There's something thats been bugging me all day -- but first off, my situation. I'm in an online D/s relationship (with the emphasis of relationship over D/s) with my Master who's as new but as interested in it as I am. Our D/s relationship began in a rather weird way, as we met in a completely non-BDSM-related environment, and the D/s dynamics built up gradually.

It was hard going, but remarkably satisfying, especially recently as I learnt not to top from the bottom, to truly obey and submit, and not to misbehave to get what I want. Along those lines, he began implementing serious punishments as 'motivation'. For mouthing off and disobedience, I was made to go 4 days teasing myself but unable to attain release. This was -really- hard on me, being new to real submission as I am, and also considering the fact that I generally masturbate once a day, if not more. Also, he had already made me go for equally long stretches without satisfaction twice shortly before that, meaning I had only been allowed 3 or 4 orgasms in the space of about 2 weeks.

The end of 4 days finally having arrived today, I couldn't help but beg him profusely for permission to orgasm, but was told to be patient. Some time later, I asked again. As I probably actually deserved, he told me that I'd not get it for another day. I complained, and got a few more days added on, with the order to be silent. I freaked out and begged him to reconsider, which got me (no prizes for guessing) another few additional days, with the order to be silent AGAIN.

Then (and I am not proud of it), I 'safeworded' -- we don't have one, but it is mutually understood that when I go completely out of subbie mode and say seriously that I don't want to continue, that everything stops right there. And then he explained what he was doing -- a mindfuck. He'd actually intended to allow me to orgasm just before he logged off that night, if I had shown that I was willing to obey regardless of how hard it was for me. In that case, it was the mental submission that he probably wanted.

I was totally disappointed in myself, seeing as I'd ruined the entire thing. He didn't make me feel bad about it, but I just did. Why was I so weak as to give up and safeword just when I was made to do something that I disliked and felt that I couldn't take? I'd done things that I disliked before, but this one just kinda pushed me over the edge to the point where I conveniently safeworded in order to avoid doing it.

I do intend to talk to him about it later on, but I'd really appreciate input from fellow submissives as well. How do I avoid this from happening again? I really want to give up my control, to have to submit to whatever he wants regardless of whether I like it or not. But being able to just call a halt to it at the crucial moment where your mind is being fucked with is just... so tempting. How do I/we overcome that? How did you? Breaking off contact if I safeword too much simply isn't an option -- as I stated, the relationship supercedes the D/s.