Becoming me

[UnholyAdvent]

Up until I was 17 sex was always just bland and not appealing at all, though sex rarely crossed my mind anyway as I was usually fantasiesing (mind my grammar) about how I would love to rape and torture all the girls.
Shortly after my 17th birthday I met a sub girl who asked me if I would beat her and once to even kill her. Though close to what I wanted I couldn't bring myself to do anything because well she wanted it.. so I lost interest in women and tried men where I met a pig bottom who wad quite the slave. Though experienced as a sub bottom I do not think he was ready for my calibur of master.. and for my first time I was extremely proud of myself for hurting him in ways he did not expect.

When he finally escaped my grasp I took my chances to find a dom as mean and messed up as I am but failed for 2 months which saddened me I could not find my equivalence here. And now I'm not even interested in rape or sexuality.. just torture.

[leo9]

Up until I was 17 sex was always just bland and not appealing at all, though sex rarely crossed my mind anyway as I was usually fantasiesing (mind my grammar) about how I would love to rape and torture all the girls.

Yep, know what you mean. My teenage masturbation fantasies were all about rape and torture - by me or of me. I'm sure a lot of people here could nod to that.

Shortly after my 17th birthday I met a sub girl who asked me if I would beat her and once to even kill her. Though close to what I wanted I couldn't bring myself to do anything because well she wanted it..

Sounds as if she spoilt it by saying "Yeah, more, harder!" when she should have been begging for mercy or demanding to be let go. I love non-con fantasies myself, but so far I've been lucky enough to find plenty of partners who enjoy fighting and resisting and being broken by force.

so I lost interest in women and tried men where I met a pig bottom who wad quite the slave. Though experienced as a sub bottom I do not think he was ready for my calibur of master.. and for my first time I was extremely proud of myself for hurting him in ways he did not expect.

If I understand rightly, you're saying you got your need for non-con situations met by pushing his limits. I can see how that might not last.

When he finally escaped my grasp I took my chances to find a dom as mean and messed up as I am but failed for 2 months which saddened me I could not find my equivalence here. And now I'm not even interested in rape or sexuality.. just torture.

How you feel now, after two months alone, isn't necessarily what you are. Most people's kinks get more extreme the longer they go unfulfilled. When I've had nobody to play with I've noticed my taste for torture getting more intense till sex seemed almost irrelevant. I'd guess that when you have a real partner you'll rediscover the sexual side.

I'm interested that you think going sub might meet your needs, have you tried it? Is it precisely because it's not your thing, so you will be in a real non-con situation, even if on the wrong side?

[UnholyAdvent]

Yes I have tried sub but I can't find a dom who is equally or more hard core then me if that makes sense.. I love blood play and extreme violence. My only limit is no snuff, other then that anything goes. Unless I say the safety word then never stop being ruthless, if I beg for mercy become more aggressive.. but all the doms I've had would stop when they thought they were "seriously hurting me". The most one did was give me a tiny scar with a box cutter :/
My relationship did not end because of my extreme dominance but for other reasons I'd rather not disclose, lets just say my once was slave boyfriend is now in prison.