victims of abuse support for submissives

[Alex Bragi]

Please be aware that this group is not affiliated with BDSMlibrary.

As is always the case, on line, please be careful about personal details and information you chose to reveal, and please always respect other people's confidentiality.

[butterflySlave4u]

sooooooo.....whens the next chat meeting??

[Trina]

Hi Mastersgem, I have been seeing a therapist for sometime now but I do think the cycle continues and is very hard to break. The ramifications for me are definitly low self-image, esteem and worth. I laughed when my therapist asked me to bring my father for a group session. I am one of five siblings all of whom have been stilited as adults; it doesn't take a genius to figure something must have gone wrong with the way we were raised. My father was an expert on mental and never physical.
I do think the mental abuse is harder for me... physically the bruises go away and you forget; it's what has been said that doesn't go away.

Thanks for your comments and I've been working toward getting whole.

[crazy_grrluk]

I do think the mental abuse is harder for me... physically the bruises go away and you forget; it's what has been said that doesn't go away.

mental abuse is the worst. it never leaves you... un like the physical abuse like where u say the bruises and other stuff will disappear. mental abuse stays with you for life. one learns to live with it... and then something will trigger the memories off.. it could be an action or the way something was said.. then you regress back into your own little world.

[gemmy]

Hi Mastersgem, I have been seeing a therapist for sometime now but I do think the cycle continues and is very hard to break. The ramifications for me are definitly low self-image, esteem and worth. I laughed when my therapist asked me to bring my father for a group session. I am one of five siblings all of whom have been stilited as adults; it doesn't take a genius to figure something must have gone wrong with the way we were raised. My father was an expert on mental and never physical.
I do think the mental abuse is harder for me... physically the bruises go away and you forget; it's what has been said that doesn't go away.

Thanks for your comments and I've been working toward getting whole.

"See? You're an intelligent girl, you can see the problems plaguing you, do you really think you need help?"

The one time I did seek help, that is what I was asked by the 'professional' psychiatrist.

I, (then (25), just lost my baby son and had been beaten by his father blaming me of the loss), said "Yes, I do"

He never took me seriously so thus, I took a maybe longer road of trying to work it out on my own - truly nothing really 'set' in me of my worth until having my daughter

I've learned over much time, that some things (and the professionals will all tell you), just need to be hard felt and learned to get.

Breaking 'The Chain' is a lot of work but so highly worth it.

I currently 'shelter' a young friend (day or night on Any notice) should she need a safe place to be and have had to - that's all part of it too

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by crazy_grrluk:
mental abuse stays with you for life. one learns to live with it... and then something will trigger the memories off.. it could be an action or the way something was said.. then you regress back into your own little world

I agree with you that it never leaves. It really just goes to sleep and can come back with the right trigger. How bad that flashback is depends on how well you dealt with it in the past. If you don't deal with it, it will deal with you.

One other thing. I think one thing that makes mental worse than physical abuse, is that even we who have gone through it tend to minimize it. Even we tend to think someone getting beat up is worse, and we should just be thankful we didn't experience that.

When it is pushed down and made out to be not such a big deal we can set ourselves up for a big fall.

[stripedangel]

yeah, it never goes away, no matter how you try and shake it out of your head. i really did begin to believe the things that were said to me...and we do tend to try and ignore the fact that it is really abuse. Those of us who go through it always think that the physical abuse is much worse, but i know that my ex husband's physical abuse is much less of a stinging memory than my ex boyfriend's emotional abuse. the emotional is still with me. the physical can be placed in the past, for the most part. i remember every scathing word, and it rolls through my mind all on it's own. i have no control over my thoughts in this respect, it just creeps in and snatches me and i go down into myself and feel very afraid to come out, barely able to hear Master when he pays me a complement...and for the longest time i simply didn't believe it. Not that i thought he was lying, but like he had a good imagination. i remember one time when he told me that i was pretty, i said, "Are you trying to convince me, or yourself?"

Sorry to go off like that...


it hurts for years and it hurts my Master to see me go through it and to go through it with me.

xxx

[Trina]

Quote, Stripedangel: "i remember every scathing word, and it rolls through my mind all on it's own. i have no control over my thoughts in this respect, it just creeps in and snatches me."

Yes, my ex of seven years... I can just hear him telling me I wasn't good enough for him even though he loved me. Do they take some kind of training to be cruel?

[gemmy]

Yes, my ex of seven years... I can just hear him telling me I wasn't good enough for him even though he loved me. Do they take some kind of training to be cruel?

No, they see the 'victim' stamp

remove it *s*

There is 'healthy' and unhealthy submission, for me, I truly was a victim; ashamed completely of this 'thing' i felt. People will use it as long as you 'let' them.

Embracing your submission will help you find 'healthy' submission; ignoring it only helps you dig a very bad deep ditch of attracting bad people who only choose to use it against you.

[Kuskovian]

As a dominate with a survivor of abuse in my care, I have found some ways work better than others, especially conserning BDS&M type activities.

I strongly reccomend you consult a professional therapist/nurse, and or Doctor for help.

I have found in helping Seri overcome/deal with some of her triggers that patience and understanding are "key".
First and foremost: I allways let her bring to the table any issue she wishs to have help with, as well as aide in planning the best theraputic solution senerio. This is nessesary for several reasons, she cannot be expected to have success unless she feels "ready" to deal with a paticular thing. In addition to which, letting her choose, helps reestablish self confidence and esteem allowing her to be in "control" of herself.

Sometimes the best thing is to just listen and not try to "fix" anything (which goes against my nature)and is often the hardest part of this for dominates.

Just being there to hold her when she needs it is one of the things she says have helped her the most.
She has often told me that her triggers haven't diminished; so much as the way she chooses to respond to them has changed over time.

I strongly recommend a "light" hand with any survivor when it comes to limit testing and "tasks" designed to help in dealing with a given trigger, as these emotive responses they experience are very very "real" for them.

For instance: as Seri has previously stated in this thread, it took six months of effort before she could leave the house by herself for a walk around the block in our neighborhood. A walk she took knowing I would be watching her from a distance, but a walk she had to physically take by herself. Baby steps, as well as, slow and steady support were the critical factors.

How you react to your submissive's needs is of paramont importance.

One of the worst things a dominate could do is take offence, find fault, critisize or punish in anyway thier submissive when she has bualked or didn't successfully complete an assigned task conserning her "triggers" or any other abuse related issue that is being dealt with.

Remember it took great courage for her to even bring the idea of "helping' her in the first place, respect that fact, don't demean her just when you are trying to help her. It was a success regardless of outcome, just for her to even try.

Be prepared for her to become very unsettled in her demeanor, especially when in the proccess of coping with certian things. She may lash out at you in an inapropriate manner, not because she wants too, so much as has too.

Physical, mental, spiritual, all aspects of one's being are affected by abuse. It doesn't matter what kind of abuse one has endured.

If anyone needs help conserning these matters feel free to contact us.

[gemmy]

As a dominate with a survivor of abuse in my care, I have found some ways work better than others, especially conserning BDS&M type activities.

I strongly reccomend you consult a professional therapist/nurse, and or Doctor for help.

I have found in helping Seri overcome/deal with some of her triggers that patience and understanding are "key".
First and foremost: I allways let her bring to the table any issue she wishs to have help with, as well as aide in planning the best theraputic solution senerio. This is nessesary for several reasons, she cannot be expected to have success unless she feels "ready" to deal with a paticular thing. In addition to which, letting her choose, helps reestablish self confidence and esteem allowing her to be in "control" of herself.

Sometimes the best thing is to just listen and not try to "fix" anything (which goes against my nature)and is often the hardest part of this for dominates.

Just being there to hold her when she needs it is one of the things she says have helped her the most.
She has often told me that her triggers haven't diminished; so much as the way she chooses to respond to them has changed over time.

I strongly recommend a "light" hand with any survivor when it comes to limit testing and "tasks" designed to help in dealing with a given trigger, as these emotive responses they experience are very very "real" for them.

For instance: as Seri has previously stated in this thread, it took six months of effort before she could leave the house by herself for a walk around the block in our neighborhood. A walk she took knowing I would be watching her from a distance, but a walk she had to physically take by herself. Baby steps, as well as, slow and steady support were the critical factors.

How you react to your submissive's needs is of paramont importance.

One of the worst things a dominate could do is take offence, find fault, critisize or punish in anyway thier submissive when she has bualked or didn't successfully complete an assigned task conserning her "triggers" or any other abuse related issue that is being dealt with.

Remember it took great courage for her to even bring the idea of "helping' her in the first place, respect that fact, don't demean her just when you are trying to help her. It was a success regardless of outcome, just for her to even try.

Be prepared for her to become very unsettled in her demeanor, especially when in the proccess of coping with certian things. She may lash out at you in an inapropriate manner, not because she wants too, so much as has too.

Physical, mental, spiritual, all aspects of one's being are affected by abuse. It doesn't matter what kind of abuse one has endured.

If anyone needs help conserning these matters feel free to contact us.

really, that is amazing, thank you so much for posting it

[Mr.FixIt]

Sometimes the best thing is to just listen and not try to "fix" anything (which goes against my nature)and is often the hardest part of this for dominates.

I concur entirely!

I strongly recommend a "light" hand with any survivor when it comes to limit testing and "tasks" designed to help in dealing with a given trigger, as these emotive responses they experience are very very "real" for them.

My slave, stripey, has suffered both physical and verbal/mental abuse (I would not discuss this, except that she has already shared this much here with all of you and I commend her for that). However, we ENJOY a "heavy" hand in play and in discipline. But, for her, her past mental abuse has been the prevalent matter. It has taken years to get her to realize how beautiful, wonderful, caring, loving and intelligent she is. I could never utilize humiliation techniques with her. For her, such BDSM tactics would be demonstrative and demolishing of what I have tried to help her recognize.

Please understand that I am not trying to compare physical abuse vs. verbal/mental abuse vs. sexual abuse. I myself used to be a victim of both verbal/mental and sexual abuse. I have no personal experience with physical abuse other than what I know of stripey's past--secondhand; therefore, I do not feel that I would be qualified to make such a comparison, nor do I see the need for such a comparison. But, for stripey, I do know that the verbal/mental abuse has been the lingering issue.

How you react to your submissive's needs is of paramont importance.

ABSOLUTELY.

[stripedangel]

no, trina, something tells me that they are just naturals....and i often wonder if they're not victims themselves.

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by stripedangel:
and i often wonder if they're not victims themselves

That is often true, or they are extremely insecure and try to cover it up at another's expense.

Still, an abused person MUST remember, this does not excuse an abusers behavior. It is still reprehensible and should be condemned. There is a danger in making allowances for any abusive behavior, we will often turn the blame back on ourselves. It is not our fault, and never was. Anything you do or say is not worthy of a lifetime of beatings or emotional assault.

Look how many people there are in this world who were abused and did not become abusive themselves. There is no excuse.

Originally posted by Kuskovian:
patience and understanding are "key"

There is so much here that I wish I said but didn't know how to put it into words. Thanks for saying it.

What you said about therapy is also important.

If anyone reading this has been abused and needs help and has had a hard time finding a therapist to take your lifestyle seriously go online and google "bdsm friendly therapist" you will get a listing of therapists sympathetic to kink. Or try this link: http://www.polychromatic.com/pfp/psych.html

[stripedangel]

thanks for that, wow, i wish i lived in Austin!!

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by Trina:
i remember every scathing word, and it rolls through my mind all on it's own. i have no control over my thoughts in this respect, it just creeps in and snatches me.

As you go on you will be able to deal with it better. Time doesn't heal all, but it will give you space to do it. Everyday that goes buy is one more day you survive what happened to you.

It took me years to come to terms with what happened to me, but I did. Talking about it with folks who understand will help alot.

Just remember don't blame yourself. It's not your fault you were abused.

Originally posted by stripedangel:
i wish i lived in Austin

huh???

[stripedangel]

LOL i looked at your list, Austin and Houston are the locations that have those therapists, sorry...did't mean to derail the thread...

[stripedangel]

Just a note:

i was once asked the following question...

"Do you want to be a professional victim?"

Just think about it for a while.......it did something for me, i think, but i know it pops into my mind when i'm feeling a bit self-critical...

xxx

[denuseri]

That was a very brave thing to do Mr Fix It, and proves that there are allways exceptions to the rule when it comes to stereotyping the abused and what forms abuses take.

We are here for you just as much as for anyone else.

It is not what happened to "us" that defines "us", it is how we meet each dawn despite it that matters most.





and in response to your response above this post very full of courage i would like to say i think what my owner is speaking of as "light" being while we are working on something that is tramatically difficult for me, one of my responses to a "trigger" like my episode with agoraphobia,

in areas where "things have been worked out we have and also do enjoy "rough" play as it were, sometimes even what others consider "hard ball" there is even some broken pvc pipe in the back yard to prove it

winks but hey we are goreans after all lol

[stripedangel]

Oh, Master, i love you so very much! Hugs! i am so proud of you for opening up. You did well, Sir.

Precious Master!

i know what it took for you to say these things, and i know you are a true survivor. You have honored me since the day we met, Sir, and it has grown immensely...along with our trust and love-and our marriage. What a blessing you have been to me and the kiddo. i am in awe of your strength and resolve. i see you growing in your Domhood (is that a word? is now!), maturing every day.

You are so beautiful, Master!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Rowen]

Mr. Fixit, my respect for sharing, will send you a PM..Stripey, will PM you too...but really want to express my admiration to the both of you in public.....your caring and love for eachother is awesome - you have been through the "for worse" part and I do wish you both the "for better" parts!!

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by Mr. FixIt:
It has taken years to get her to realize how beautiful, wonderful, caring, loving and intelligent she is. I could never utilize humiliation techniques with her. For her, such BDSM tactics would be demonstrative and demolishing of what I have tried to help her recognize.

Everyone has limits and those need to be respected. Some of us have more limits, some have different ones than others. It takes a good, person to see where things should not go. I have heard of some Dom/mes who treat hard limits as challenges, or personal mountains to conquer. You are right, it would be bad to push in that direction. stripey is one lucky woman to have you FixIt.

I can't say too much about you and your dad, it hits way too close to home for me. Unfortunately, it's still an open wound. Still, thanks for sharing.

[stripedangel]

Everyone has limits and those need to be respected. Some of us have more limits, some have different ones than others. It takes a good, person to see where things should not go. I have heard of some Dom/mes who treat hard limits as challenges, or personal mountains to conquer. You are right, it would be bad to push in that direction. stripey is one lucky woman to have you FixIt.

I can't say too much about you and your dad, it hits way too close to home for me. Unfortunately, it's still an open wound. Still, thanks for sharing.

aww ashton, how sweet of you to say, and i am very blessed. Master has made that choice all on his own, i did not post it as a hard limit. That is his hard limit...but one that i will not argue, as i do believe it would undo some of the work that Master has done.

Master's father has abused all of us, in various ways, who have been involved with him. He looks upon everyone with contempt and pity, like he feels that he has not prayed for them enough, no matter what they do. Nothing is good enough. i am a jezebelle. My son is a poor pitiful product of heathens. Master is never to be believed...Good ole dad has, time after time, questioned the validity of Master's claim that he ran a faster mile than his father. i was standing there when Master ran that race and i saw the time and told the man and he still sat there with that shitty little grin on his face, shaking his head at the two of us, with disbelief and contempt in his eyes. i could tell he was not accepting this very minute occurrance.

It's not like Master said , "i'm a better dad than you."
................................which is also very accurate.

The man even stated that a congregation member needed to be punished for her outspokenness.

Makes me even more proud of what i've seen Master grow into......

[stripedangel]

That reminds me of a toast i once heard

May the best of your past be the worst of your future! Cheers!

i love saying it!

[newslave]

As I read through pages and pages of stories and support, I wonder why this happens...why we have to support one another. What makes people like this...people who do nothing but hurt other people, try to destroy them...

I begin to think - what can change this? What can we do to prevent other women and men from going through the things that we have and struggling to survive and be healthy? Where is the fault in the cultures, in the world? Perhaps this belongs in another thread, but my survival has revolved around taking control in other avenues of my life and trying to change what's around me.

What can change this? Is there even a way?

Love to all who are here, and thank you all for sharing...

[Mr.FixIt]

As I read through pages and pages of stories and support, I wonder why this happens...why we have to support one another. What makes people like this...people who do nothing but hurt other people, try to destroy them...

I begin to think - what can change this? What can we do to prevent other women and men from going through the things that we have and struggling to survive and be healthy? Where is the fault in the cultures, in the world? Perhaps this belongs in another thread, but my survival has revolved around taking control in other avenues of my life and trying to change what's around me.

What can change this? Is there even a way?

Love to all who are here, and thank you all for sharing...

Dog shit smells like dog shit.

If you accept that most people are dogshit and stop expecting more than that of them, you will be pleasantly surprised when dog shit smells slightly like roses--and dog shit. Is that too synical? I don't think so.

[newslave]

Dog shit smells like dog shit.

If you accept that most people are dogshit and stop expecting more than that of them, you will be pleasantly surprised when dog shit smells slightly like roses--and dog shit. Is that too synical? I don't think so.

Interesting theory....though I must admit I haven't quite reached that amount of cynicism in my life, despite the people I've met. It is the Midwest in me, perhaps, but I like to think that people are capable of all kinds of wonderful things. Including....making things like this change....

[stripedangel]

By standing together, we are powerful. We were all alone in our own nightmares but now we're not alone.

The abusers will keep on keepin on, but we are there to make sure that at least some don't leave behind a victim...because since there are so many abusers out there, we all need to be able to inspire and show others that they can survive and help give them the will to make it. They need someone to show them how to be a survivor and they need to be able to cry to someone or a group of someones. See, we carry a torch that must be passed on.

You never know what impression you will have on another's life. i would rather look at it realistically, aware of the fact that this sort of thing will happen no matter how i wish it not to. Therefore, i must open up and bleed some. OK, i can do that if i can take Master's stripes. i hope i leave a helpful impression on anyone that i encounter, always.

xxx

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by stripedangel:
He looks upon everyone with contempt and pity, like he feels that he has not prayed for them enough, no matter what they do. Nothing is good enough

He sounds like an extremely insecure person. It's sad in a way. but if he was less obnoxious his family might want to help him. As it is his actions keep everyone at arms length, which he may be doing on purpose (and maybe unconsciously) to somehow protect himself from whatever it is he is afraid of.

Originally posted by newslave:
I begin to think - what can change this? What can we do to prevent other women and men from going through the things that we have and struggling to survive and be healthy? Where is the fault in the cultures, in the world? Perhaps this belongs in another thread, but my survival has revolved around taking control in other avenues of my life and trying to change what's around me.

What can change this? Is there even a way?

One of us alone can do little. Together we become stronger. We cannot change the world ourselves and probably will not see resolution in our lifetime, but that does not mean that we can abandon the cause.

Some of us here take time out of our day to let folks who are hurting know that they do not have to continue being a victim. Sometimes it seems strange to find, on a website devoted to an alternative lifestyle that this thread is here. On the other hand, all of us here are just ordinary people, and some of us have been abused. We are trying to take control in a little part of this big world where we have some influence and use that for good.

I think we are trying to do it the only way we know how, one person at a time.

[Mr.FixIt]

He sounds like an extremely insecure person. It's sad in a way. but if he was less obnoxious his family might want to help him. As it is his actions keep everyone at arms length, which he may be doing on purpose (and maybe unconsciously) to somehow protect himself from whatever it is he is afraid of.

You are correct ashton. Within the last couple of years, I discovered, from my mother that, as a child my father was raped by an older boy in Brazil. This discovery confirmed for me what I already suspected--We all have some skeleton in our collective closets. and none of us is alone!