pain

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06-22-2010
puropuro

D/s without bondage/pain

So, I regularly come around here and collarme looking for (female) subs. But there seems to be almost nobody who's interested in being dominated, without wanting bondage and/or pain. My question is does everyone actually have this fetish, or do they just say that they want these things to try and please their potential Doms?

Personally, I've no interest in tying up or inflicting pain on my potential subs. I'd rather have someone who didn't need something like that to show them who's boss. I'd use handcuffs if I wanted her arms bound and lock her up in the cellar for a while if she needed a punishment, but I wouldn't want to physically hurt her (and if I did I'd feel rather bad about it, which wouldn't Dom-like at all).

Are there any subs out there who would be far happier if they knew their Dom wasn't going to inflict pain, or any Doms who feel the same way as me?
06-22-2010
Lisais mine

well, I cant say that i don't like inflicting pain- it does give me quite a rush- but i dont like the fancy rope bondage. it seems like a whole lot of a pain in the ass to me.
06-22-2010
denuseri

<<<is not a pain slut by in anyway shape or form. I do love the rope, I like to be bound on occassion, but its not an absolute nessecity.

Rope btw doesnt have to be fancy or hard or complicated, it just takes a little practice and common sence.
06-22-2010
Red Dragon {mpellegrino}

Aloha

I am of a similar bent as yourself Sir and I can attest that there indeed such subs around. Be patient, be chatty and act in a gentlemanly way and you might be surprisd who comes a looking.

Other Doms may think you no Dom at all but I prefer to listen to the reaction of the subs and the esteem which some seem to hold me (I do not for one moment insinuate I deserve such esteem, I am hardly the best person to judge after all).
06-22-2010
openyoureyes

Quote:

Originally Posted by puropuro

Are there any subs out there who would be far happier if they knew their Dom wasn't going to inflict pain, or any Doms who feel the same way as me?

Yes. I am still new to the lifestyle, but I would be happier knowing that I wasn't going to be inflicted with pain.

But I do think there are different levels/layers when it comes to pain and bondage. For me, there is an appeal of having force used against you - being cornered, pinned down, shoved a bit, grabbed by the hair even, etc. I view this as being wholly different from spanking, caning, etc. For me, spanking is a punishment and NOT something I enjoy. My Dom enjoys doing it even when it's not a punishment, and it's something I struggle with because it conjures feelings of guilt and/or doing something wrong even when I'm doing exactly what he wants/says.

But, in the context of punishment, it isn't something a submissive necessarily wants, otherwise it wouldn't make a very good punishment. :p

Bondage, on the other hand, I view a bit differently. For me, it just adds another layer to things. While I'd have to trust the person completely before using it, bondage would be a way of giving up control and showing how much I truly trust the person I'm with. Especially for me, as I have a very hard time trusting someone completely like that.

Obviously everyone will fall along different places on the spectrum, some won't like pain at all or view it strictly as a punishment, others might not be able to imagine a relationship without regular use of bondage and/or infliction of pain. Most of us will probably fall somewhere in between.
06-22-2010
Flaming_Redhead

Of course, I can't speak for everyone, but I want bondage and/or pain. There are people out there who feel the same as you and have groups and/or web sites devoted to 1950s household, head of household and Taken In Hand. Goreans are also not so much into S&M.
06-22-2010
openyoureyes

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flaming_Redhead

Of course, I can't speak for everyone, but I want bondage and/or pain. There are people out there who feel the same as you and have groups and/or web sites devoted to 1950s household, head of household and Taken In Hand. Goreans are also not so much into S&M.

Not all BDSM activities directly involve bondage and/or pain. Age play, anal, collars, and humiliation, to name a few for example, do not necessarily involve bondage or pain.

Just because someone is not into pain/bondage does not mean they aren't into other aspects of BDSM and are only looking for 1950's style relationship.
06-22-2010
Flaming_Redhead

I'm perfectly aware of that. However, when looking for a D/s partner without the whips and chains, it may be easier to find one on a site that isn't primarily BDSM oriented.

Just because someone is into 1950s or HOH doesn't mean they won't take it up the ass.
06-22-2010
fetishdj

There are people out there with what you want... but you will always find that you may have to endure some compromise to achieve a perfectly balanced relationship. It may, for example, be possible to find someone who likes only a little pain - maybe mild spanking (and I have yet to meet a woman who is not turned on by mild spanking...).

The question you may have to ask yourself is: how far are you willing to do things you are not keen on in order to get what you want in other ways? The spanking turns her on so you do it because she enjoys it and it achieves an end (getting her ready for other things you want to do to her). Is there harm in a little play like this for that?

Generally, I advise being patient and being very thorough in any negotiation with a potential new sub. When they talk about pain, ask them if they are really into that and how much precisely. Don't necessarily let them know your position until after they have answered (that way you may get a more honest answer rather than one designed to be what they think you want to hear).
06-22-2010
chipmunk_

I'm still new to the lifestyle and while I enjoy bondage, I'm not much into pain. I've also found that sometimes "mental bondage" done well can be the biggest turn on of all.
06-22-2010
ropekitty

Do I need someone to beat on me? no. Do I need someone to tie me? no.

Do I need to beat on someone? Not really I guess if they don't really like it, but i do. Do i need to tie someone? Not really.

What does it for me is knowing each relationship is different and enjoying the activities that I do with each of my partners. I enjoy some pain, I love rope, but I don't need those things to be in a relationship with someone. What I do need is that person to enjoy what we enjoy together and enjoy each other.

~RK~
07-13-2010
leo9

Quote:

Originally Posted by openyoureyes

For me, spanking is a punishment and NOT something I enjoy. My Dom enjoys doing it even when it's not a punishment, and it's something I struggle with because it conjures feelings of guilt and/or doing something wrong even when I'm doing exactly what he wants/says..

Have you tried thinking of it as something that happens for his pleasure, and that you endure to please him?
07-13-2010
openyoureyes

Quote:

Originally Posted by leo9

Have you tried thinking of it as something that happens for his pleasure, and that you endure to please him?

Yes. That doesn't always help with the bad feelings I associate with it, though. We had a discussion about it after an incident where he caught me off guard (I was half asleep and trying to get off the couch to head to bed) with a really hard spank and I basically burst into tears and kept backing away from him (which never really works anyway). So we talked about it and he agreed to give me warning if I agreed, well, to stay put, lol. At least until I am able to get passed this mental block. It's hard for me to push through some of the mental blocks and I haven't quite figured out how to relax, quiet my brain, and just let go.
07-17-2010
Jennifer Williams

Quote:

Originally Posted by openyoureyes

Yes. That doesn't always help with the bad feelings I associate with it, though. We had a discussion about it after an incident where he caught me off guard (I was half asleep and trying to get off the couch to head to bed) with a really hard spank and I basically burst into tears and kept backing away from him (which never really works anyway). So we talked about it and he agreed to give me warning if I agreed, well, to stay put, lol. At least until I am able to get passed this mental block. It's hard for me to push through some of the mental blocks and I haven't quite figured out how to relax, quiet my brain, and just let go.

That just takes practice and patience. It sounds to me like the communication between you two is fairly good, and I think you came up with a pretty good compromise- he gets to spank you, but you get to be warned first (so at least you can prepare yourself for it). This is the kind of thing you'll probably just get used to, eventually you'll be able to tolerate it just fine, and then maybe one day you'll like it just because he does. But that last step isn't totally necessary; if you can get it so that it's tolerable to you, then he can get his enjoyment from it and that's good enough. Congrats on the ability to have such a conversation with each other- for some people, that's the hardest part!
07-18-2010
Rel

Quote:

Originally Posted by puropuro

Are there any subs out there who would be far happier if they knew their Dom wasn't going to inflict pain, or any Doms who feel the same way as me?

I am not into pain. In fact one of the first things I will mention to any potential Dom is that fact. Beyond the fact that being in pain just doesn't do anything for me, I'm very sensitive to touch and bruise easily enough that half the time I have no idea how I got a particular bruise.

Bondage I'm more apt to experiment with but it's the really 'light' bondage that I enjoy. I don't need to have my hands tied immobile to submit but sometimes I need that 'forced' aspect of it to reassure that myself that I am not the one in control.

Of course, like all else, what I am willing to allow is a compromise with whatever Dom I submit to. If He needs more than I, our playing field is most likely somewhere in the middle ground.