members have said, communication is extremely important. Every day, even if it's a quick word or if for some reason phones aren't available (in this day and age... it happens) emailing replaces it.

Settle a routine, fixed times of the day in which you absolutely talk. If for some reason one of you can't make it to the appointment, explain beforehand. Adding to that, a surprise text message or email always made my day.
For us, tasking was very important as well... Establishing the nature of the relationship from the start forms a recognizable pattern for yourself that, if you are both committed to the relationship, will make the initial adjustment easier when (if) meeting personally.

Another thing, and this might seem silly but I found it deeply important. If you have doubts, questions, a bone to pick with your partner speak up immediately. Forgetting that voice modulation doesn't translate to writing is easy and misunderstandings can be fatal when you're on a LDR.

[fetishdj]

I was in a LDR for half a year before we moved it to a RLR. To repeat a bit what the other members have said, communication is extremely important. Every day, even if it's a quick word or if for some reason phones aren't available (in this day and age... it happens) emailing replaces it.

Everyone seems to agree that 'communication every day' is important.. however, I would add to and modify that a little. Communication every day is not always possible and you should be aware of that. However, when you know that communication is not going to be possible (i.e. I am travelling abroad for a week, mobile costs are expensive and I am unlikely to be near a computer) you should communicate the reason for and the extent of the lack of communication. The worst thing in the world for an online sub is to wake up in the morning, expecting to find an e-mail that is always there every morning, only to find nothing. They start to worry... I know this because I break this rule all the time and, when I finally do get to log on, am met with many mails filled with concern.

So, known breaks in communication should be reported in advance and unexpected ones resolved as quickly as possible. This is another reason why many forms of communication is a good idea - when one fails, there is always a spare.

[singletaillover]

fetishdj tell me about it, when i was living in the UK and i didnt get any e mail or off line messages on yahoo messenger from Master i got ever so worried, as i thought that something terrible had happened to Master but found out later that Master was somewhere in Australia where you cant use a mobile or the internet as there was no signal.

[fetishdj]

Yes, there are always cases when you may lose signal. And it is not just the middle of Australia... parts of the UK have no signal (I spent ages yesterday trying to get an online connection on my phone so I could acccess my mails...)

[SubmissiveCandy]

I have been in a long distance relationship myself since last October. Sir and I have met once back in January and I must say, I really enjoy our relationship. We talk on the phone when we can. We text each other throughout the day. We chat on Yahoo or AIM as well but every now and then we talk on Skype. It depends on his work schedule really.
Communication is key which is obvious. I've had long distance relationships before and they didn't work out. This lifestyle and this relationship I have with Sir has taught me I need to trust in someone else and communicate. My past vanilla relationships failed because there was no communication. Sad but I'm glad because if they hadn't failed I wouldn't have been introduced into this lifestyle nor met Sir.

[MstrWolf_ncs_lilbrat]

Communication is important, yes, but it will not necessarily save a relationship. i have a long-distance relationship with my Grand Master right now and i absolutely fucking HATE IT!!! i can't serve Him the way i want to. i'm stuck miles away, and it just kills me to know that there are sooo many deliciously naughty things i'm restricted from experiencing (made worse since i'm fairly inexperienced to begin with), and really it makes me feel like i'm less of a slave for it. Now, at first Master might be upset with me for saying that, but i realize that i would only actually be less of a slave if i were to not try to fix the problem or if i were content with things as they are now.

My point is that i don't believe a slave can have a longterm relationship with a Master if that person is a true slave. Maybe a submissive could...i don't really know because i can't understand partial submission. No offense to anyone. i just know that i couldn't do it. So my response to your post is this: how much are you willing to serve and how much do you want to? Will it bother you or him to be so far apart? Because it is my opinion that the more you want to serve the harder it will be to maintain, and the less the easier. If i felt there was no chance of me being able to live with Master i would request release. Number one i'm not fulfilling my promises as a slave in the first place, and number two He deserves someone who will serve Him and who will be there in person, daily.

Therefore, a long distance relationship would absolutely not work for me longterm, because i simply do not understand how someone can be slave and live miles apart contentedly...or at least not doing anything to rectify the situation. It would make me seriously question whether that person was a true slave.

On the other hand, it's not a good idea to rush things. i'm sure many subs/slaves have gotten themselves into a BUNCH of very dangerous and emotionally scarring situations this way. You have to be careful. Make sure that is what you want before you take that step, cause it's a big one. But i think eventually every deep relationship has to be face to face or it will fizzle out.

[fetishdj]

LD can never replace RL, that is not under dispute here. Though I am not sure that your feelings are anything to do with being a true slave. There will always be a feeling of being removed from your Master and not being able to do quite all the things you like doing. Everyone gets this - subs, slaves, Masters, Mistresses, vanilla people even - because one thing you can never replicate with technology is the closeness of touch.

The point is that LD is not meant to be a replacement or a permanent solution and never pretends to be. It does, however, serve some very important functions in the lifestyle:

- It acts as a relief from certain needs and wants. You may not be able to get r/l BDSM in your locality, for whatever reason, but you can still have it using cyber. Sometimes it is enough to scratch that irritating itch just enough to let you live your life normally again until the cravings start once more.
- It allows existing r/l couples to keep practising BDSM even when seperated from each other. Either because of waiting for one to relocate (there are many examples of this on these forums), one or the other partner needing to travel a lot for work or some other reason why they are seperated.
- It is a great training method, especially as a self training method. A sub can indulge in BDSM online in a safer manner than in real life and can use the experiences to inform their own knowledge of their limits and personal likes and dislikes. After all, if you can't stand nipple clamps when *you* have put them on yourself and can take them off when it gets too painful, how do you think it will be when a Dom/me applies them and you have no control?

I would also be very careful about using words like 'true slave' as they do suggest a 'one true way' attitude and there are many different ways in which slaves are defined...

[understudy]

I have been in long distance relationships but like you they were vanilla and they all fizzled out. I have met some potential partners online and although I can't really offer any advice I do appreciate all who responded as your experiences and advice will help inform my decision of whether to try and enter into a l/d on line realationship with someone i meet here or elsewhere in the interweb.

[openyoureyes]

I was in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years. We were long distance for about 6 months, then moved in together for 5 months, and then he had to move back and we were long distance for another 13 months before we were able to see each other again. It was a vanilla relationship, but we did lots of things to try to stay connected to each other.

We talked just about every day, and at least a couple times a week on the phone. We used to send each other packages every month or two. (I knitted him a scarf once, bought him his favorite candies, sent him letters and photos [yes, sometimes *those* letters and photos ], etc. He made me a necklace once, would send me letters and photos and other misc. items.) The packages actually helped a lot, because we both looked forward not just to receiving a surprise, but also planning them. I also kept myself very busy with school and work so that I wouldn't feel lonely as often, and it also gave me more to talk about with him.

I've never tried having a BDSM relationship l/d, though. I imagine it would be a much different experience. The times I was l/d, it was excruciating. Like I said, I kept myself busy, I talked to him a lot, and we tried to send each other things once a month or so and all that did help, but it was still very hard.

[tastychococakes]

I am currently in a LDR with my Master. We have been this way for close to 2 years now. Yes, I agree with others in that communication is essential in making a LDR work, but you also have to be willing to make it work. Understand that you will have good days and bad days, but if you're willing to stick it out, it can be truly rewarding. We talk everyday, whether it is by phone, IM, email, or text message. We are brutally honest with one another also. I'm able to tell him how I feel about anything as long as I understand that the final decision is his alone. Every relationship is different, the best thing to do is to learn what works for you guys as a couple. Good luck!

[sub_kat]

I'm in a LD relationship and I hate it, but it can help in some ways. You talk more about what you want so when you can see each other it's more fulfilling. Plus your Dom can send you tasks in emails and there is Skype for live sessions. It's difficult but do-able if you wish to. If you need help with it, I pretty much have it down by now. Sigh.

[pyxzie]

Master and i have been in a LDR since June '09. i am suprised W/we have made it this far. W/we talk all the time. And when W/we can't it makes both of U/us upset. W/we have are cell phones glued to O/our hands. W/we also use Facebook to talk. W/we also write letters back and forth when all else fails. Yes it is really slow, but it still works. Things are really hard for U/us. But i have to say His cailm nature put out and cailms my fire sign self. He has started to make plans to move to where i am living, as a temporay move. i feel that i should move to Him, but i have to go to court to beable to move. He understands what i have to go through and He is comming here to be with me through this court battle. W/we just can't go on without each other. W/we know W/we are right for each other and i think that Y/you have to be right for each other to make it work.

[sweetiepie]

I am currently in a LD relatinship with my Master, and i think they way i get through it is knowing that right now, there is no chance that either of us could change our lifestyles to be closer to each other. But. I hope in the future this can happen. It helps me to know that although it is LD he treats me (albeit online) the same way i would want him to treat me if we were together.
When i talk to my Master and he is instructing me to do this, or do that, or i require you to.. I actually feel like he is there with me and that if i dont do what he is asking the consequences are going to be as bad as if we were together.
i dont know if that made sense, lol, but i think thats what gets me through it.

[shy_lovegirl[Quest10]]

I am in LD reationship for a little time and we talk all day on yahoo,
use webcam texts emails we are lucky because our work
permites us to yahoo very often in the day
Master gives me tasks to do and in they help me feel closer to him,
knowing the takes the time to email me every morning before work and
in evening with instructions for the next day or just to wish me good night.
We have talked about meeting in real in the near future,
a bdms relationship is more intens and your more involved
then l vanilla and that is one off the motives l LD vanilla is harder to keep
l think,we are going slow and enjoing the voaiage!

[mistik]

Master & I are married. Our relationship in the very beginning began LD. I was from Canada & he was from the USA. We spent 3 years communicating daily mostly via MSN messenger. Occasionally we would get phone cards & call each other (this was before Skype came out) and every once in a while we would video chat via MSN or exchange pictures (me more than him as he'd request me to pose a certain way for him & take a pic then send it). Our online communication was our bread & butter. We very much depended on it for keeping our relationship alive & strong despite our inability to be together in person.

After 3 years of this we finally were able to meet face to face & 5 months after that we married. We've lived together ever since (the past 6 years), at least we did up until about 6 months ago when Master was called away for a very long 8 month business trip on another continent. It's been difficult but we continue to talk daily via MSN & Skype. I don't know how anyone ever did LD with out Skype in the past it is just such an amazing tool!

Master also emails me sometimes too. We do things such as cyber or I'll play with myself for him over Skype. Sometimes he gives me assignments to do too. Mostly we discuss how things are & how things will be when he finally comes home again in another couple months but most importantly we stay in touch daily. I devote every moment I have to making sure I am available to him during his waking hours that he's not at work. He is 8 hours ahead of me & it's not easy but I do it because our time together is so important to the both of us. We do whatever it takes to make it work.

[EmeraldRoseWidow]

I am currently in a LD with my Master and my fellow sub, and its really hard, cause i want to be with Master so bad. We mostly do things over skype using video chat with it now, and that helps a lot, though i still have a lot to learn for Master before i can properly please Him. Thankfully i will be moving in with them come may, which i just cannot wait for, because the distance is very difficult. I just wanna be there in person to please my Master so bad.

But for now yahoo messenger and skype will be enough, i will have to do my best to please Master in any way i can, until i can finally be there alongside Master to properly please Him.

[votre_chèrie]

I'm currently in a LD relationship with my Master and the biggest part is that you have to be honest with each other. I guess this has already been said in this thread, but I can't stress it enough. Modern technology helps out a lot, texting, IM services, Skype, and the like are all good ways to communicate throughout the day. The only warning I have for you is that nothing anyone could have told me would have prepared me for how hard it is to wait to be able to relocate myself to be with Him.

In a lot of ways I think relationships starting out LD and moving to RL can help make a relationship much stronger if you can make it work long enough to be with each other physically. The communication skills you develop in a LD relationship are invaluable over the course of your relationship.

[EmeraldRoseWidow]

I'm currently in a LD relationship with my Master and the biggest part is that you have to be honest with each other. I guess this has already been said in this thread, but I can't stress it enough. Modern technology helps out a lot, texting, IM services, Skype, and the like are all good ways to communicate throughout the day. The only warning I have for you is that nothing anyone could have told me would have prepared me for how hard it is to wait to be able to relocate myself to be with Him.

In a lot of ways I think relationships starting out LD and moving to RL can help make a relationship much stronger if you can make it work long enough to be with each other physically. The communication skills you develop in a LD relationship are invaluable over the course of your relationship.

I would have to agree, the communication that often kills relationships is worked on a lot in LD. If you cant come to a point where you can communicate and succeede, the relationship will fail before you ever see each other in person. Its a good thing, just hard to be so far away sometimes i guess.