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Back In Town
Author: Trainstation
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(Added on Dec 17, 2008)
(This month 24132 readers) (Total 50683 readers) |
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Sarah is back in town working for a large law firm. She had been away at college for 6 years including law school. She came back to her roots and to settle some old scores. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 6 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (7.5/10) |
Average
Rating:  (8/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (10/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (4/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Lovecraft
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 17, 2009 |
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I really enjoyed the plot of this one. Hope to see more chapters! (8/10)
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| Reviewer:
worzel
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Mar 10, 2009 |
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I loved this story, it teases you along we still don't know if Sarah is going to be Dom like Helen(as she would believe) or sub like Sally, we must wait and see. A well written piece that even though not perfect the story carries the reader along almost spellbound a deserved ten out of ten! (10/10)
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| Reviewer:
JimmyJump
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 28, 2009 |
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I'm sorry to say that this story lacks seriously in quality. The idea is a good one, but the writing leaves a lot to be desired.
To be honest, there's 12-year olds who come up with better writing than this. I hate to be so blunt, but that's the way it is.
JJ (4/10)
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| Reviewer:
joshjg
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 7, 2009 |
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pretty good, would like to read more. (8/10)
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| Reviewer:
Domme CJ
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 28, 2008 |
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This is a solid, well-written piece. I very much enjoyed the story, and your descriptions of your characters, and surroundings. VERY nice indeed! I would suggest the following to help improve your writing. I mean these as constructive criticism. Please do not be offended, I VERY much like your work and want to see more of it!
Watch your choice of words:
After renting for 6 months I found the house that would suite my needs.
suite – a set of rooms in a hotel
suit – something that is appropriate or satisfying
Tense shift:
Helen suggested we have dinner and I agreed I liked Helen right from the start. She is about 5 years older than me, guessing about 32 or so. She is tall, as I am, about 5' 10" and she has a slender and fit figure. She is flat chested, dressed to my liking and was as pretty a woman as I have seen in a long time. She carried herself well and seemed to have a bit of a dominant streak in her.
Past tense words in bold, present tense words in italics. Watch your writing and be careful not to shift from one tense into another. Go back and read over what you have written word-by-word, as though you are reading it for the very first time, and you will catch these things easily.
Watch your choice of words:
than or then?
She than said she would need a week to 10 days to come up with a workable plan.
Again, proof read your work before publishing.
Consider rephrasing:
Sally followed Helen around like a puppy following her master. I noticed she (she who? Helen or Sally?) had a collar and it was almost like she (She who?) had a leash attached to it. She had a clipboard and took down notes as fast as she could write. In a firm but at the same time gentle way, she seemed to have Sally under her thumb.
This section is difficult for the reader to follow.
The last few paragraphs are written in a smaller size font than the rest of your piece, and this is distracting to a reader. Try to maintain consistency in your writing by keeping the same font size throughout the piece. In my opinion it is not quite as well written as the first part of your work. You also shift back and forth between past and present tense in that section as well.
Again, your work is VERY good, and I enjoyed the story VERY much! Please write another chapter! I can’t wait to see what happens to Sally and Sarah!
(8/10)
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| Reviewer:
mkemse
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 19, 2008 |
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story was ok, my 1 question why in the last paragrah's do the fonts change size do radicaly?? (8/10)
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