I’m having a rough night.. And I’ve got a blank screen in front of me sooo.. I guess I’ll tell the quick and dirty version my story.. Sorry if it’s a bit rambling.. I was sexually abused 3 times from the time I was 2 until I was about 11.. I never told my parents about the two later abuses but the first time was my uncle who turned out to be a pedophile and the family found out when he abused me and my brother, who was old enough to say something... Details of what happened later aren’t really important.. Basically I was put into a situation where I didn’t feel I could tell anyone about what was happening… Then when I got to high school someone had basically told a group of the upper classmen that I was an easy but unexciting lay. I spent the next 6 months or so getting harassed and dealt with it by cutting and burning myself.. If you keep a straight face and don’t start crying most people will except it when you say your fine..
Flash forward to the college years… For the most part these were good times.. Yeah I was still cutting more often than not but I was free of the people and places… And then I went and got drunk at a friend’s dorm room. He left and his suit-mate came into the room and tried raping me.. My friend came back into the room and a week later the guy moved out and left the university..
Flash forward again to present day… I just met this guy (online not r/l ???yet???) and it’s all bright and shiny and I don’t know how explain that sometimes I’ll get in a really dark mood.. That even though I haven’t in over a year sometimes I still want to stick a blade into a fire and press it against my skin so that my outsides will hurt as much as my insides because it’s way easier to deal with the external hurt.. That that’s something I can deal with when I can’t deal with all the rest.. And when I am in a bad head place part of the appeal of S&M is that the pain gives me something to focus on so I won’t freak out about the fact that someone is touching me..
I know on the one hand I can’t keep shutting down and keeping everyone out but I also can’t help feeling that if people knew just what was going on in my head it would just.. Scare them off or something..

Sorry about being all rambling, ranty, and incoherent..