Death of a Dom

[subbiesarah]

Hi A/all,

Apolgies for such a downbeat subject but this is a very true life story, take from it what you will.

i'm a very happily collared subbie. my Master and i have a totally open relationship and He allows me to have fuckbuddies as long as they don't hurt/mark His property or interfer with His time. i met a lovely part-time (i.e. married) Dom about 3 months ago and we played once a week since then. i was by no means his first subbie - he was very experienced - and there was absolutely no question of this being anything other than a bdsm interval for both of us; it wasn't sexual from his side.

Anyway, last week i hadn't heard from him for a while so i mailed to check if there last a problem to get a mail back from his wife to say that he died of a stroke (aged 39, fit, non smoker and ex army) suddenly last week leaving her "3 kids and a perverted scum trail to clean up".

i didn't reply - what the fuck could i say? She then sent a detailed mail to myself and my employer telling of the relationship. Luckily my boss has managed to contain the mail and has deleted it with reading to save my embarrassment. my Master is away for another week but i've been so grateful for the advice and support from other online alt lifestylers.

i'm not sure if i'm looking for advice or comfort or wanting to warn others in "secret" relationships to be damned sure that their affairs are in order at all times but thanks for reading. good night.

sarah

[Mobius]

That is a sad one. To us the bdsm life style does not seem that extrema. But to the uneducated vanilla world we are the devil incarnate.

I have the XM radio on the bus and I pas my time listening to playboy radio. (of course not when the children are on board or when others are near by. would Not be a good thing)

And every once in a while they cover porn addiction and the impact of an other wise vanilla relationship.

The teary eyed wife will call up fresh from her divorce crying about how she found porn on her husbands computer. Promptly moved out would not take any calls from him. Not allowed to see the children etc etc.
He is forced into consoling and the marriage ends in divorce.

He people were guys, Guys look at porn. Speaking as a probably porn addicted person. I would think that what should have happened is he should have sat down and talked over what she had found and she should have been open to his needs. But no she was a Mormon bible Betty screaming to Mommy as soon as she saw a tity.

Now as to your friend. I would think that it is not a good idea to be in a vanilla relationship but secretly crave BDSM or any other unknown kinks. I would think that it will always end badly.
I speaking as truly unqualified to give any advice since I have no relationship. But I would think that openness and communication should be there first before any kinky endeavors happen.

any way that is my 2 unqualified cents worth.

[slavelucy]

sarah,

That's a really sad tale and i'm so sorry for everyone involved.

Try and bear in mind that what his wife said was born out of shock, hurt and grief, and further, it wasn't him talking, i'm sure you brought him a lot of happiness. It's easy for people to judge him on having a secret life, but we don't know the situation, there may have been many, many reasons why he felt he couldn't share a certain side of him with his close family.

As for the sending emails to your place of work..well, that's so awful...i realise she was in shock, but good god, surely she had SOME clue as to his non-vanilla tendancies.

Anyway, again, i'm so sorry, for you, and for the whole situation. Take good care of yourself.

lucy

[kittenfemme]

She sent an e-mail to your workplace?!?! Gah! What a horrid thing to do.

*hugs* My sympathies sarah. I hope you're doing well.

[subbiesarah]

Hi Kittenfemme and others - thanks for your kind messages.

Strangely a Dom friend, my vanilla lodger (male) and, when He got back from His holiday, my Master all thought Alex's death was metaphorical and that he was alive. A check (cos I half believed they might have a point) of the archives of the local paper confirmed they were wrong (his pseudo was his youngest son's name). In the coupla months since i've mailed friends (married, playing) who amazingly think that because they 'feel fine' they really don't need to cover their email or text trails. For fuck's sake! If you play away play safe - please!!

She sent an e-mail to your workplace?!?! Gah! What a horrid thing to do.

*hugs* My sympathies sarah. I hope you're doing well.

[theSpanker]

Sad story. I hope you get over this Sarah. I dont think you should think to much about that email. Delete it and try instead to remember the relationship you had to your earlier master. I do not think his wife would understand your situation no matter how you approached her. I don't think you have done anything wrong and I wish you the best.

[woodsman'sgame]

Sarah,

I am sorry that this happened to you, but I think it serves as a warning to anyone who is in a relationship with a married person. If the relationship is secret, then there is always risk. Vanilla or BDSM really doesn't matter; on line or real life doesn't matter either. It is not a good idea to be involved with someone who is lying to his/her spouse about the relationship. There are possible unpleasant consequences like the one you experienced.
I think that some people are of the opinion that the unfulfilled need for the BDSM relationship justifies the person seeking an outlet elsewhere. My opinion is that cheating is cheating, no matter what the reason. You weren't lying to your master, Sarah, so you did nothing wrong in your relationship, but your second Dom was lying to his wife, and so he was doing something wrong in his relationship. You suffered the consequences of his deception. That is why I think it was a bad idea for you to get involved with him in the first place. I am glad that things did not turn out worse for you and that your employer gave you that break. You were lucky.