Very Interesting. Lie down on this couch... Have you ever heard the term "catholic guilt"? And no, you don't have to be a RC to have it. Everything you have described is not unusual. Wanting to "control" someone without taking the responsibility of being a Domme...certainly. I'll make a confession here - occasionally (once every few years) I get an urge to let my wife tie me up instead. Not that it happens, mind you...I just get the urge. So what is shameful about wanting sex? Even BDSM whip your ass and scream while getting fucked sex? Nothing. It's just hard to accept the fact that you are drawn to activities and interests that "other people" deem to be "shameful". Not all of us are serial killers. Cereal killers, maybe. Some are just plain old normal perverts. Right, Oz? The hardest part is accepting that what you enjoy is not necessarily shameful. As long as you're doing the ssc thing and not involving children, let yourself go. Harder to do than say, right? Talking about it makes you all tingly. So does the first drop off of a roller coaster. Hang on and ride it out. Just like the roller coaster. It's easier to enjoy and do things in the company (either physical or on-line) of other similar minded folks. On the other hand, if you WANT to feed your guilt, go on FetLife and encourage people to humiliate you! (kidding.) You were taught that what you enjoy is wrong. It's hard to unlearn something that was pounded into you from an early age. It's more wrong to beat yourself up because what others have said is "wrong" is what you enjoy. That's the beauty of the on-line experience. No one knows exactly who you are or where you live. (Except me, of course. I'll be over later this evening...) So relax, go with it. Don't beat yourself up over this. That's what friends are for.