good_girl

I woke up this morning in a foul mood, I don’t know why, I had no reason to be, I just did, it happens sometimes and then life goes on, no big deal really.

I spent the early part of the day trying to occupy my time and distract myself from my mood….didn’t do a very good job of it, my mind kept wandering to “I need something...but what?”

My mood did finally change as the evening went on and I never did figure out what got under my skin to begin with, but I did learn something today.

I went for supper with a friend, someone who understands BDSM and knows me well, someone I trust. I had been telling her about my mood and the feeling that I needed something when all of a sudden a voice that sounded a lot like mine blurted out “I need a good flogging” my first thought was who said that, but being that we were the only ones in the car it had to be me.

I’m not sure if I was more surprised or relieved…surprised because I had never said this to anyone before, including myself, and relieved for the same reason.

Immediately I felt the need to explain myself, not to her but to myself, and so we got to talking, (this is often how I work things through in my mind,) it’s nice to have a friend who can and will listen and understand.

What I finally came up with is something like this; first of all the need did not cause my mood rather my mood caused the need, although I’m not one to bottle up my emotions I do have a tendency to set them aside if I don’t understand them. This mood today didn’t make sense to me, like I said there was no reason for it, but I didn’t want to push it aside, I wanted to feel it fully in order to get past it. I spent many years in my past shutting my feelings off, not allowing myself to feel, I had been numb for a long time and damn it I don’t want to be numb anymore, I want to feel everything good and bad.

Things still didn’t make perfect sense to me, what does wanting to feel have to do with a good flogging? In one word, vulnerability. I don’t have a lot of BDSM experience yet, but the experiences I have had, those have been the times I have felt most vulnerable. Bound and beaten…don’t misunderstand though, I’m not a masochist, I really don’t care for pain…well not much of it anyway.

Maybe in time I will discover other things that will make me feel the vulnerability that I need, I hope so, but for now I’m happy to have learned this about myself, hopefully it will let me start to feel those things that I have been missing out on.