A is for Aftercare

[maddie]

BDSM play can be emotionally and physically exhausting. The adrenaline and endorphins released create a powerful experience. It's essential to be careful throughout play, but it's just as important to tend to each other after play is ended.

Aftercare, as defined by our very own Aesop:

Aftercare: The time after a BDSM scene or play session in which the participants calm down, discuss the previous events and their personal reactions to them, and slowly come back in touch with reality. BDSM often involves an endorphin high and very intense experience, and failure to engage in proper aftercare can lead to subdrop as these return to more everyday levels.

(Subdrop, as defined by Wikipedia: A physical condition, often with cold- or flu-like symptoms, experienced by a submissive after an intense session of BDSM play. This can last for as long as a week, and is best prevented by aftercare immediately after the session.)

Following play, subs require special attention to deal with these emotional and physical effects. Doms also need to be careful to return to their normal state of mind, too. Because BDSM involves a power exchange and some very strong emotions, both parties need to be take the time to wind down.

Emotionally: Proper aftercare allows the sub to return to their normal state of mind. Verbal reassurances and cuddling are a good start.

Physically: Tend to any marks or wounds that may have occurred. After extended play, nourishment and water are very important.

Wikipedia offers aftercare as an acronym, describing the various aspects of aftercare:

A is for Attentiveness: Attend to the needs of a sub, both physically and mentally. Try to figure out in advance what you'll need, so it's readily available.

F is for Fortify: Fortify the body's needs. Keep hydrated. Make sure to take into consideration any medical conditions. Take time to clean up and rest after play.

T is for Transition: BDSM involves a power exchange. It's important to learn how to refocus after play, shifting mental gears back to "normal". Proper aftercare allows a sub to feel safe and secure.

E is for Express: Express appreciation for a sub (or a Dom) and the effort that went into play. Talk about the connections you've made, the way you care about each other because of them.

R is for Recovery: Take the time to fully recover from a scene, be it emotionally or physically. Depending on the intensity of play, this can take some time.

C is for Communicate: Communication is the most essential aspect of BDSM. Being supportive, listening to each other after play helps each person return to a normal state of mind.

A is for Analyze: Assess any immediate needs, both physical and emotional. Don't dive into a massive analysis of the scene right away, but look at what worked, what didn't, and the effects of the scene.

R is for Reflect: Was the scene successful? Did both parties enjoy it? Is it worth repeating? Would different equipment or precautions be necessary for similar play in the future?

E is for Explore: What worked? What didn't? Where would you like to go with this in the future?


Aftercare isn't just a quick cuddle and a peck on the cheek or pat on the head. It's not just a couple minutes of cuddling. It requires thought, on the part of all involved, and shouldn't be rushed.


Very useful site: http://www.albanypowerexchange.com/B.../aftercare.htm

[Tojo]

If I may add something, it's possible to experience subdrop days after a session. Both parties have a responsiblity that is ongoing IMO.


Tojo

[MsUther]

Such good work you have done on this , maddie. I look forward to follow this in the future. Thank you

[Silke]

Very cool research, maddie. Hell, it's an important subject...

Thank you for sharing!

[RickBulow74]

Very good topic, maddie. If I am not mistaken, and correct me if I am in error, aftercare is not just for just a few hours or even one day, but rather a long time until the next scene.

[maddie]

Yes, subdrop can last for several hours or can appear days later.

I'd love to hear from some of you about how you do aftercare. Even better, from those of you who have experienced subdrop, and how it feels.

[Aesop]

Well first of all I borrowed that definition so it's not exactly mine.

I don't think I can define how I do aftercare because it's never the same. Mostly it's just being there for your submissive in whatever way they need right now. That may mean holding them while they cry or it may mean talking for a time afterwords or....really it just depends on what was involved and how the submissive took it.

I will say that aftercare is harder online than in person. Submissives are a stubborn group all in all (no offense meant) and many don't want to burden a dom with their pain. In r/l that's easy to spot and can be handled. In an online environment it's a lot harder so as a dom I constantly ask questions after a scene. I've been fooled a couple of times into thinking everything was fine only to find out later that it wasn't.

So talk to your submissives and make it clear that honesty is the most important part of all of this.

(I sound like a public service announcement. lol )

[maddie]

Thank you for addressing the next question I was going to raise, Aesop. I've often wondered how people in online relationships deal with subdrop.

[dzire2pleeze]

~smiles sweetly at teacher~ Thank you very much for the lesson Miss Maddie.

~closes notebook, sits quietly with hands folded on desk and waits patiently for the recess bell~

[RickBulow74]

I do know I was only involved in few online scenes as a sub in an HTML chatroom, and the Dommes I was with asked no questions or how I felt after the scene but immediately left. I wish they had, as I would have liked to reveal feelings and such.

[SheepishJaina]

Thanks to all who've helped work on this. Being able to share and learn together is truly the reason i come here.

[Warbaby1943]

Speaking from a wealth of inexperience, I would think that after care may be almost as important to the Dom/Domme as it is to the sub. They seem to put a lot of themselves into any great session too. Just my opinion probably way off base but I have been wrong many times before so you're not getting a virgin.

[maddie]

Oh, I think you're absolutely right, Warbaby. Doms need aftercare, too, to return to their normal state of mind.

[Silke]

I believe it's quite a challenge to give adequate aftercare in an online setting where you're so deprived of a lot of channels. I'm one of those 'stubborn' subs that Aesop talked about and like to work things out for myself, not wanting my dom to get worried or think that I need help. I find it hard to address feelings, especially slightly negative ones, directly after a session. I play it cool or am extremely giggly...sometimes that's the way I really feel, at least for a short time afterwards, but sometimes it's a wall I hide behind. Figuring out what's actually the case or digging a little deeper must be a challenge for any dom. *sighs*

What helps me sometimes, is writing things down for myself. I'm happy to pass on those notes later, but first of all I want to find my own words and reflect. Asking me directly afterwards usually gets very little and redundant information to what's going on inside me.

It's getting better, though. The closer I get to my Master and the more I trust him, the easier it is for me to open up.

[~faerie~]

I believe it's quite a challenge to give adequate aftercare in an online setting where you're so deprived of a lot of channels. I'm one of those 'stubborn' subs that Aesop talked about and like to work things out for myself, not wanting my dom to get worried or think that I need help. I find it hard to address feelings, especially slightly negative ones, directly after a session. I play it cool or am extremely giggly...sometimes that's the way I really feel, at least for a short time afterwards, but sometimes it's a wall I hide behind. Figuring out what's actually the case or digging a little deeper must be a challenge for any dom. *sighs*

What helps me sometimes, is writing things down for myself. I'm happy to pass on those notes later, but first of all I want to find my own words and reflect. Asking me directly afterwards usually gets very little and redundant information to what's going on inside me.

It's getting better, though. The closer I get to my Master and the more I trust him, the easier it is for me to open up.

i am in complete agreement. i usually need time to put my thoughts together in a way that makes sense. i still have trouble opening up, but slowly it is becoming easier. The note idea is one that i use as well.
my Master is always attentive, and asks how i feel afterward...physically and mentally...my thoughts, feelings, ideas, etc. we speak freely and take time to unwind. this is a definite learning process for both partied involved. time and consideration is very important.
this is a great thread and everyone has a lot of great advice.
Thanks!

[chattel69]

I think one of the reasons I don't like cyber is for the lack of emotional connection. Aftercare in my case differs depending on the scene, a really intense scene of whipping, flogging, and prolonged excitement would require more aftercare then just a slap and tickle.

I had a scene with some needles and fire where once it was over I just moved to the couch while another person had their turn with needles and I experienced subdrop while I watched her connection with the Dom and realized all of what i was missing.

[Silke]

chattel - I don't think cyber equals lack of emotional connection. It's just a different form of connection. True, you can't hug a person or watch them for clues as to how they feel...but you can still touch through words. I didn't think this was possible before I tried it...but I can literally feel my Master by now and he can make me cry, drool, wet, desperate, frustrated...or jump around with joy only with his words and the pictures he paints.

Granted, I'm still missing out on extremely important things...I'd love to feel him, smell him, cuddle, drown in his eyes, whatever...but the *emotional* connection couldn't be greater than it already is - only the physical one.

Same with aftercare...you can't touch and you're missing out on clues, but you can make the person on the other end feel loved, accepted, cherished, valuable, whole...you name it. It's possible, just a little different and maybe harder.

[Warbaby1943]

chattel - I don't think cyber equals lack of emotional connection. It's just a different form of connection. True, you can't hug a person or watch them for clues as to how they feel...but you can still touch through words.

silke I couldn't agree more with what you have just said. 2 months ago I would have argued for the opposite point of view but I have come to realize I would have been totally and absolutely wrong. Words have really opened up my eyes and heart.

[MsUther]

Yes, you do miss out on much. But on the other hand you also gains a few priveledges when online. For me, I find it easier to be completly honest with my own thoughts and emotions. Often I do the stuborn sub happy go lucky act, but that sometimes can be done in real to. Although not that easy maybe.
But what I ment to say was that online connections can also make things easier, in some ways. The fact that you miss out on all the body language also means that you can miss out on all the body language stress.

I am too self absorbed, so that often when relating to people that stirs my emotions deeply, I become so aware of myself and how i look and act, that I`m sure I blur out much thoughts and emotions. When online, even if on cam, you still have less to stress about.
I`m not sure I was very clear on that, lol.

[mina]

Yep… cuddling works well for me. Depending on what we did, I might need to be held for awhile first (after wounds have been taken care of) before I can give any kind of coherent thoughts besides simple one word answers. I think cuddling is probably the best way (for me at least) to start making that transition back into a safe, gentle place, however ironic it might be to do so after being… well you can imagine

[_ID_]

The aftercare I provide is fresh cool water, a blanket, and letting them float back down to reality like a feather does to the ground. Once they begin to make more sounds than the kind of grunts heard by neanderthals. I ask them how they are doing, I usually ask them if they know their name first, then ask if they know where they are, then ask if they know what day it is. This helps me gage if they are still lost in the euphoria of subspace, or back in touch with the rest of the planet.

Once they are able to regain control of their muscles to the point of walking without needing to be held up. I talk with them about the scene. Not to ask if they enjoyed it (it was too obvious that they did usually). I ask them how they felt about what was done, if they felt certian things I did, what they were aware of, and what they were not.

It helps me to better understand how to play out a scene when I know these things. However many times the submissives tells me they were not aware of much more than the rythm and the music of the scene rather than the things that were being used on them.

In the online enviroment, I found that a submissive can experience the after effects for quite some time, and that talking to them asking them how they feel, if they are ok and such helps to let them know that you are concerned for their well being.

I have enjoyed the many responses on this subject. Thank you all for giving such great accounts of your expereinces.

V/R
ID

[cariad]

The aftercare I provide is fresh cool water, a blanket, and letting them float back down to reality like a feather does to the ground. Once they begin to make more sounds than the kind of grunts heard by neanderthals. I ask them how they are doing, I usually ask them if they know their name first, then ask if they know where they are, then ask if they know what day it is. This helps me gage if they are still lost in the euphoria of subspace, or back in touch with the rest of the planet.

ID, I could not agree more with the transition you describe, although I would not wished to be asked questions. I can see why you do it, but attempting to answer questions, I might try pull myself out of subspace rather than just 'float back to reality'.

Once they are able to regain control of their muscles to the point of walking without needing to be held up. I talk with them about the scene. Not to ask if they enjoyed it (it was too obvious that they did usually). I ask them how they felt about what was done, if they felt certian things I did, what they were aware of, and what they were not.

At this point I am not ready for analysis, just to enjoy at a very simple level both for myself and to give my Dom positive feedback. For me, the more detailed analysis cannot come until after I have slept on it, and returned to full mental functionality.

In the online enviroment, I found that a submissive can experience the after effects for quite some time, and that talking to them asking them how they feel, if they are ok and such helps to let them know that you are concerned for their well being.

Again, fully supporting what you say ID. Aftercare is just as important online, although is even harder for both parties, particularly in the early stages when verbal communication skills are low. I don't think there are any easy answers, other than both have a responsibility to devote time to after care, to give and receive communications to the best of their ability and to remember that this should be borne in mind, hours or even days later.

cariad

[MrDom]

Well guys how do i do my after care that a good question. Right after play I spend just several hours with my pet holding her loving her caressing her. I make sure there plenty of water for her to drink durning and after play.
But mostly my aftercare I do all the time. Because yes subdrop can occur up too several days after play. I like to play with my pet a lot so for me it full time aftercare. She can walk in the front door after work and I am there for her just tobe there for her this make her feelsafe and secure knowing that I am there for her. So i make aftercare full time and it feels great for both of us.


MrDom

[Smoke's-Slut]

My relationship is an online one with my Sir. We will meet one day but this is what works for us both right now. He is very attentive to me and in my daily life as well. I decided through reading a few different things in this forum to keep an online blog of my experiences and how I feel. I write about our sessions, what was involved and how I felt during and after. I felt this would be a benefit for us both. My online relationship with Sir has been so much more fulfilling and pleasurable than many of my R/L relationships. I look forward to the day I meet Sir. Thank you for this informative thread.

[maddie]

I have to say that, when we initially started to explore BDSM, we'd cuddle after play, but I never really realized we were doing something important. Now, I think I like the closeness of aftercare almost as much as what we do in a scene. I love how I get to curl up next to my husband and snuggle, feeling blissful and secure.

[cariad]

I have to say that, when we initially started to explore BDSM, we'd cuddle after play, but I never really realized we were doing something important. Now, I think I like the closeness of aftercare almost as much as what we do in a scene. I love how I get to curl up next to my husband and snuggle, feeling blissful and secure.

Safe and secure - those are the magic words for me.

cariad

[Uncle_Ed]

maddie,

Great thread.

Er...subs? aftercare? Yet-no mention of chocolate? I'm confused...

[cariad]

Looks pitifully at Uncle. If you need chocolate explaining to you, you won't need the aftercare guidance.

cariad

[DemonGoddess]

I guess I've never given it much thought. After having read this thread though and giving it some thought I think that aftercare is applicable to more than just BDSM relationships and scenes. There are too many relationships where sex is (if I may steal the expression...) "Wham Bham ThankYou Ma'am" cuddling and talking afterwards is a good thing even if the talking isn't about the scene. So that there is a conection on more than the sexual level. Well not more. Just on a different level.

[Ozme52]

I guess I've never given it much thought. After having read this thread though and giving it some thought I think that aftercare is applicable to more than just BDSM relationships and scenes. There are too many relationships where sex is (if I may steal the expression...) "Wham Bham ThankYou Ma'am" cuddling and talking afterwards is a good thing even if the talking isn't about the scene. So that there is a conection on more than the sexual level. Well not more. Just on a different level.

And here I always thought Wham-Bam was specifically a bdsm term.

But seriously, when you think about it, all human relations require fore, during, and after exchange. Even something as mundane as making a deal or signing a contract, often includes a celebration by the parties involved. We need some kind of release after the stress of the event.