BDSM outside of marriage

[felinefred]

I'm involved in a new baby bdsm relationship with a man who is married in a very vanilla relationship. I don't necessarily feel good about being involved with a married man, but on the flip side, I, selfishly, need the release of this type of sex. I don't want his wife to find out. He's the dom, I'm the sub, so I don't know how this will play out but he's teaching me so very many things that I didn't know. My hope is that I don't fall for him while this is going on.

[swa]

Very interesting! I just joined and am not quite sure what section to use to address my fetish. My wife and I are professional pilots and she comes across as very prim and proper, vanilla if you will. We have an active personal sex life 4-5 times per week. I am, I guess, a semi cuckold. I love finding out my wife is with someone else, she doesn't know I know, and have that person take photos and vids. She has recently gotten involved with a local doctor who is very much a Dom and has given me a tour of his very expensive and extensive "basement" how outside the lifestyle is this?

[LO1121]

My husband is also really turned on by the thought of me with another man. We both have fought our desire for this for a long time, but after 10 years it makes us happier and more in love not to.

[thir]

My husband is also really turned on by the thought of me with another man. We both have fought our desire for this for a long time, but after 10 years it makes us happier and more in love not to.

Good that you found the right way for you, just wondering, why did you fight it??

[LO1121]

Societal "norms" are bitches. It's hard to let go. It takes more trust (in my humble opinion) to have an open marriage than a physically monogamous one.

[ar1]

It takes more trust (in my humble opinion) to have an open marriage than a physically monogamous one.

I read something earlier this evening that really got me thinking about trust vs. jealousy in relationships. In a nutshell, it went like this:

Couple 1 went to a party one night and had an amazing time, but Couple 2 who they are friends with had some difficulties due to the male having jealousy and trust issues. The girls in both couples had been receiving a lot of attention from others throughout the evening and loving every moment of it, occasionally going back to their partners for a few moments just to check-in so to speak. This worked great for Couple 1 who were each doing their own thing for the most part, but the male in Couple 2 would put on a fake smile then continue sulking about his girlfriend. He didn't understand how it couldn't bother Male 1 that his girlfriend was so flirty with other people instead of being with him, to which Male 1 replied it didn't bother him as he trusts her and in the end he knows the girl will be going home with him.

Male 2 obviously feels jealous when his girl gets attention elsewhere, yes he cares but his actions negatively affecting their relationship and enjoyment of the evening. Male 1 however felt proud that he was lucky enough to be with such a beautiful girl who got so much admiration from others, and enjoyed seeing her enjoy herself because there was a level of trust.

Now, from what I understand I assume Couple 1 have a somewhat open relationship whereas Couple 2 is very strictly monogamous. Yet it is Couple 1 who display the deepest level of trust and Couple 2 who battle with emotions of jealousy. Why is that, I wonder, and (how) can we change our own emotional reactions to situations to display the better traits that lead to more enjoyment all round?

[AugustusCaesar]

I think the only way to "change" this jealous behavior is for that husband (through some sort of counseling or 12-step -like group) to work through his issues. Definitions must be created for this discussion. We also need to use them properly. I submit that he is not jealous ... he is "possessive" which is much more sinister in nature. He sulks: a manipulative action meant to cause harm to his wife, to force her back to his side. It is controlling, in effect, her actions. It is also punishing. I believe that jealousy is a normal, healthy "pang" .... a momentary knee-jerk reaction to seeing someone you love gaining more attention, etc. but it is quickly overcome and the healthy attitudes (as you mentinoned above) spring in to complete and therefore mitigate the initial feeling of jealousy. I suggest that persistent jealousy, in which the healthy attitudes of love and selflessness are never manifested, is a synonym for "possessiveness" and will always result in an impossibility for "enjoyment [to be had] all around."

[thir]

I My hope is that I don't fall for him while this is going on.

Uh, that can be quite hard to avoid..As someone used to say: there is no condom for the heart.