good_girl

I had an interesting conversation tonight and it got me thinking. I had mentioned in an earlier blog that I had taken a self esteem workshop after my divorce. I was remembering one particular assignment we were given, we were asked to write 5 things that we were good at on a piece of paper, I had no problem coming up with the 5, I’m a good mother, I’m a good person, I do voluntary work, I’m very passionate about my job in health care, I don’t remember if those are the actual things I wrote but generally those are the types of things. So I sat there and looked at my paper and have no idea about the rest of the class, I was lost in my own thoughts, holding back tears…ya I was (and am) a good mom, but was I good enough? ya I did voluntary work, but only one hour a week and even then I missed many weeks because of other commitments, not good enough!

At the end of the class I just sat there until everyone else was leaving the room…the instructor approached me and all the tears I was holding back came out, it didn’t matter to me who was still in the doorway watching me, I couldn’t hold them in any longer. I told her how hard it had been for me to look at my own list, how I had never in my life felt as if I was good enough. She asked me who I wasn’t good enough for……..I had no answer; I remember feeling a little angry at her for asking but to this day I have no idea why I was angry. We sat and talked for a while, she asked me to start telling myself these things I had written in a mirror, I pretended that I took her seriously but inside I was laughing at her, I thought this was the silliest thing I had ever heard, I needed someone else to tell me I was good enough to believe it.

Over the next week or so I did try telling myself those things in the mirror….and I felt damn silly doing it. I also thought a lot about who I needed to be good enough for. I started accepting myself for who I was and seeing that I really was good. I didn’t continue talking to my mirror but I did continue thinking about myself that way and before long I actually started believing myself. It was only this conversation tonight that made me realize that this was a turning point for me, this was the first step to building the strength that I always had, the first step to my new life.

I’m looking back now and thinking about just how great I am, for the first time in my life I began to like myself, eventually even love myself. I can look in the mirror just about any day now (we all have bad days) and tell myself that I’m a good person without rolling my eyes; but there is more to this, there is another part of me, the part of me who still needs to hear it from someone else to really believe it. I stand alone in front of the mirror and see an amazing woman, but I stand with someone else and I wonder just how they see me. I know that alone I am good enough, but as part of a couple I need more than just my own opinion, I thrive on praise, I need to know that my Master feels I am good enough.

Don’t misunderstand, Sir tells me over and over again that I am good enough, He tells me that I am too hard on myself, maybe I am too hard on myself, but there is a difference between good enough and perfect and I strive to be perfectly His *smiles*