Questions on collars

[annie]

annie - Yes that was wonderful, thank you!

You're welcome!

[MrDom]

hey guys here my 2 cents worth I have a slave but it did not start out that way. It progressed to that stage. I started out as just her Dominate she wore no real collar in any fashion. We slowly progress in thtat direction she wanted a collar so I had her make a simple 1/34 inch wide collar black. simple just a snap to keep it on her neck. I knew what she wanted to be after I made her wear a leather collar after a few months. Medic it all depends onwhat you want the collar too mean. What you and you Dominate wants. I agree with ID . But do not be surprized that eventaullay not that it means it will depending on if you too live together or not. But mainly how you feel medic that at some point you start heading more to being slave than sub even tho you think you are still sub.


cadence to help with your question a little it depends on personallity of the sub. My pet is more of a slave than a sub she needs boundries and she wants many things in her like to be decide by her dominate. Collar sub gives up less than a slave. A sub personallity want to keep more of herself. A collar slave has a more rooted personality of being a slave want needs desires boundries want too be told when to do sometime more restictions tha a sub. But just remember which i do she is still the women i love and protect and even her being my slave her well being in everything comes first to me.




MrDom

[annie]

As to the first question...

i'm still back to the point that it doesn't matter what the person is called in the relationship. It is all just a matter of "titles" and semantics. The collar is how you feel about it, period. If you think yourself slave (or have the personality) then no matter what "description" you use you will still function/crave/desire as a slave even if called a sub and vise versa. To be happy call yourself what ever makes you feel better... as long as the way the relationship is established makes you happy.

The understanding that slaves have no opinions, rights, etc. actually annoys me greatly. Personally, i swear that concept came about by some wannabe Dom's who wanted to abuse and control people but wanted an excuse to make the behavior acceptable. (Which really pisses me off... lol.) i know of maybe 1% of relationships that function that way, where both are happy in that type of relationship. Most Doms, that are true and real, WANT the input and require it for open communication, although it is understood that even with the input the final choice, without question, lies with the Dom.

To the second question, as to personal opinion...

i have been collared twice, both times as a slave. Which many here would argue wasn't possible since we never lived together. But, for us and the control they had over me it was as close to living together as possible. (Back to the "semantics" thing again.) Both times to wonderful Doms and yet both times meant different things and i grew in a different fashion from each. Neither were better or worse then the other... as one of the Dom's would have put it... "it was what it was."

The first time i was new to D/s although we have been together for almost a year before i was actually given his collar. Based on circumstances it was a very simple one and one that i could remove if need be. The reason for giving it was simple... i NEEDED to feel more owned to be happy and the collar provided that. It gave me a constant reminder/connection that i needed to grow further and trust further in the relationship due to past experiences. That relationship lasted about 3 or so years. We parted as friends.

Did the first relationship change after i was collared... the rules didn't change, the expectations didn't change but i did change. It solidified what i was and helped me to accept that better and stop struggling against him/me and allowed me to sink further into my submission and the pleasure i received from it.

The second collar was not something i went seeking it just came about naturally. As i believe all collars should. It did change our relationship... but ONLY because until the collar was in place there were certain limits that were placed on the relationship by the Dom for my protection. Those limits changed once the collar was in place and i was able to start serving him more completely. It again was a wonderful experience and one i truly miss. The level of submission was much deeper starting out then with the first relationship due to several factors... the Dom, my growth since the first collar, the level that we both expected/wanted to experience, etc. i came out of that relationship though as a much more sensuous person, a feeling of greater self worth, and a better understanding of what true submission for me is.

Each time my emotions grew deeper, once collared, because of the "security" factor. i was able to completely give without fear of being tossed aside because i knew that the step meant a lot to both of them as well. If anything, both times, it increased my own perceived self worth because i was no longer a "disposable" toy. And, both wanted my input and reasoning, i by no means lost me by being collared, that would have been determental to me and to the relationship, which both Doms recognized. If anything i found more of me because they allowed me the opportunity to say "no" to others without quilt and they ensured that i had the time for me that i was less likely to take, etc. They required that i maintain healthy boundaries which prevented me from getting as lost in taking care of others.

Did they refer to me as their toy and as property? Yes. Did that bother me? Initially with the first one, yes, but that was due more to my own struggle between what i wanted and what i felt was "acceptable" in society. When i finally accepted it as basically a term of endearment it became a sense of pride. Luckily the second Dom didn't have to deal with that portion... lol.

So... much longer post then i intended but that is how i felt/feel about it. Better ID??? *grinz*

[jeanne]

Wow, I really like this thread. I don't have anything to add, but thank all for sharing your thoughts on this intimate, emotional topic.

I hope to be collared someday - many steps between now and then though...

[ceegee{Benz}]

Since recieving my collar from Master last year...I have become more settled and more content with myself. I know where I belong. For once I know who I am.
as i said before its not just about a sub dom relationship...it is a partnership and relationship as well

[Warbaby1943]

Since recieving my collar from Master last year...I have become more settled and more content with myself. I know where I belong. For once I know who I am.
as i said before its not just about a sub dom relationship...it is a partnership and relationship as well

Basically it all boils down to your last statement which makes it so wonderful. Well stated.

[usafmedic22]

First off...thank you so much annie for posting...your views are very much in line with mine, I just haven't been able to put them into words until now. Thank you soooo much!

The understanding that slaves have no opinions, rights, etc. actually annoys me greatly. Personally, i swear that concept came about by some wannabe Dom's who wanted to abuse and control people but wanted an excuse to make the behavior acceptable. (Which really pisses me off... lol.) i know of maybe 1% of relationships that function that way, where both are happy in that type of relationship. Most Doms, that are true and real, WANT the input and require it for open communication, although it is understood that even with the input the final choice, without question, lies with the Dom.

And just to clarify, my intention was not to annoy/offend anyone by saying that bit about slaves not having rights, etc, just to offer a perception that I've gathered since I began exploring this lifestyle. I agree that in my experience talking with Dom's that they do want the input and open lines of communication, which negates the above statement.

The reason for giving it was simple... i NEEDED to feel more owned to be happy and the collar provided that. It gave me a constant reminder/connection that i needed to grow further and trust further in the relationship due to past experiences.........It solidified what i was and helped me to accept that better and stop struggling against him/me and allowed me to sink further into my submission and the pleasure i received from it.

The second collar was not something i went seeking it just came about naturally. As i believe all collars should. It did change our relationship... but ONLY because until the collar was in place there were certain limits that were placed on the relationship by the Dom for my protection. Those limits changed once the collar was in place and i was able to start serving him more completely. It again was a wonderful experience and one i truly miss. The level of submission was much deeper starting out then with the first relationship due to several factors... the Dom, my growth since the first collar, the level that we both expected/wanted to experience, etc. i came out of that relationship though as a much more sensuous person, a feeling of greater self worth, and a better understanding of what true submission for me is.

Each time my emotions grew deeper, once collared, because of the "security" factor. i was able to completely give without fear of being tossed aside because i knew that the step meant a lot to both of them as well. If anything, both times, it increased my own perceived self worth because i was no longer a "disposable" toy. And, both wanted my input and reasoning, i by no means lost me by being collared, that would have been determental to me and to the relationship, which both Doms recognized. If anything i found more of me because they allowed me the opportunity to say "no" to others without quilt and they ensured that i had the time for me that i was less likely to take, etc. They required that i maintain healthy boundaries which prevented me from getting as lost in taking care of others.

Did they refer to me as their toy and as property? Yes. Did that bother me? Initially with the first one, yes, but that was due more to my own struggle between what i wanted and what i felt was "acceptable" in society. When i finally accepted it as basically a term of endearment it became a sense of pride. Luckily the second Dom didn't have to deal with that portion... lol.

EXACTLY!!! Lemme see if I can stumble through this and explain how I responded to this...
I feel that a collar should be earned...not by performing a certain task or proving submission...but through communication between the Dom and the sub and by the sub's attitude and willingness to submit, and that willingness being obvious. I look forward very much to earning my collar, and the comfort that it will bring knowing that I'm worth it or worthy of it in His eyes. I'm learning to adjust my views on many things, and it's becoming easier for me to dismiss the negative views others may have of me because if my Dom is content with me, and/or proud of me, no one else's opinion matters. Therefore, earning my collar will be a huge source of pride for me, because it's an outward expression of my worth.

annie would you be willing to explain what limitatios you were speaking of when you said that until your collar were in place there were limitations set by your Dom for your protection? I'm trying to wrap my head around this concept, and some examples from you would greately help if you were willing to share them...

It amazes me that you mention the "toy" concept. I have personal experience with that as well. One non bdsm relationship I was in ended abruptly when I began to feel and realize that a toy was all I really was to him. I believe that experience is the reason being referred to as a toy will always raise the hairs on the back of my neck and invoke a negative feeling with me. But, never say never, as I refuse to let past experiences influence a new relationship, as the new person wasn't the one that made me feel that way, and shouldn't be "punished" so to speak, for something he didn't do.

As far as property goes....well....the feelings I associate with that are very difficult for me to pin down to put into words. For some reason I associate being referred to as property to lessening my worth as a submissive. Why? Well, to me it makes me feel less special. He makes me feel very special, and referring to me as property somehow diminishes that. Property/Toys to me are mass produced, replaceable, etc. I don't feel that I'm that way...kinda goes back to wanting that feeling of being one of a kind, and special to him because I'm one of a kind...But please don't think I'm criticizing anyone else for enjoying/liking being referred to that way, as I'm definitely one of the "to each their own" school of thought people. What makes the individual couple happy is all that truly matters, I'm just putting my thoughts into words.

Anyway, I'm going to shut up now, I think I've definitely exceeded my "thoughts for the day" allowance. LOL...

[annie]

annie would you be willing to explain what limitatios you were speaking of when you said that until your collar were in place there were limitations set by your Dom for your protection? I'm trying to wrap my head around this concept, and some examples from you would greately help if you were willing to share them...

i won't list the exact "limitations" that were in place. i will say that perhaps "limitations" is not the right word. More like His own personal rules that were used to help protect me from my own emotions. He understands how deeply emotions (at least for me) are tied to submission and so the rules were in place to ensure that the emotions were properly respected and yet not taken advantage of by either of us. (If that makes any sense.) i knew about some of the rules and some of them i didn't realize until later.

Think i need to clarify that we both agree that the emotions are good, needed, etc. for determining a relationship but there is also a point where they can become determental, especially when a sub (me) is starting to function in that mode again after an extended time away from it. The object was to ensure that the emotions weren't in control but were enhancing, facilitating the experience, and used to determine the direction of the relationship. Weather that was to move towards accepting His collar or to terminating the relationship completely to anything in between and yet i would still be left as strong as i was (if not stronger) before starting the exploration...

Ok... i don't think that makes ANY sense. i'm sorry, it's late and i don't know how else to explain it... lol. Good luck!

[wingsofanangel]

-ho hums to herself beig very confused about some statments-

So were we supposed to state our personal feelings or not?

And if our personal feelings are inline with "politically correct" views, are we to not voice them?

I would never say something that I don't truely feel... while one can point out the general view of something, they can also point out the personal view of something... and I think both of those being voiced in this topic are important.

Perhaps Medic wasn't asking for a particular one... but nonetheless having a well rounded knowledge on the subject is better than blindly choosing a view. Also, others will read this that too have similiar questions... and why not cover all the bases?

or...

did I just missunderstand?

---Anya

[_ID_]

did I just missunderstand?

---Anya

Whatever your view is, that is fine. What medic was looking for was personal accounts. Personal thoughts on it. If your view is generalized, then fine, but I doubt that it is. If it matches the politically correct view fine. Just be specific, cause generalizing the answer doesn't answer anything.

[Ocean_Soul]

What is the politically correct view on collars anyway? Wearing a collar isn't politically correct in the first place.

And what would be an example of a commonly held non-politically correct view on a collar? "A collar is license to beat my wife to within inches of her life on a daily bases"?

[_ID_]

Perhaps just ignore my post if you don't like it. Would prevent hijacking the thread from medic and others trying to learn. My point is. Post what you think, not what you think is non-offensive (politically correct). Yes there is a political correctness even in communities like this.

[Ocean_Soul]

Perhaps just ignore my post if you don't like it.

Didn't like your post? It was just a question.

New Thread on this: http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...d.php?p=300680

And yes, I'm sure there are things that are considered politically incorrect in this lifestyle. But what are politically incorrect views on collars?

[~hellish one~]

What is the difference between a collared submissive and a slave?

What changes when a submissive is collared by his/her Dom(me)?

i've been keeping an eye on this thread and i just want to take a second to thank everyone who has replied with their own personal advice, opinions and knowledge in an effort to help answer medic's questions.

politically correct or not, i believe everyone is doing their best to help. we don't want to discourage people from posting and offering up their opinions here out of fear of being criticized. i'm not saying everyone has to agree all the time. if everyone had the same views on everything then the world would just flat out suck. i just think we need to be a lil more courteous to those who are taking time to try and help. that's all.

[Flaming_Redhead]

*sigh* I wasn't trying to be politically correct, either. I was trying to answer the questions as I perceived them. People aren't always comfortable sharing their personal views as it leaves them open to criticism. That being said, I will now share my personal feelings which I am reluctant to do because things are still being worked out and because I tend to ramble incoherently when discussing feelings and such. Anyway, my collar is beautiful! I don't feel like less of a person for wearing it. In fact, the exact opposite is true. I don't really care what he calls me as his endearments range from his redheaded treasure to his wet little fuckdoll. LOL The collar reminds me that he values me very much and wants me for keeps. By that, I mean a long time. No one knows the future. *smiles* You get the idea, though. I feel special because I am the only one privileged to wear his collar when he could have a different sub to play with every day of the week. I am not A slut. I am HIS slut. I am not A toy. I am HIS toy. I am not one of many toys or simply his favorite toy. I am his ONLY toy. I am not disposable. I am wanted...needed. I have always regarded collars with some trepidation. OK, the thought of being collared would put me into a state of panic. *ggls* I had the same preconceived notions that I would lose a vital part of myself...the essence of ME! I didn't want to lose the freedom I had only just recently obtained. I didn't want to again be smothered...crushed...the light inside to go out. I realized that my fears were based on past experiences in bad relationships. A wise man told me to look to the future, not the past. A wise friend told me to go for it...that this was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before and would change my life in ways I couldn't even begin to imagine. I know that I'm happier than I've been in a long time. He truly wants what's best for me. He is helping me become my own best friend. I gladly allow him to use all my fuckholes, spit on me, call me names, tie me up, whip me, cum on my face, etc., some of which I have never allowed anyone else to do. Why? I do it because he has proven himself worthy of my trust and respect, because I love him and want to please him, because he works very hard to please me and because he loves me. *blushes* I'm gonna go now....

[_ID_]

very well said red. thank you for being candid. I might also add, the man is lucky to have you. you do Him proud, and I am glad you have found happiness.

[usafmedic22]

*bear hugs red* and just when were you planning on telling me???!!!! :P congrats to you both girlie, you definitely deserve it, and i'm sure i'd say the same if i'd have met him. hopefully one day we have the chance to meet in person and chat....
thanks a bunch guys....i'm very happy to have the opportunity to read so many personal feelings/thoughts on this...i realize that it's a somewhat touchy and very intimate subject...

[Warbaby1943]

Very happy for you red and it really sounds like you found the right one for you. Stay happy.

[cariad]

Hmmmm - me thinks so too ceegee.

cariad

[ceegee{Benz}]

Hmmmm - me thinks so too ceegee.

cariad

smiles

[Eponine]

That is so neat! I loved reading your big blurb about your "significant other" lol... I can so relate to everything you said there (except I always knew I would wear a collar from the right One).

Cariad,
Great point about both being committed!

Medic...
so how are you faring so far with all this input you've gotten?

(...and to ID and Medic and everyone... was there a thread I missed about the two of you?.. I mean, that's so awesome... )

[usafmedic22]

mari-
I'm enjoying this greatly actually. Getting the different perspectives is more helpful than I could have imagined. I'm also reading Different Loving, on Sir's advice, and it's been enlightening so far as well. Initially I thought that SM 101 was the best out there...but now I'm understanding that SM 101 is an awesome book, but doesn't go into the dynamics of the relationship and the different emotions that both go through throughout the relationship like Different Loving does. Neither is better than the other, they're just different. lol....no pun intended...but i'll leave it alone...
And as far as a thread regarding the two of us...no there hasn't been a thread...lol, we haven't even established what we define ourselves to be to each other, much less announced it....neither of us is much into opening up much of our personal lives to public view...nothing against anyone, we're just a little more on the private side, partially because of our profession. So to answer your question, nope, you haven't missed anything regarding us.
Thank you all for the input...please please continue!!!!
medic

[KoTe]

For me collaring is something like a BDSM wedding. Yesterday my owner gave me a collar with the words "Will you marry me"... So we got engaged And now I have a beautiful red collar, and it is very comfortable! I`m happy

[Sir_Russell]

Just my $5.50 worth. I am training morgan to be my slave, this doesn't mean (at least to me) that she has nothing else in her life.

She is a strong willed, intelligent and competent lady. We have contracted her slavery requirements and more importantly those areas that I have little or no say in. This may sound strange to some but what right do I have to control her profession life or her family life.

I often ask for her opinion and value her answers, she is free to question or suggest to me anything if she does it in an appropriate manner.

Once again a good Master is after his slave being the best she can be in all aspects of her life.

The fantasy that anyone can totally control another person at all times means that controlling person has little time for their own life.

I agree with the set of collars since it shows that both have made a large comitment to the other.

[Tasker]

As others have stated in this thread, a collar is a symbol as is a wedding ring. The meaning and power behind it is dependant on the couple involved.
Having said that. childbride finds she feels a sense of security, contentment and reasurance in wearing hers. she will often touch the silver chain that is her permanent collar in times of stress or when I am not with her and find comfort in it.
Her house collar is fur lined leather and wearing it (when she can. we have kids) intensifies the feelings she gets from her permanent collar.

Hmm I realy aught to point her to this thread she caould most likely bescribe her feelings better than my stumblings.

childbride is a slave. Perhaps our outlook differs to many, but we came from a long marriage before we started exploring the lifestyle and Mutualy decided what we wanted out of it. she craves the control, desires to serve, yet still has a voice, spirit, opinions, and offers advice. She was my wife a long time before she became my slave and that partnership is still in existance and always will be. We are also monogomous by choice. that little line in the marriage vows "cleave unto no other" is a cornerstone to our partnership and a solid belief
Yes I can dictate what she will wear, eat, and do, but that is what we both wanted at the outset and works for us.

At the end of the day it is what works for the people involved. everyone has a different set of desires and ideals. So long as the relationship is happy it is a case of live it love it

Paul

[isabeau6]

i have been told that it takes time to become collared..that it takes time to find the right one for you..and that also it takes time to get to know each other..i have been accused of wanting just any collar i can get..and also that i'm impatient...impatient yes that is a flaw of mine, but grabbing any collar just for the sake of wearing one, no that's not true..i did that two years ago, when i didn't know any better...the fact is if my ex hadn't hurt me so badly, i would still be wearing his collar now.. that being said...i got to know Rabbit1 over the weekend..all day saturday and all day sunday..we talked for ever it seems and got to know everything about each other..and realized we are perfect for each other...so although it's best probably to get to know each other over time, well we did that all this last weekend..i am proud to be his submissive..in the process though, i've upset someone that i was having a playful sort of relationship with..and i'm sorry about that..he knows who he is..he doesn't post much..hardly any at all..but i never wore his collar..

i trust Rabbit1, and i feel that we shall grow in our relationship as time goes on..i know it happened fairly quickly, but he has been in this lifestyle for 25 years and i believe he knows what is what..so i will be guided by him..

[tessa]

Sincere congratulations to you and Rabbit, isabeau.

[Rabbit1]

Sincere congratulations to you and Rabbit, isabeau.

thanks tessa

[isabeau6]

Sincere congratulations to you and Rabbit, isabeau.

thank you tessa....

[usafmedic22]

i have been told that it takes time to become collared..that it takes time to find the right one for you..and that also it takes time to get to know each other..i have been accused of wanting just any collar i can get..and also that i'm impatient...impatient yes that is a flaw of mine, but grabbing any collar just for the sake of wearing one, no that's not true..i did that two years ago, when i didn't know any better...the fact is if my ex hadn't hurt me so badly, i would still be wearing his collar now.. that being said...i got to know Rabbit1 over the weekend..all day saturday and all day sunday..we talked for ever it seems and got to know everything about each other..and realized we are perfect for each other...so although it's best probably to get to know each other over time, well we did that all this last weekend..i am proud to be his submissive..in the process though, i've upset someone that i was having a playful sort of relationship with..and i'm sorry about that..he knows who he is..he doesn't post much..hardly any at all..but i never wore his collar..

i trust Rabbit1, and i feel that we shall grow in our relationship as time goes on..i know it happened fairly quickly, but he has been in this lifestyle for 25 years and i believe he knows what is what..so i will be guided by him..

isabeau, we are in somewhat similar situations....Sir decided very recently that he wanted to collar me, and I of course accepted. For now it's a collar of consideration (yes, it's kinda an old guard thing), which will change to a permanent collar once we're able to be together permanently. Neither of us wishes to rush things, and we both understand that the physical distance between us is going to make things exceedingly difficult at times.
But anyway, what I wanted to tell you before I went off on the tangent was that I have upset people too lately. I've been what I would consider lightly involved with a few other Doms since meeting my Sir. All of that ended with my collar. And more than one is quite upset with me because of it. My intention was never to lead them on or anything of the sort, but I am now officially off the market so to speak, and they're not happy about it, or so it seems. You, like me, know what you feel is best for you, and that is to entrust yourself to another.
I'm like you, I can see how people may be judgemental and say "it's too soon" or whatever else, but don't sweat it. I'm not. I know how I feel, and I know where I want to be...in His arms and under His guidance.
So congratulations to both of you, and best wishes for a happy, successful future.
Hugs,
medic

Also, thank you to everyone again that has posted regarding my questions about collars. My long conversations with my Sir and the help I received here are what gave me the confidence to accept His collar as the right decision for both of us. So thanks again....