bpqueen

So this morning I have been asking myself why someone who doesn't like sex and has a low sex drive is so interested in BDSM. My friend (MF) hypothesized that it is not that I dislike sex, but rather the way in which I have been taught to see sex. Growing up in a nation that pretends to be Christian has produced two types of people: obedient and rebellious. As a child and teenager, I was the obedient type, mostly, but as an adult I grow more and more rebellious. If mainstream society wants it...I don't, and if marriage and sex should be one way, I don't want to do it that way. Is this healthy? Probably not. But I have not had the fortune to find a therapist that doesn't irritate me worse than normal, and my husband is the type that doesn't think I should talk to anyone but him.

Sexually, I am very inexperienced. I don't know much of what I like and dislike, but MF has helped me remember much of what I have forgotten I liked about sex. For me, BDSM isn't about control, but is about discovery. MF listens to me like no one before, and because of that I want to please him like no one before. I am a very aggressive and protective person, and in the bedroom I am like a Great Cat, clawing, wrestling, and biting my way through sex, trying to find that one strong enough to dominate me. I find the fight exilhirating and am disappointed if it does not manifest in one way or another. MF does not physically attract me off the street, but in the bedroom, he has a fire behind his eyes and a touch that sends shivers down my spine. I trust him completely, and when we do breath control I feel safe and peaceful.

I want to learn to task, and I want to be trained to be his...to know what he likes and what he likes from me. He has told me that I am the only person that he has truly wanted sexually is a great many years, and I am humbled by the restraint he shows when we are together. He knows that I am fragile and sensitive, and he takes smaller baby steps than I. He opens me up communcatively like never before, and does not betray my trust. I hold little faith in promises and trust, but he makes me want to be a better person. He makes me want to learn and explore. Through him I feel like I may acually be able to understand myself sexually.

Now, I just wish that I could bring some of these feelings into my marriage relationship...
With my husband (MH) I feel safe and secure, but it is a domestic tranquility, and not a personal or sexual tranquility. He has no idea how to turn me on, and is too impatient to impart hours to working me up. I long to be touched by him like MF, but do not know if MH will be willing to learn. Or even if I trust him as completely as I trust MF. I have a medical condition that is exacerbated by stress, and I am seeking ways to reduce the stress in my life, but as much as MF helps, MH does not...and I cannot explain why or how.