BDSM myths

[Tojo]

Talking to Aussiegirl the other day, I realised there are a whole bunch of myths out there regarding BDSM & D/s.

Many of which I believed myself, until I began to read things & talk to people.

One of the biggest for me was realising that D/s is not always about physical punishment & 'forcing' one's sub to do things.

Another is that the majority of devotees are following a rigid list of guidelines.

Is there a myth or myths you've believed? Or still believe? Something you wonder if it's true?

As for me, I'm always learning.

Tojo

[Timberwolf]

"One of the biggest for me was realising that D/s is not always about physical punishment & 'forcing' one's sub to do things. "

This was the biggist one for me, certainly before my "awakening" and I had it established by the time I was in high school. I don't know where I heard the term BDSM first... I just know that by around grade 11 I knew the term. But my personal biggest misconception was that ALL people involved are either sadists or masochists, which is obvioulsy not so. I also understood nothing about the dynamic of power exchange, and thinking back yes I probbaly like a lot of other "vanilla" folk thought that subs were being "forced" into doing things.

Now of course much later I know that any Dom who'd force a sub to do something that was genuinely against their will is pretty much no-no #1 of the serious Dom. Mind you, I guarantee you there are a lot of curious folk wandering into chatrooms, running into those f*ckwitted wannabes with names like "God and Master of the Universe" and what have you (the ones who more or less refer to women as "cunts" as a standard greeting, you can't help but run in to them sadly, with plenty of BS'ers in FemDom to match), who are doing a great deal to mislead people into believing that the steryotypes are true. Abusers hiding under any different name remain abusers.

Another misconception I had (and this was due mainly to the only imagergy I'd had on the subject at the time) was that we're all supposed to be wearing leather apparently. I mean, I've got nothing against leather mind you but we hardly wear it all the time I think.

[Nicelips692]

"we're all supposed to be wearing leather apparently. I mean, I've got nothing against leather mind you but we hardly wear it all the time I think.

Bugger! that's why I can't find a new Master, I've been wasting my time hanging out at the leather-R-us!

I agree, there is a lot of mis-conception and I for one, who am fairly new to BDSM, had a pre-conceived idea on what it entailed. I'm glad I decided to look deeper into the subject. It has opened up a whole new world and friends to me, especialy on line, which in itself allows me to ask question without being embaressed and get honest answers.

I'm not sure about the rest of the world but here in Britain the press and TV media still scandalize sex. A year or so ago a story broke about a Canadian girl being held as a 'sex slave'. From what I can remember, she was interviewed by the police and it was found she was here at her own free will but her passport had been burnt (and this is where I can't fully remember all the details), but she was happy, I do believe she did return to Canada eventually.

The point I'm trying to make here, there is still a stigma attached to anything outside the 'norm'. Here was a consenting adult living her life as she wished to and suddenly the entire British media were reporting her lifestyle, to the rest of the British populance.... no wonder she returned to Canada!

The UK is struggling under the weight of people trafficing, ex easten block women brought into the UK as prostitues, who do have their passport's removed and held against their will to 'pay off' their travel expenses. From what I've read the majority have been brought over by their so called country men (and woman), well Mr Pressmen, go get these bastards and leave the rest of the 'law abiding' BDSM followers alone!

phew I needed to get that of my chest!

[YourThrone]

One myth is:

All Dominant women are man hating bitches and Dominant men are woman hating bastards.


You've been reading magazines again. Seriously, the man/woman hating concept is more a product of BDSM media, and certain political agendas, than reality. There are many web sites that cater specifically to the woman or man as bitch/bastard and the slaves as helpless, and "forced against their will although they really want it", servants. While that may be a fantasy for some, it can be perceived as an all encompassing scene reality to many since the distinction between the two isn't made. The flip side of this myth is that submissives are weak willed doormats who allow themselves to be coerced into anything the dominates wants. This is another product of media, both BDSM and vanilla, where the sub is seen as victim, not consensual partner. Does all this mean that no one in the scene has ever been a man/women hater? No, but those people are quickly recognized as such and have very few, if any, play partners.

I've had a few Vanilla women actually tell me I'm weak minded because I'm a submissive. (That is so not true) biggest myth I've encountered thus far. People don't take the time to find out about BDSM and just come to conclusions that make absolutely no sense.

[michelle~]

As a newbie the myth that I recall was the one stating....if you are not into 'heavy' BDSM you aren't serious and aren't a real submissive.

Boulderdash!

This expansive lifestyle is somewhat like a smorgasbord, if you like shrimp you fill your plate, if you dislike beets you leave them on the table.

I happen to adore shrimp, being held down, oysters, mindfucks, cheesecake, and a deep voice ~suggesting~ what I experience. I shy away from cranberries, pain, okra, and fireplay. Shrugs. But isn't it wonderful that we have the choice as to what delicacies we chose?

Bring on the tiramisu!

[mina]

But my personal biggest misconception was that ALL people involved are either sadists or masochists, which is obvioulsy not so.

That was the biggest myth that I believed too, that everyone involved liked pain. Now I realize some are satisfied with just the mental aspect of D/s and don't even like or need pain. I guess I kind of just expected everyone into it to be as "intense" with it as I was, but clearly the majority of people seem to be satisfied with more mild play.

[Warbaby1943]

A misconception I had was thinking that subs were used only for the pleasure of the one in control, be it Dom or Domme.

Another one was thinking that anyone who would freely submit to being tortured in any manner had to have a screw loose somewhere.

Another thought I had was that Dom/Dommes got more pleasure out of inflicting greater pain. Never even considered the mutual satisfaction aspect of it until joining this forum.

It is too easy to develop stereotype images of BDSMers with all the Internet sites available today. Reading some stories also perpetuate those stereotype images.

As with Tojo, learning every day.

[Timberwolf]

I don't think the idea of "a million flavours for a million people" has ever applied more than I see it in the BDSM and D/s community.

[arwcuw]

I guess the biggest BDSM myth I believed was that I could quit it. Just like a lot of people seem to think homosexuality is a choice, I used to think fetishism was a choice and that I could drop it like a bad habit. Yeah, right. No offense, but if it was possible to quit I wouldn't be here.

[katie_21]

One of the biggest myths I've read about when I first started reading about it was that a sub has no right to say no...which now I realize is total bs lol

[Aussiegirl1]

Tojo,

So glad to see you went and made this thread. Already it seems like a great one.

For me one of the biggest myths was that any BDSM activities were meant to be all serious and that the dom/me ruled and made all decisions on what went on. What I now am learning is that it can be fun, lots of fun and that if the dom/me knows what they are doing, the sub has a lot of say in what happens.

[Uncle_Ed]

Well, Tojo.

There's one myth that we all destroy instantly-that is the one that all BDSM participants are hard, uncaring, selfish assholes.

This community of ours goes to show that we are all rather special.

[Timberwolf]

Amed to that Ed.

If anything, I'm stunned by the outpouring of genuine affection people in this community seem to have for one another. Some other corners of the world could learn a great deal by simply taking the time to observe for themselves.

[SheepishJaina]

When I first started exploring BDSM via the internet every picture I found was of these paper thin girls who didn't look like they were enjoying themself.

It took me a while to find "real" women who weren't ashamed that they were submissive, and were proud of their bodies and of how their Master/Dom had tied them up, or the marks from a spanking. I'd had it in my head for a long while that Doms were only looking for thin girls.

[Tojo]

Amen indeed. Some excellent replies in this thread.

I particularly like the one from arwcuw- been there....

Sure glad I don't have to give a prize for 'best response' - I'd go crazy.

One of the biggest myths I've read about when I first started reading about it was that a sub has no right to say no...which now I realize is total bs lol

katie that is NOT a myth....

Especially not where you're concerned my pretty.

Tojo

[katie_21]

LOL

Ok, well to me it is a myth...cause I'm good at saying No

[TheRapist]

It is amazing how some people think that, just because they are in a "BDSM" relationship, they suddenly become either master of all they survey or they must follow every single command they are given with complete blindness.

I counselled a young lady a few months ago that had been a submissive for about three weeks. She started a relationship with a man she'd met online in her area. On their first meeting, before any negotiations were made, he stripped her completely nude, put a leather collar on her which he told her she could never remove, made her get on her knees and perform oral sex on him, and then he bent her over a table and sodomized her.

She told me it was the most painful and degrading thing that had ever happened to her and she wondered how submissives could live like that and enjoy it. When I asked her why she thought all submissives lived like that, she told me that her partner had told her that's how it was.

That was one long session, I don't need to tell you.

[Timberwolf]

^^^

That's a sad story but I fear hardly unique. To be in a state of vulnerability combined with a lack of knowledge yet an interest in BDSM is very dangerous.

[YourThrone]

Yeah, That's a pretty sad story to say the least. Unfortunately it's not uncommon which gives the whole BDSM community an bad reputation(Main reason) why the Vanilla world looks down upon us. They think we're all about abusing people, inflicting pain and beatings etc and as a whole, That's not condoned in the BDSM community.

Here's a few more myths:



Once you start playing BDSM games you will want more and more and engage in increasingly risky and dangerous play.

It is true that newcomers are often like kids in candy shops. After all, they are discovering new things and the feelings associated with them. But most people find who they are in the scene, and enjoy staying there. They might experiment and even find out new things about themselves, but stay centered.

BDSM = Sex


BDSM can be intensely sensual, but it doesn't have to be intensely sexual. To say that sex never occurs in BDSM is a lie. It's just that it doesn't have to. Many people have wonderful, leave you limp, experiences without any sexual contact at all. Also, being in the scene doesn't mean you are going to get laid. Finally, if you use your position in the scene to coerce sex, non consensually, see What BDSM isn't.

[submissivewife]

One of the biggest for me was realising that D/s is not always about physical punishment & 'forcing' one's sub to do things.

Another is that the majority of devotees are following a rigid list of guidelines.



Tojo

I think the reason that a sub gets the impression that he/she is being "forced" is because the sub is doing something that is very different and feels an enormous amount of hesitation.

Sir was my first dom....everything he had me do was new. I was very hesitant and didn't want to do things because well....I was scared of the new things, afraid of what other thought and well....it was all so damn new. But as I did his tasks he wanted me to do, it was about the submission. Learning to submit to his judgment and authority I gave him over me. Learning to give up control is hard...it will feel like one is being "forced" when really....you DO have a choice.....

I had the belief that certain guidlines had to be followed or things always had to be how the dom wanted. Well, through Daddy, I've learned that although he is my dom, he cares about what I feel and think and that he does expect to be obeyed...but he doesn't go by all those bogus guidelines...it's what we were comfortable with most.

The two myths you mentioned where the same I had too...still figuring the rest out....

[berry]

arwcuw - I'm still not totally convinced that I can't quit it. I'm pretty sure I know that I can't just stop liking something that easily, but I still see myself in some sort of sexual phase. I guess we all have to learn what is myth and what is reality for ourselves.

[StillBehindBlueEyes]

I guess the biggest BDSM myth I believed was that I could quit it. Just like a lot of people seem to think homosexuality is a choice, I used to think fetishism was a choice and that I could drop it like a bad habit. Yeah, right. No offense, but if it was possible to quit I wouldn't be here.

I agree I suppressed for over 20 years and then pop, it explodes all over me.

Tojo,
For me one of the biggest myths was that any BDSM activities were meant to be all serious and that the dom/me ruled and made all decisions on what went on. What I now am learning is that it can be fun, lots of fun and that if the dom/me knows what they are doing, the sub has a lot of say in what happens.

I have never Giggled, or LOL so much in any place in my life. I was shocked when I was told by more than three people that as the Sub it was all about me. WHAT? Wow for real?

Well, Tojo.

There's one myth that we all destroy instantly-that is the one that all BDSM participants are hard, uncaring, selfish assholes.

This community of ours goes to show that we are all rather special.

I so agree, Tojo, Uncle Ed and Warbaby proved that to me the day I joined the forums. I couldn’t believe all the posts by these three and how much they wanted to help people. I’d see a Dom getting a little high handed and the next post would be one of these and there common sense.

When I first started exploring BDSM via the internet every picture I found was of these paper thin girls who didn't look like they were enjoying themselves.

It took me a while to find "real" women who weren't ashamed that they were submissive, and were proud of their bodies and of how their Master/Dom had tied them up, or the marks from a spanking. I'd had it in my head for a long while that Doms were only looking for thin girls.

This has shocked me. You mean someone would want me even if I’m just me?
When I joined the academy I purposely let it be known I was not petite or young and I still found acceptance. Hummmm so nice to have friends to play with.

Sorry this is so long but I wanted to credit everyone that touched me with their points. Keep up the great posts.

[Tojo]

Lovely post SBBE- great to have you here.



Tojo

[Timberwolf]

"It took me a while to find 'real' women who weren't ashamed that they were submissive,"

Are you implying that skinny chicks don't actually exist? (Just kiddin)

[Avralivia]

im a size 18-20 and im 33 - iv had two kids

but i can honestly say that for all my physical *flaws* i am more accepted and desired now than i ever was as a more *perfect* size 14 when i was 20 - mostly because im not afraid to be me anymore, i live life as i want to

[submissivewife]

im a size 18-20 and im 33 - iv had two kids

but i can honestly say that for all my physical *flaws* i am more accepted and desired now than i ever was as a more *perfect* size 14 when i was 20 - mostly because im not afraid to be me anymore, i live life as i want to

EXACTLY! at 32 four kids with some curves..I've been more desireable then ever. I have grown in my confidence and all because of Sir and Daddy.

[Timberwolf]

"mostly because im not afraid to be me anymore, i live life as i want to"

And that, right there, never hurt anybody's chances of being happy.

[Avralivia]

its all about how u feel inside i guess - its a cliche i know - but if u feel sexy then people will find u sexy

[Timberwolf]

Like most cliches, it only became one through being true.

Your signature is... most interesting.

[Nursebunny1]

I think the biggest myth for me is the way my sister see's my lifestyle,because I live as a full time domme she believes that I'm a sadist that I enjoy inflicting pain upon my subs. I dont enjoy inflicting pain at all and if she spoke to my subs she'd see the exact opposite.