How do you approach the hard questions????

[casie1124]

It's never good to not ask a question just because you fear it may be confrontational. Better to ask it and get it out of the way than it constantly be nagging at your conscious. I'm sure the person you want to ask the question would much prefer getting it out of the way than having problems with it down the road.

[GearJammer]

Ask them, thrall. The "blowup" is as much an answer in itself as a standard answer is.

[GearJammer]

Do you think you could all be done with you pseudo-secret character assassination? It's boring and beneath us all.

A good point, but it should not be stretched to cover someone telling the truth of what happened to them, either. Just to cover all the bases that others might attempt to apply your post to.

[cookiecat]

Do you think you could all be done with you pseudo-secret character assassination? It's boring and beneath us all.

Was this one of the hard questions?

[Sir_Russell]

just found this thread since minx's comment.

She left out that that we had talked often that I won't be mistrusted. That she had done this several times even though I was all ways upfront with her. She was lectured on this behave and given punishment after 2 incidents for it.

Some may think that jealousy is wonderful but I have been there in the past and won't go back there. It implies that I lie to her, cheat on her, and hide things from her. I did none of those. So yes release happened since it is a flaw I won't deal with.

Oh, and why would she want a Dom or Master that she feels that way about.

[TomOfSweden]

Maybe some questions are too hard to ask based simply on the 'asker' not wanting to hear the answer? Which, of course, if true then it's imperative to ask and clear the air

But your creating a world where the unknown can have any possible outcome. The unknown still has a state, we just don't know it. Asking won't change it. Only revealing it. I understand that in some cases blissful ignorance is the best option, (I mean, we can impossibly learn everything in the world). But if you want that, you really don't have a problem.

[lily27]

Being afraid to ask the question doesn't make the problem go away any. And if it was something that was important to me, it would just sit and fester.... much better to clear the air and deal with the consequences. I am not really a fan of living a lie anyways.

In my relationship, I am not allowed to keep secrets. This includes keeping worries and concerns to myself. If I have a problem, I am expected to go to him with it. By extension, this means that if I am questioning anything about him, I am damn well expected to ask the question.

Master, in turn, is always open and honest, and often more than a little bit blunt. He will sometimes give a warning of "Do you really want to know?" and if you answer yes, you are gonna get the truth. He has found it to be a fairly effective technique when people ask about our relationship. Most of the time the person doing the asking decides that in fact, they really don't want to know.

[alpha_Straye]

How do you approach the hard questions?
I hate asking questions that make me uncomfortable!!...i just hate it. I don’t like skulking around the edges, looking at the elephant and never talking about it. Bing a sub can sometimes cause a problem with my natural inclination to take on problems head on.
Being in an open communication relationship makes talking about problems or nagging questions easier, but sometimes even that isn’t enough. I still feel uncomfortable asking questions that could become……..problematic.
All the hard questions, sometimes easy questions, normal natural questions can sometimes spin out of control. I never know what the breaking point is……….I am always afraid of my simple questions being over-reacted too. I never know when something I want to talk about will cause a defensive reaction…
But I ask anyway, as uncomfortable as I am……..i still always ask. That is what a D/s relationship is all about……….open, honest, communication.

I plan on meeting someone next month……..and its time for all the very hard questions…..but as uncomfortable as I am…….i still need to know the answers…….and will risk the responses….

So my question is this…….

Do you ask questions that may cause problems…….or stay silent??

if the question "may cause a problem" then that kind of implies there is a problem. personally if there's some unknown problem lurking under the surface i'd sure as heck want to know all about it. even more so in a BDSM D/s context. woldn't you want to know about any problems BEFORE you go any further?

[Warbaby1943]

if the question "may cause a problem" then that kind of implies there is a problem. personally if there's some unknown problem lurking under the surface i'd sure as heck want to know all about it. even more so in a BDSM D/s context. woldn't you want to know about any problems BEFORE you go any further?

Yes, as would most.

[jeanne]

Was this one of the hard questions?

It wasn't hard to ask, cookie. And I got the answer I expected - excuses and avoidance. It's a shame that minx felt the need to air this very specific example, knowing that everyone would know who she was talking about. It seems that there's some sort of underlying "Dom pissing match" going on here at the library, egged on by some subbies. It's happened before and it will happen again.

So, to answer the original question...

Yes, the hard questions should be asked. And yes, the fallout from them is sometimes not what we intend/hope for. But it's better to know up front than to leave it lingering and festering out of fear...and when the reaction or answer is not what we expected, well, at least we know. And can make a decision based on that.

[annie]

It wasn't hard to ask, cookie. And I got the answer I expected - excuses and avoidance. It's a shame that minx felt the need to air this very specific example, knowing that everyone would know who she was talking about. It seems that there's some sort of underlying "Dom pissing match" going on here at the library, egged on by some subbies. It's happened before and it will happen again.

So, to answer the original question...

Yes, the hard questions should be asked. And yes, the fallout from them is sometimes not what we intend/hope for. But it's better to know up front than to leave it lingering and festering out of fear...and when the reaction or answer is not what we expected, well, at least we know. And can make a decision based on that.

And sort of along those same lines...

1. When a question is asked there is normally more too it or the asker wouldn't have the need to to ask it.

2. And no one can ever know the full story of anyone else's relationship unless they are a part of it, so judging which questions should and shouldn't be asked and how the responses should or shouldn't have happened and the persons character is unfair to both parties and no one's business unless they are directly involved from the start of the initial relationship.

And while the thread was started for the right reasons... Here's my question...

Why do some find it necessary to air their laundry and other's in a public forum and try to do it on the sly in the process? Certainly leads back to my second point of judging and a persons character.

So, I agree some questions need to be asked... INSIDE the relationship and kept there. Otherwise the trust that everyone is talking about in needing the questions and answers is just as broken, imo.

[thrall]

Here are a few examples of my hard questions......

Have you ever been in a scene where things have gone to far or gotten out of control?

Have you ever hit someone in anger?....and if so....what did you do and how was the situation handled afterwards?

Have you ever raped anyone?.......and if you did....were you convicted.....and if you weren't convicted...why not??

Have you ever been convicted of anything?

Do you have anger issues?

Do you have a current STD test??

.......so all standard hard questions....

How do you approach a questions like this.....

would you like to talk about the other girl i'm not supposed to know about.....the one you are sending the exact same emails to as you were sending me?? The girl you seemed to have failed to mention me to either??

i am still dying to ask someone else that question ( not the person im meeting next month)....but just cant bring myself to ask it.

How do you get to that one???...Do you stay silent......or do you ask??

[lily27]

I would start with that last one! If I was inclined to ask at all.... more than likely I would just walk away.

The others I would just bring up in conversation. I think they are all important. In this day and age, most people should be expecting (and be willing to have) the STD conversation.

I can't say I have had the inclination to ever ask if someone has raped someone else. I would be quite concerned if I even had that worry. Same as to the hitting someone in anger.

I am not sure if asking someone if they have anger issues would be very effective. I would suspect that most people with anger issues don't think they have anger issues... so some things are best learned with experience and observation.

I hope it works out... those are some pretty weighty issues you are dealing with.

[thrall]

I would start with that last one! If I was inclined to ask at all.... more than likely I would just walk away.

The others I would just bring up in conversation. I think they are all important. In this day and age, most people should be expecting (and be willing to have) the STD conversation.

I can't say I have had the inclination to ever ask if someone has raped someone else. I would be quite concerned if I even had that worry. Same as to the hitting someone in anger.

I am not sure if asking someone if they have anger issues would be very effective. I would suspect that most people with anger issues don't think they have anger issues... so some things are best learned with experience and observation.

I hope it works out... those are some pretty weighty issues you are dealing with.

waahoo....im not!!...

.....but those are some of the questions i ask.....as i said....hard questions

i think they are very valid questions.......and so are the answers and non-answers......

[tessa]

Here are a few examples of my hard questions......

Have you ever been in a scene where things have gone to far or gotten out of control?

Have you ever hit someone in anger?....and if so....what did you do and how was the situation handled afterwards?

Have you ever raped anyone?.......and if you did....were you convicted.....and if you weren't convicted...why not??

Have you ever been convicted of anything?

Do you have anger issues?

Do you have a current STD test??

.......so all standard hard questions....

Why would any of those be difficult to ask? And so what if it pisses them off? You have your answer if they do get riled by any of them. And besides, you're only going to get their version of the truth, so the answers will be basically worth less than nothing anyway. There's that.

Except for the STD question. And no one should accept just words for that answer. If you weren't there personally at the appointment to hear that person's results for yourself, request a faxed copy of the results be sent to you directly from the doctor's office (or wherever the testing was done). Then verify that the fax indeed came from the doctor's office (or wherever).

Difficult? Hell, yes. But if there's nothing to hide, it's no big deal. I'd rather have a pissed off bullshitter on my hands than HIV running through my veins.

And an FYI: just remember that condoms, dental dams, et all... won't protect you against all STD's. Educate yourself!

Yes, it's me, tessa. Spreading joy and sunshine all over. Rather this than something else. Unless where talking about legs. Those are good to spread.

So my answer is, ask the questions. Seriously. Being a submissive doesn't mean you leave yourself open to whoever or whatever the hell is out there just because it's uncomfortable to ask. No meeting with anyone is worth that risk.

[TomOfSweden]

Here are a few examples of my hard questions......

Have you ever been in a scene where things have gone to far or gotten out of control?

Have you ever hit someone in anger?....and if so....what did you do and how was the situation handled afterwards?

Have you ever raped anyone?.......and if you did....were you convicted.....and if you weren't convicted...why not??

Have you ever been convicted of anything?

Do you have anger issues?

These are dodgy to ask. If he's got real problems with any of these he'll just lie. If he is truthful, and maybe says yes to anger issues, you can be fairly sure he hasn't got a problem with it. Or he wouldn't tell you. Never underestimate the power of self delusion. Guys with anger problems usually blame whoever they're with for it. So they'll be able to say with a clear conscience that they don't have a problem, even though they obviously do.

These bits of information I suggest getting off him more indirectly. Which is more in-line with your submissiveness, isn't it? For example, by posing scenarios. "If you've had a bad day and are in a bad mood, and I would break a rule and you felt that you might not be able to keep your cool. Would you punish me anyway". You're not likely to ever get yes/no answers but you'll get answers that you can post here, and which we can help you to decipher! No, but seriously. You'll get a vibe from the guy that you can interpret. Honesty can always be found in what people don't say.

Do you have a current STD test??

It still doesn't have to be safe. He could still have met someone right before he met you. What I've always done is demand condoms until her and I as a couple get tested together. And make it a romantic day out.

would you like to talk about the other girl i'm not supposed to know about.....the one you are sending the exact same emails to as you were sending me?? The girl you seemed to have failed to mention me to either??

You have to ask this question!!! It'll be very revealing. But don't pose it in a way that let's him deny anything. You need to prove in the question that you know it's true. If nothing else, it'll be a really fun answer. And if it is true, you should make him squeal a bit. Nobody is perfect, and this I wouldn't think would be grounds to discount him as a good master even if it's true. It's just funny. And you'll be able to judge his character from his reply.

"Adversity reveals the genius of a general; good fortune conceals it".
Horace, (65 - 8 BC)

[tydnchaynz{NSXX}]

lovely thread Thrall....

The hard questions in my opinion are the most important to ask. i have tended to find that if i find a question very difficult to ask it is because i am usually not sure that i want to know the answer. And these are possible relationship changing questions. If the answers are not what you need/hope them to be, it will affect the outcome of the relationship. Therefore, i would suggest asking them immediately. And as many have said, be prepared for an honest answer, wether it is what you wanted to hear or not.

i love Tom's suggestions for the STD question. And in this day and age, it is so important. And another important point to remember is that some of the STD's out there these days have a six month to a year 'incubation' period. So just because someone is tested one month into the relationship and everything is negative, it does not mean they can't convert later on. My suggestion would be condom use until after a year of a monogamous (sp?) relationship, and you both should be tested at six months and at a year. At that point if everything is negative, perhaps you can ditch the rubber raincoat!

As i was once told, the only dumb question is the one that doesn't get asked. Be prepared for an honest answer. In any relationship, if a person is condemned for answering honestly, their answers tend to become what they know someone wishes to hear instead of what they truly mean. i believe that is human nature to avoid conflict.

Good luck on your meet thrall!

[Sir_Russell]

If I may, questions are normally good things and I think most Doms see them that way. They should be asked with respect and their answers should be listened to carefully. A question is normal a chance to train the sub/slave in an area that may have slipped past the Dom.

A question though is listened to by the Dom at a level that make it revealing to him of his possession. Questions and their answers do shape and direct the relationship. Most times they cause the relationship to grow stronger but sometimes they show that the relationship will be troubled. Either way they are good to help the individual decide whether to continue, grow, or find that it is not for them.

[Sir_Russell]

If I may, questions are normally good things and I think most Doms see them that way. They should be asked with respect and their answers should be listened to carefully. A question is normal a chance to train the sub/slave in an area that may have slipped past the Dom.

A question though is listened to by the Dom at a level that make it revealing to him of his possession. Questions and their answers do shape and direct the relationship. Most times they cause the relationship to grow stronger but sometimes they show that the relationship will be troubled. Either way they are good to help the individual decide whether to continue, grow, or find that it is not for them.

[tessa]

It still doesn't have to be safe. He could still have met someone right before he met you. What I've always done is demand condoms until her and I as a couple get tested together. And make it a romantic day out.

Very good point and one I completely missed. Thank you for this.

"Adversity reveals the genius of a general; good fortune conceals it".
Horace, (65 - 8 BC)

Outstanding choice of quotes.

[cookiecat]

<snip> It wasn't hard to ask, cookie. And I got the answer I expected - excuses and avoidance. <snip>

It was sort of rhetorical. You were the only person to ask it directly. And I agree with you, it will probably happen again.

Here are a few examples of my hard questions......

Have you ever been in a scene where things have gone to far or gotten out of control?

Have you ever hit someone in anger?....and if so....what did you do and how was the situation handled afterwards?

Have you ever raped anyone?.......and if you did....were you convicted.....and if you weren't convicted...why not??

Have you ever been convicted of anything?

Do you have anger issues?

Do you have a current STD test??

.......so all standard hard questions....

How do you approach a questions like this.....

would you like to talk about the other girl i'm not supposed to know about.....the one you are sending the exact same emails to as you were sending me?? The girl you seemed to have failed to mention me to either??

i am still dying to ask someone else that question ( not the person im meeting next month)....but just cant bring myself to ask it.

How do you get to that one???...Do you stay silent......or do you ask??

Are the questions we ask our vanilla friends any different from our D/s friends? And by friends, sure - I mean potential dates. I totally understand the different elements of each relationship. The likelihood of me being tied up, left in a more vulnerable spot so to speak wasn't as great in my vanilla dating days...

I guess my expectation - prior to any sexual involvement... or possibly no sex but a particular scene - is that I've takent the time to get to know someone. We've built up some level of trust and through the course of getting to know each other, we've asked the important - and the tough - questions.

Thrall, some of your questions are pretty direct. If someone's been convicted of something - you don't even have to ask - I believe you can find out through public records.

Again, I go back to the process of getting to know each other. Actions speak louder than words and the way he talks to you about his past, the way he treats others when you're out, the way he treats you... all of these are just part of the clues to help make your decision. How often have I overlooked a red flag just because I wanted to keep the relationship intact? I always trust my "gut" instinct now.

And - in the end - always ask. It's an excellent way to start the relationship. If he balks at your questions or dodges your answers - you will have your answer immediately.

[Warbaby1943]

Why would any of those be difficult to ask? And so what if it pisses them off? You have your answer if they do get riled by any of them. And besides, you're only going to get their version of the truth, so the answers will be basically worth less than nothing anyway. There's that.

Except for the STD question. And no one should accept just words for that answer. If you weren't there personally at the appointment to hear that person's results for yourself, request a faxed copy of the results be sent to you directly from the doctor's office (or wherever the testing was done). Then verify that the fax indeed came from the doctor's office (or wherever).

Difficult? Hell, yes. But if there's nothing to hide, it's no big deal. I'd rather have a pissed off bullshitter on my hands than HIV running through my veins.

And an FYI: just remember that condoms, dental dams, et all... won't protect you against all STD's. Educate yourself!

Yes, it's me, tessa. Spreading joy and sunshine all over. Rather this than something else. Unless where talking about legs. Those are good to spread.

So my answer is, ask the questions. Seriously. Being a submissive doesn't mean you leave yourself open to whoever or whatever the hell is out there just because it's uncomfortable to ask. No meeting with anyone is worth that risk.

Very well said. So spread the word this time.

[Tojo]

Lots of interesting discussion lately- I'd have to take notes to understand this thread alone.

A Dom pissing match Jeanne?? Sounds interesting- you'd have to be careful where you place the audience...

Two things I'd like to comment on- To be a high profile member of the community, means placing yourself under scrutiny. Many people are watching whether we like it or not & are free to comment whether we like it or not.

I'd also like to point out that it pays to hear both sides of a story before passing judgement- as Russell correctly points out.

Far far better not to pass judgement at all- you never know what's going on behind the scenes.

Sorry to hear you guys have broken up, minx & Russell.

[tessa]

Very well said. So spread the word this time.

Thanks for the well said.

And HA! Your wit is showing, WB.

~skips off, spreading words~

[Warbaby1943]

Thanks for the well said.

And HA! Your wit is showing, WB.

~skips off, spreading words~

LOL glad it was only my wit this time that was showing and that I finally remembered to zip up.

[DowntownAmber]

It seems everyone agrees that, hard or not, there are some questions that should be asked. The difficult part is not deciding it should be done, but actually sitting in front of the person and making the words come out of your mouth.

Being dyslexic, when I get nervous or upset my words come out ALL mixed up. I have explained this to J, and when I have something difficult or important to say sometimes I have to go write it down. We laugh and say that during deep discussions we should go across the house and IM from separate rooms. Though we laugh, really though, we're only halfway kidding - I am far more articulate with my thoughts in written format, at least to start an awkwark or uncomfortable conversation. So perhapes the question is not whether or not to ask, but what is the most comfortable way to ask these hard questions?

[J-Go]

Thanks Thrall for the thread…great discussion.
Questions come in many different forms with many different intended outcomes. The question “why did you hurt me?” in a moment of emotional stress isn’t really a question at all but a statement “you hurt me!” I have a friend who is an attorney who says he never asks a question he doesn’t know the answer to. I’m pretty sure he asks hard questions, but I think it would be a stretch to say his questions are really about personal discovery, I think they are more about entrapment. I’m not sure a question hard or otherwise should be asked until we are clear about the understanding we are trying to gain for ourselves, “what is it I am trying to understand?”.
“Do you have a current STD test?” is factual question with a “yes” or “no” out come. This type of question is pretty simple to reconcile in your mind as you are looking for a simple outcome. “Why are you such a liar?” is a no win question. I mean really what do you expect other than an emotion filled joust of more emotion backed questions, and unless it’s the confrontation you are after, you will never get what you think is a “straight answer” anyway.
My advice, separate the factual questions from the emotional questions. Get the factual questions out in some form before you meet…seriously why waste the time. As to the questions with an emotional “twinge” to them, think on those a bit. If you let the question pass through the emotional veil we all have, you will find it enter into another place of probably more questions, but questions rooted in understanding rather than emotion. When time to ask these questions set an atmosphere of understanding or at least respect and before you respond to any question give yourself 3 to 5 seconds after a question is asked to let the emotional roll of the question pass and allow the question to get to the place that seeks understanding…Good Luck!

[kuriouspet {GearJammer}]

As Sir said...i cant imagine not being able to ask Him anything, about anything, at anytime. i would so much rather have the answer even if its not one im going to like, or one He is going to like giving me. He as well asks anything of, to and for me.

Without communication all else is already on a path to nowhere.

[nighttimestar]

I agree....

I ask the hard questions up front. But every now and then something comes up that needs to be asked......and its those unexpected questions that always get me into trouble.......

But its through those hard times when ask those unexpected questions....That you grow. Think about the last time you did.

Were you scared did you skirt around the subjuct or question? Where were you looking when you asked the question up down, at him?? What did you feel after the words were out of your mouth? Relief, aniexty? What did you feel when you got a response? was it one you wanted? did you feel the weight lifted off your shoulders? were you able to breathe easier? or were you more confused and frustrated and angery b/c you didn't get the answer you want?