Help for a newbie

[thir]

Hello all,
Im sorry if i am not following normal protocol, im new and looking forward to meeting everyone and getting to know you all.

Rest assured that there is no protocol here. Something on your mind, just say it, as you have done here.

The basics... I've had pretty rubishy vanilla relationships, i've been abused etc etc i need not go in to detail. These experiences have pulled my guards up to a level I dont think even I can break down anymore.

He is a Daddy Dom, with lots of experience. He is loving, nurturing, firm, he is just amazing, to me he is everything.

We are not in a D/s relationship but we are getting closer and closer. He knows I am submissive and he knows i fight it to the very core. He knows about my past and every day he pushes me to better myself, encourages me to open up. There is nothing more he can do to help me to help myself.

My problem is... i keep on fighting him, or rather, his Dominance. I don't even know why. I would love nothing more than to give him my submission. I cant figure out why i do this.

After I've snapped i feel so guilty, i hate knowing ive let him down again. Disappointed him. That in itself is punishment for me. I cant stand it.

Its not even big things i fight, its the silly little things he asks me to do. The things that my friends would ask of me and id agree without a second thought.

Is there anyone out there in a similar situation or who has had similar experiences and have worked through them? I really really need any help or guidance possible. I just dont know how to handle it anymore. I have tried biting my tongue and just letting things go, but eventually it bursts out and i end up snapping again.

I really hate it, and myself right now, for being so incredibly selfish to him.

Mt first thought when I read this is that your anguish over your reactions are making it worse. I do understand about the feeling of dissappointing him, but I would think that you have to try to let that GO, because it only makes it worse.

Try this thought: Did you promise him that you would be perfect - in some, not yet defined way of perfect? I believe everybody, regardless of their past, takes time to find their own specific model of submission, and you may need more.

Is this worth doing? Then, can you not have patience, while you are doing it, and and give it the time it needs? See it as a process, not something that should have been perfected yesterday. See your reactions as normal for you, they are there for a reason. And ask him if he is dissappointed. It will help free your mind if you can get rid of these frustration, or at least diminish them.

Second thought, you do not know why you are fighting him. Can it be fear? If you have bad experiences with opening up it is not very surprising that you fight over it. Sound like you are fighting with yourself, not with him, really.

I assume you have asked yourself why, more precisely, you are doing this, and come up with nothing? Would it be an idea to try again?

The question in my head right now is, is it going too fast? Do you need to slow down to catch up? Do you meed breaks, or times where you are a sub and times where you aren't?

Or is it the other way around? Do you need a more strict regime to make it?

Good luck to you both :-)