so..what is a real Dom like?

[Sirs_GoodGirl (Whyteknyght)]

I have been realizing more and more that perhaps I need to expand my horizons, at least where my Dom is concerned. I love my Master, but I'm thinking that he's a little less experienced than I need. Being a total newcomer, I think I need someone who is not ALSO a newcomer. He is awesome, but I need...more....and someone who is more focused on well, me. Not on himself, his feelings, etc....I don't know. is this selfish???
I guess I don't feel that he puts my wellbeing first. And I think that's an important part of a relationship like this. Trust. I just don't think I trust him enough

[sylvatus2015]

If he is your dom an your his slave then his needs always come first if your looking different shades of grey then yeah he should

[LaMarrKee]

Lass- D/s is always a 2-way street. anything one-way-only is abuse. But if you feel your needs are being ignored or overlooked- TALK to him. Honesty and Communication are the only things that can make D/s work, in my opinion. you subs may Suspect we read minds at times, but honestly- We don't. So when you have a problem or a fret- say so. Don't make us surmise and guess- Tell us. Things work Much smoother that way. Feel free to contact me if you wish me to expand and expound on this; otherwise, I wish you well. Just remember Honesty (even if it has to be Brutal to be clear). Communication (Talk To- not At. And the louder the volume, the lest the listening, usually. If you can manage those 2 things, most other things can be worked out. Best of luck.

[Darkviperj]

I totally agree with LaMarrKee there, slave/sub/pet/wife/gf/toy regardless of what you are, it's always a 2 way street, a Dom is there to care for you as much as you would care for them, if someone can't take the time to listen to you, they aren't worth your time, but if you don't try to talk to them its just as bad. I hope things work out for you

[Doctor Slocum]

I'm not sure if LMK view is quite correct. In a normal relationship then of course both partners would take their partners needs into consideration. BUT is a Ds relationshiop the same. If it is what is it that makes a Ds relationship Ds?

I would suggest the difference is the Dom does what pleases him and the sub derives her pleasure from the pleasure she gives to her dominant. He should not need to consider her, his pleasure is her pleasure.

This works when the couple are compatible, when their interests are broadly the same. In the OP case it seems Sirs Goodgirl wants to explore and either her partner doesn't want to or doesn't have the experience to offer her something new and different. Its blind lead blind. If her dominant didn't object to her being used by another be it a threesome, watching or loaning her out then compatibility is achieved.

[The Jaded Dominant { koral }]

I agree with LaMaarKee's view on communication as well as Dark's.. Doc.. well I have some issues with your point of view but not enough to post here....
Now while communication is a 2 way street so is Training.
Every Dominant has the responsibility to continue to learn...
A Dominant should know the subs need,wants and desires. This comes as LaMarr said through open and honest communication....
But once those are indeed known it is NOT the subs job to see You have learned what she is interested in. It is not the subs job to seek other Dominants out and continue to OMG Learn. the point of this if One does not learn and your sub asks/begs/pleaded You to learn well guess what folks said sub goes elsewhere.
Submissives need a challenge as much as a Dominant does indeed a Dominant IMNSHO should always be open to new ideas and techniques. Learning never ends for either end of the whip. A Dominant the one in "charge" YOU need to set the example of being open to new ideas and techniques.. YOU need to be the One who admits they do not know but will Learn...
is this a odd point of view..nah it is a Old School one. We realize as do most professional communities Members of the Legal Profession, Teachers,Engineers all have to take continuing education to keep up with the changes..
This Life is fluid. things change.. Toys change..styles change some guy down the street you never met came up with a new idea for a play toy...
while subs are REQUIRED by their Dominants to learn they cannot demand One's Dom to learn without risk of consequences..
A good and experienced Dom knows the result if They do not... the loss of the one who holds the Ultimate Power.. the sub when she asks for release........
something to ponder and reflect upon.
rani and I hope your Holidays are blessed

[just_ine]

In my experience D/s is just like a vanilla relationship, but at the same time, so very different to a vanilla relationship.

What is the same? The imperative to communicate, to speak, hear and listen, to look into oneself for continuous, honest (re)assessment and (re)adjustment.

What is different? One leads and one follows. Not by accident, by mutual consent.

This is it. The crux of what a real Dom is like:
He leads. If the way he leads doesn't suit you, tell Him openly and respectfully. Do it with an attitude open too learning and following. If the outcome isn't what you want, then ... Well then it might be time to rethink whether you can really continue to submit.

But you can't dictate How you want to be Dommed.

My Him has told me before, after hearing all I had to say on an issue: I see your point, however, I won't change My mind on this. You need to consider whether you can accept it or not.
(We have been together almost 2 and a half years... I know he didn't say those words easily or flippantly... But I know He must Lead, it is His Mandate)
To today I'd love to change His mind on this issue, but I've decided I will submit. It isn't always fun and easy and sexy. But it remains deeply satisfying on a completely different level.

[Doctor Slocum]

I broadly agree with just_ine. Its relatively simple he wants this, she wants that. People are saying she should tell him her concerns and he should listen to her. But they dont expand on what happens thereafter. There are 3 possibilites:-

1. He changes his mind/decision to take into account her wishes in which case who is leading and who following.
2, They reach a compromise solution in which case how is this different from vanilla marriage.
3. He doesn't change his decision.

Its not an issue regarding limits or safety. It purely about preference. The core issue here is should a dom change or amend his decision (preference) to accomodate the wishes of the submissive. If he is not going to reconsider then listening to her is simply gives a cosmetic appearance of her views being considered when in fact they are not. Reconsider or changing his decision because she doesn't like it affects the entire power dynamic and the relationship cannot be considered Ds. It would be like the general changing his decision because the private doesn't like it.

In the case of the OP it must be asked why are they together when their interest, objectives and direction are different. She wants to explore, he (presumably) doesn't. She feels she wants somebody more experienced. What can he do about that. How does listening to her make him more experienced.

Furthermore her pleasure should be in pleasing him. Here she is concerned about what she wants to do, her pleasure, her horizons. She wants him to subordinate or alter his desires to her desires.

The real Dom does as just_ine's dom does, That said, if its a trivial matter the dom could give way but at same time so could the sub. However this is not a trivial matter, it strikes at the heart of the relationship.

After listening to her what should the dom do other than what just_ines dom did in which case what is the purpose of listening. To make her feel her views matter when they aren't going to change anything. That sounds like a politician to me.

[just_ine]

He changes his mind/decision to take into account her wishes in which case who is leading and who following.

So, a General leading his men into battle hearing new intel from a Private, cannot change his battle plans because this makes the Private the new leader? It changes the power structure in an environment heavily dependant on Top-down leadership?
Or does the General change his battle plan to include the intel given to him by the Private, and he is known as a Wise General?

D/s power dynamics is no different. My Dom doesn't stay His course because it would change our power dynamics... In fact, He has apologised to me before, something that makes Him an even better Leader in my opinion.

YMMV

[iseult]

So I know nothing (or little) about the Ds dynamic (you know nothing Jon Snow), so arguably shouldn't be commenting, however having said that the OP also says she is a new comer so maybe it will be helpful to her.

For what they are worth these are my thoughts.

-it's difficult to know exactly what the problem is in a short post, because what people are thinking and how they express those feelings /thoughts can be very different, having said that all we have to go on is the information above, but I think it's important to remember that as with all communication things are open to interpretation.

For instance this is posted in the Submissive seeking dominant part of the forum, but then reads like the O.P is asking for advise about her current D/s situation, which I think may be causing some confusion.


If this is a personal add, then I would humbly suggest that bringing a third person into a relationship that is already in trouble is a recipe for disaster. If there has been a discussion about this with her Dom and he is happy for her to be advertising for another then it maybe better to have stated that more clearly in the O.P.

-if Sirs Goodgirl is unhappy in the relationship and wants out (and there are some concerning words used such as 'well being is not being met', and 'lack of trust') It may be helpful for her to be able to contact some more experienced subs on the site initially (I don't know if there is a mentor system here, or if there are some or the more experienced subs here that would be happy to be contacted?)

-I am also a bit confused by the title 'what is a real Dom like?' the implication being that the O.P's Dom is not one. And again, I realise that words are easily misconstrued and I don't mean to sound unkind, but I know that I would be very upset if someone ever posted 'what is a real sub like?' If I was already their sub!! I would feel hurt, let down, humiliated.

If Sirs Goodgirl really feels as if her well being is being neglected by him, i personally would advise addressing the problems in that relationship first, which surely has to include telling him how she feels, it is possible that there is a major misunderstanding that could be easily and quickly addressed.

If as she says, he is inexperienced too then at the very least he now has that information from her that he can work with and possibly post for advise on here and ask the more experienced Doms for opinions/advise and then maybe they get to grow more experienced together?

Sirs_Goodgirl, I am more than happy to be pm'ed if you do need someone to talk to, but I am afraid I will not be able to give you any advise with regards D/s.


Hope you guys both find what you are looking for
Xx

[Doctor Slocum]

@just_ine - Okay lets stick with the general private analogy. The private has had life in the army explained to him. He has been trained that his interests are subordinate to those of the nation and it is the general who determines what is in the nations interests.The private signs the enlistment contact and has had extensive training about the duties of soldiers and officers.

So, a General leading his men into battle hearing new intel from a Private, cannot change his battle plans because this makes the Private the new leader?

IF the private objection was new intel then a good general should consider it BUT that is not the case here. The objection is not about limits or safety or sanity. The objection is because of the private (Sirs Goodgirl) personal preference. She doesn't want to go to dusty Iraq. she wants to go to sunny Hawaii. The private wants to expand her horizons, travel the world, meet people and do lots of exciting new things. She does not care about what the nation (relationship) want or what the general (dom) wants. She only cares about HER interest. She is in the army (Ds) for what the nation can give her not for what she can give the nation. She does not agree with the cause and is considering desertion or hopping into bed with another power. You are suggesting the general should change plans to suit her.

I agree it would be wise to hear the views of the soldiers and consider change of plans to keep the soldier content. BUT her objection is based on selfish reasons. She should not have joined up for that army. She does not want to subordinate her interests. Her complaint is her general is not experienced.. What can he do to change that. Magically become a veteran overnight. She should explain her views and request discharge. The general should discharge her. Personally I'd have her transferred from regiment to regiment so that all my fellow officers could enjoy the delights of punishing her.

But lets get back to reality. Its clear whats happened here. 2 bdsm newbies talk about bdsm and join forces so they can explore this brave new world. The nature of it means the dom has the lions share of coming up with what to do and doing it. The sub is getting bored because he keeps revisiting the same places and they have not got out their hometown let alone state or country. She wants a man who can take her to Tahiti.

She should tell him where she wants to go. (eg hey Iove to try anal, please fuck my ass). They should both reconsider if their travel plans are in same direction. Maybe he happy to stay in hometown and doesn't want to see the world. IF the aspirations are not same similar they should go their own ways. IF he doesn't oject they could invite a friend to join then or he could agree to her going on a separate trip every once in a while.

The true error here is that we have a young couple who have started dating and because their is no word for boyfriend girlfriend they call themselves husband and wife. The marriage will probably fail because they did not spend sufficient time together before gettng married. It was two people on there own hooking up in Vegas, BDSM should have the equivalent of a dating=engagement period without rushing to tie the knot or in this case tie the subbie.