How does one answer that question? Has anyone really ever sat down and thought about what BDSM really is? The sheer enormity of the concept is alarming.

BDSM is a vast community of people from all walks of life that exchange power in some way. BDSM extends not only into the real world, but into the virtual world of the internet as well. BDSM is a vivid lifestyle, full of bold colors, images, and sounds. BDSM is the thing I am usually thinking about when I am sitting with that little grin on my face. But what defines it? Is there really a definition? Castle Realm tells us that BDSM is Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. Okay, great. But what does all that mean? Pardon me while I consult Funk and Wagnall.

Bondage - n. 1. Involuntary servitude; slavery; serfdom. 2. Subjection to any influence or domination.

Discipline - n. 1. Training of the mental, moral, and physical powers by instruction, control, and exercise. 2. The state or conditiion resulting from such training. 3. Subjection to rule or authority. 4. Punishment or disciplinary action for the sake of training. 5. A system of rules, or method of practice, as of a church.

Domination - n. 1. The act of dominating, or the state of being dominated. 2. Control, authority.

Submission - n. 1. The act of submitting or yielding to the power or authority of another. 2.The state or quality of being submissive. 3. The act of presenting something for consideration, decision, approval, etc.

Sadism - n. 1. A condition in which sexual gratification depends largely on the infliction of pain upon others. 2. A tendency to take delight in being cruel.

Masochism - n. 1. A condition in which sexual gratification depends largely on undergoing physical pain or humiliation. 2. A tendency to derive pleasure from one's own suffering.

Alright, now we know what it all means, so how does it apply to our everyday lives? What it tells me is that people that engage in BDSM are people that exchange power, believe in a sense of discipline and rules, and possibly enjoy either being caused pain or causing pain.

Well well well, quite the little lifestyle we have built up for ourselves, isn't it? Does it just mean that, though? Or are there other facets of all this that don't fall into those categories above? I believe there are. There are various fetishes that people involved in the lifestyle tend to utilize to heighten their experiences. But what do fetishes have to do with BDSM? Well, let's go back to Funk and Wagnall's for a moment to see what a fetish is.

Fetish - n. 1. An object regarded as having magical powers. 2. Something to which one is devoted excessively or irrationally. 3. Some object not in itself erotic but which is sexually stimulating to certain individuals.

That makes a little more sense. To me, that definition says that while the average person might not think the little blue flogger I have in my bedside table is all that great, a submissive or a masochist might view that same little blue flogger as something wildly exciting and might just be turned on by the sight of it. If that's the case, remind me to hang it in plain sight. Over the bed maybe.

A word I keep seeing pop up in all these definitions is sex. A sadist is sexually aroused by inflicting pain. A masochist is sexually aroused from receiving pain. A fetish is an erotic and sexual item. Doesn't that mean that this whole lifestyle is based on or centers around sex? Before the grand debate begins, let me say what I see by the definitions. I see that sex is a part of the lifestyle and does fall into a few of the categories listed, but I don't see where the lifestyle as it is revolves around sex as its center. Sure, a person might become aroused by the infliction or reception of pain, or by using a certain item to heighten their experience, but that does not encompass the whole of BDSM as a definition. Nowhere does it say a dominant must have sexual relations with a submissive. Nowhere does it say that bondage must lead to sex, nor does it say that discipline implies sex. Therefore, while I agree that sex is definitely a part of the lifestyle, I do not believe it has to be, nor do I believe it has to be the center of the relationship.

There is one other word that keeps popping up in day to day conversations, literally. I can't think of a day in the last month when I haven't heard this word. The word is lifestyle. It seems everyone refers to BDSM as a lifestyle. Well, what is a lifestyle and does BDSM fall into the definition? Boy, Funk and Wagnall are loving me today. Not literally, of course, and from their graves, I'm sure. Actually, Funk and Wagnall's doesn't have a definition for the word. So, I shall just have to go to my second resource. The internet. Let's see what dictionary.com has to say about the word lifestyle.

Lifestyle - n. A way or style of living that reflects the attitudes and values of a person or group.

By Jove, I think we have something here. Does not BDSM reflect that we, as a group, have chosen to live in a style of life that reflects an attitude of discipline, the values of dominance and submission, and the attributes of sadism and masochism? So, we really do live in our own lifestyle. Just like the Catholics, the Wiccans, and the people at the country club. Doesn't that make us just as normal as the rest of society then? Now, there's another huge can of worms there. And since I'm tossing definitions like salad today, let's look at the word normal for a moment and see what it really mean.

Normal - adj. 1. Conforming to or consisting of a pattern, process, or standard regarded as usual or typical; natural. 2. a. Well adjusted; without marked or persistent mental aberrations.

So, are we, as practitioners of the BDSM lifestyle, normal? In my opinion, yes. Why? We conform to patterns and standards that we regard as being typical. We feel our lifestyle, including the way we practice, the way we act, and even the way we dress sometimes, are natural. For the most part, the people in this lifestyle seem well adjusted. And I have yet to actually meet a practicing person in BDSM with persistent mental aberrations. And if I did, I don't think I would ask them to dominate me if I was a submissive.

We have our own, unique lifestyle. We can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are normal. We know what our lifestyle means. We know what fetishes we enjoy. And we're fairly up front about it all. So why does society believe that we are all a bunch of freaks and perverts? Didn't I just say all that about never meeting anyone with mental aberrations? So, we can't be freaks. Unless, it's perhaps in the circus sideshow sense.

I also mentioned that our lifestyle does not, in fact, revolve around sex. So, we're not all perverts. So what makes society revile most people in our lifestyle? Why do we feel like we should hide ourselves away from the world and practice in private?

Ever heard the saying "One bad apple spoils the bunch?" Just one person can ruin it for many others. As an example, one person is arrested for rape and kidnapping and turns out to own several sex toys, magazines on bondage, and has a flogger or two hung up in his basement. He is immediately branded a pervert and a sadist and possibly a practitioner of BDSM. However, by the definitions, I just gave, we know he is not a practitioner of BDSM. A pervert, yes. A sadist, quite possibly. But a practitioner of our normal lifestyle? No way. He tossed out the two golden rules of BDSM when he chose to kidnap someone and rape them.

What two rules did our hypothetical nuisance disregard?

"Be respectful"

"Safe, sane, and consentual."

That's right, kiddos. Those are the two biggies. Those are the only two rules that pretty much everyone in the BDSM communities will agree upon. "Be respectful" doesn't mean you have to respect your slave as a slave, but it does mean you must be mindful of the fact that she is still a human and she is still a person. She has the right to have at least her life and safety respected. "Safe, sane, and consentual" means you must take your safety and the safety of your partner into consideration at all times. You must maintain a rational frame of mine, preferably free of mind-altering substances while practicing. And you must have consent, otherwise its abuse at best and rape at the worst.

Notice I used the word must in every one of those statement. That's because there is no leeway allowed in these rules. You must abide by them. They are the only two actual rules we have and they are the only things separating you from the kidnapping, raping pervert that ruins it for the rest of us.

I will end this piece with a tip of advice for everyone and a personal comment.

My advice: Play safe. Use your common sense in every situation. If you don't think lit kerosene in the ass is terribly safe, then please don't try it.

My personal comment: I would like to share my golden rule with everyone that hasn't heard it before. Have fun. If you aren't having any fun at this, you're probably not doing it right. Buy a book, visit a website, but whatever you do, don't do this if you're not going to enjoy yourself.

Thanks for your time.

I hope it helps.