As a BDSM party organiser, this is an important issue for me on several levels.

As far as I can tell the only difference is that if it's abuse going on the slave is unhappy. And submissives being their lovable submissive self means that they're likely to talk themselves into believing they aren't being abused when they are.

What I'm asking is how can I tell? I don't really have the tools to put my foot down and say, "Hey, you suck. Get out of here you abusive cunt rag!". I have a great power within the community because once a rumor starts it is very hard if even possible to clean off. I don't want to abuse this power.

We had a rapist coming once. Granted that I had to take the victims word for it, but it was someone I knew well and used my judgment and had him banned. Admittedly I could be wrong. I will not persecute if I don't have plenty of stuff to back it up with. I'd rather let people get away with it if I'm not sure. Rape is a quite obviously a not-ok act.

So help me out here? What characterizes a purely abusive act? How can I from the outside tell? We have lots of guys I'd label as total idiots, but they seem to have no trouble making women happy, so I don't butt in. I'd never have opinions on other peoples road to happiness. As long as it is happiness of course.

I'd just like to add that when it comes to this, I'm extremely delicate and careful. Stuff like this can quickly unnecessarily tear apart a functioning scene. Even if some members might be abusive.