Trouble in Paradise... yet hopefully hope is still alive

[Eponine]

It was a very short time ago that I posted about my joy of joys in finding Master, as well as the ease and beauty of polyamory... but I was only in two months, what the hell did I know?

So, though at the beginning, Master's other slave, j, seemed just as warm and inviting to me as Master, it seems now she has issues with me. I, and Master as well, are not really sure of their specifics, but have only been surmising.

j is sick. She has the diagnosis of sarcoidosis, which causes her chronic fatigue. She must sleep early and rise late, along with taking at least one nap during the day. Her body cannot absorb pain, she has lost her sex drive, she goes through "brain fog" and emotional fluctuations.

They went through a long period before they decided, at j's bequest, it was told to me, to search for another to fulfill Master's BDSM needs, as well as become a third in the all-perfect triad. They searched for a year or so and found me in March.

From the start, Master and j both were loving and expressive about how special I am. i remember j once said to me, "thank you for being so real." Master constantly told me, and still does, that I exceed His expectations. He is in love with me emotionally and physically. This I do believe. He has never once faltered, even in the minutest degree, in His shows of affection towards me.

But apparently, I am actually too real... I must be blunt and say I can be quite high-maintenance and melodramatic- not intentionally- but these are the behaviors I've learned as coping skills throughout my thirty-one years here. They are certainly things I would like to rid myself of. But they did cause a few bumps- and there were times, Master confessed to me, that He wanted to call it quits, but j was, in fact, the one to remind Him that I am a "quality item" (His words). And so He continued, and He and i both agree emphatically that my behaviors and attitude have much improved. That I am where He needs me to be to develop as His slave.

And yet, just recently, after my behavioral changes, j has begun to have issues with me. I have done my best to be communicative, on her terms, loving, and caring towards her- even sexual as well, but she cannot tolerate very much. She really cannot tolerate much of anything, and so I am at a loss with how to bond with her.

So, in a way, Master is in the middle. He wishes us all three to be happy as clams. But ... the only reason I can fathom that j would have issues with me is the obvious one of not wanting to share Master. With anyone. I'm sure it doesn't make it easier that He has stated that I can take more physically than she could even in her best days. Maybe that was an error on His part. But she already, before me, felt inadequate as His slave, His wife, His partner... and I believe that though she may have been sincere in her willingness for this search, now that I'm here, she cannot deal with it.

Certainly, Master knows He could just make the decision to keep me and tell j that is how it is. But He is not that way. He is kind and considerate and cannot stand for anyone He loves to be uncomfortable or in pain (well... you know what i mean...lol).

I feel like j is being selfish... that may sound unempathetic, but... i have even told Master, if it's easier for You if i just go, then that is what I will do... and I will not commit my characteristic behavior or resentfulness, coldness, or even downright meanness out of being hurt. Because I love Him so dearly. That is an enormous step for me. I also have been able to continue to be loving and obedient to Him, even in these moments that I feel may be my last with Him, which, again, is a huge step for me. As Daes said in her post, "Letting go of your owner", it is easier to start the detachment process ASAP. But I have not let myself detach from Him- because I know it would hurt Him- I have not reverted to the defensive "fuck you" vanilla girl facade I presented with most of my life to other men and women. It is killing me.

This whole thing is killing me. I will be absolutely crushed to an infinitessimal amount of microsopic bits of matter if I do lose this man. He is the greatest man I have ever known. I know I will never meet anyone like Him, even close to Him- and that is not talking out of despondence, because He truly is so many cuts above the rest in so many ways.

I know He is painfully torn. He loves us both, wants us both. He stated from the beginning, even in His profile, that j and the other slave must get along, and love each other. I truly do not see why it cannot be that way. If I am accepting of sharing Him, and she agreed to this search- for a year- then so should she. I do not have a problem with women, as many other women do. I can love her in many ways, if she would open up to me. But she has withdrawn so much from me, and I can only think of that one reason why.

I thought at first maybe she thought I would not love Master (like she does, maybe she still thinks that, I don't know) enough, and/ or be a good enough slave because I have been argumentative and overreactive. But I have changed, and Master sees it so clearly, so she must as well. But maybe this makes her less happy, in truth, because she really has no reason for me not to be here. Master has told me repeatedly how happy I make Him, how much I fulfill Him- not just sexually- and that if He had met me before j, He would have wanted me then too. I believe this, because when We are together, We fit so well. It is so beautiful.

Master has said to me He wants to keep me, He will keep me, We will all make this work. So His idea, really the only one I think there is, is for the three of us to talk with complete honesty. Of corse I am willing and ready. However, I only finally got my son (yes, I have a two-and-half year-old which certainly complicates things) to bed at 10:15 and j had already gone to sleep. Master was waiting for me, though, and We simply sat on the couch watching basketball. He did not say anything to me about this topic, nor did i ask Him because He will bring it up when He chooses. ... However, my mind can't help but to guess the worst, because surely in the two hours I was putting my son to bed, they discussed it at some point, so Master must have a clearer picture of His decision... and so I can't help but fear the most devastating news of my life so far.

I am angry too, because, obviously my life is not the only one to be affected. We have all planned for my son and I to move in here later this year. I have already turned down one job offer and an interview because I'm thinking I am going to move. Now, this starts... and where am I? But I am not angry at Master, or even at j 100%... just the situation. I know Master loves me... and if j and i never became best friends, Master's love for my son and me would be enough. But, in the end, as Master tries to make two slaves and Himself happy and comfortable... i don't know... I won't even write it... because though I fear, and have begun to expect it, I am still hoping for the best.

Are we all doomed for endless heartbreak after heartbreak? Or is it just me? It's hard not to be self-destructive (that would mean, eating poorly at this point in my life)- if this does end, my son will be the only reason for me to live and not find a slow, indirect way to kill myself.

Well, everybody, whoever read through this post all this way, I thank you so much for your time... if you have any feedback, please share...

[MajesticFae]

I can't give any advice but my thoughts and prayers go out to you, your Master and j. I hope that things will work out for the best.

[tessa]

~hugs mari~ I wish you weren't going through so much turmoil. When real life intrudes into the fantasy picture, one can never tell what will happen. I can't specualte about why j is feeling the way she is. Well, I could as I do have an opinion, but I don't know her side of it, so it's not really fair. Feelings can make people do all sorts of things, from blessed to evil. I just hope that you can all talk openly and work this out so you can all stay together and happy.

The very best to you.

tessa

[cadence]

My heart goes out to you mari.
I have spoken with people who share similar relationships such as yours, and from what I have gathered they are difficult at best to maintain. Everyone involved must be open, honest and above all respectful. Communication between all parties is a definate must.
Even then life can throw a curve ball into the mix: there are times when a person's perceptions, feelings, values and ideas change. They begin to question themselves and feel vunerable to everything. Sometimes, it takes awhile before another person will open up and communicate thier own worries and fears as well.
I am sure that all three of you will be able to sit down together and work out this problem.
Judging in my own opinion on how your Master feels about you, I do not think that he would not just tell you to leave without resolving things first.
I am sorry that this has happened to you, I don't give the greatest of advice, but I hope that I helped out a bit.

[Eponine]

Thank you everyone for your sentiments... believe it or not, they do help...

Well, today was an ordeal of ordeals. The three of us did not get a chance to really... talk... but briefly. In those brief moments, the ultimate question was asked of j: Do you see a resolution with mari staying? The expression on her face was the answer... because it was difficult for her to say no outright...

I broke down embarrassingly, but uncontrollably... the thought of not having Master in my life is so much more than I can bear...

But I was proud of the fact that I was able to consider all His feelings till the very end... my inclination is to get angry and possibly act somewhat psycho... but I didn't, because I didn't want to be that person and I knew Master would be so hurt. Because it would have been like spitting at everything We shared. And I attribute that growth to Master... He is the one who brought me to that level... even though I did bawl and bawl and bawl and still am trying so hard not to because I have to take care of my son... but anyway...

Some possibly good news though... but I have a feeling it won't pan out-

Before I left, I asked if Master would just come spend some time with me...
so He kindly obliged... and We came up with the idea of still seeing each other... but not moving in... and obviously j not really being part of it (which is what He had envisioned originally)...

I don't know how that would work for me long-term and for my son... I would like to give him a family... is what I thought I was going to have... but anyway...

I think... well, if j, being sick, does pass before Master does... and He would want someone again... i couldn't stand if it weren't me... and also Master said the very vague possibility remains that she may find a way to come to terms with it down the road... so... God, i don't want to lose that chance... i cannot let go of this man... I know I know I know... it is hard to find good people- don't they say when you find a good man, he's married? lol... well
anyway... He is beyond belief incredible... and I know He is going through hell as well as j and me in our own ways...

So ... thank you again for letting me share and get this off my chest...

You are all very sweet.

[wingsofanangel]

I'm so sorry you have to go through all of that...

It seems that things are kind of taking care of themselves now... but have you written to J? Often times I know I express myself much better in writing.

Maybe you should write to J and let her know of your care and concern for her... that this is not just all about you and your Master. Let her know what her friendship means to you.... etc...

mabye even print out your initial post and let them read it. She may just be feeling neglected... or replaced.... who knows... its such a tough situation. But it seems whats really lacking is good communication by all of you. Her illness does not excuse rude behaviour or being disrespectful. You are basically a part of that family and deserve to atleast be respected and treated with kindness.

Make your feelings known... let them know it is not just about you and him.. but J and your son as well...


Best wishes.

[Teagan of Sparta]

Just hold on. Listen to some nice inspirational songs. Those always help me.

[carinas]

ummm are you for real? you have gone from blaming j for being selfish, to alluding to kill yourself, to j passing away. i think you have lost track of the fact that these people are married? and that you are not the primary one, you dont get what you want so you act out and lay all the blame on the primary partner,

Before I left, I asked if Master would just come spend some time with me...
so He kindly obliged... and We came up with the idea of still seeing each other... but not moving in... and obviously j not really being part of it (which is what He had envisioned originally)...

thats a relationship of deciet, if this is so then he really has no credibility at all and you by your actions would be welcome to him if this were happening to me.

you know what? seek some help from someone, what you have written sounds like a woman scorned and its come across to me as unhealthy for all concerned.

[~hellish one~]

ummm are you for real? you have gone from blaming j for being selfish, to alluding to kill yourself, to j passing away. i think you have lost track of the fact that these people are married? and that you are not the primary one, you dont get what you want so you act out and lay all the blame on the primary partner,


thats a relationship of deciet, if this is so then he really has no credibility at all and you by your actions would be welcome to him if this were happening to me.

you know what? seek some help from someone, what you have written sounds like a woman scorned and its come across to me as unhealthy for all concerned.

tone it down please. we are not here to judge others. mari poured her heart out to us. her pain, fears, confusion...everything...and i'm sure the last thing she needs right now is someone judging her emotions and reactions to a very stressful situation in her life right now.

she never once said that she and her Master would be deceitful and hide their separate relationship from j...she just said they considered it as a possible solution. that is all.
~~~~~
mari, honey, no one is here to judge you...and we want you to feel free to vent your frustrations and problems. we may not be able to do much, but we will do what we can. poly relationships are a complicated thing...it doesn't work for everyone and it's not widely understood and accepted so there is bound to be some confusion and misunderstandings in regards to it, but i WILL NOT allow anyone to tear you down in your time of need. i will be sending you a PM shortly...an experience of mine that i am hoping will be helpful to you, but something i am not comfortable sharing here. until then...~hugs~ please continue to share your feelings with us and let us help you.

[Eponine]

and you by your actions would be welcome to him if this were happening to me.

Carinas: I do not understand what you mean here.

...these people are married? and that you are not the primary one, you dont get what you want so you act out and lay all the blame on the primary partner,

No, Carinas... it was not presented that way: as my intruding as a third wheel to a married couple. It was meant to be a triad. Not two people and a sextoy... And I do not believe that Master ever lied to me.

tone it down please. we are not here to judge others. mari poured her heart out to us. her pain, fears, confusion...everything...and i'm sure the last thing she needs right now is someone judging her emotions and reactions to a very stressful situation in her life right now.

thats a relationship of deciet, if this is so then he really has no credibility at all...

she never once said that she and her Master would be deceitful and hide their separate relationship from j...she just said they considered it as a possible solution. that is all.

EXACTLY, Hellish One. Thank you.

mari, honey, no one is here to judge you...and we want you to feel free to vent your frustrations and problems... but i WILL NOT allow anyone to tear you down in your time of need.

Thank you, hellish one!! Thank you so much...

[Mishka]

I'm sorry things are so difficult right now, and I hope everyone can come to an understanding, hopefully beneficial to all. It might not look how you planned but whatever is healthy, especially for your son, is most important.

Was j sick when she and her husband began looking for another partner? Has her illness gotten worse? There could be a combination of issues.

She thought she would be happy like this (for the happiness of her husband) and isn't...

she sees how well you and her husband get along and wishes beyond belief that she could satisfy him that way...

her symtpoms and the consequences of them could be getting worse and more painful. Depending on the person will depend on how this effects her emotions, thoughts and what she says.

Focus on your son. Your job, where you live, your time to care for j and Master are all hinged on his needs. I hope that will help some.

[carinas]

sorry i am not judging, im stating the obvious, my opinion differs and is taken as an insult, im sorry you see it that way.

[Rhabbi]

Sorry to hear about your difficulties and I hope that everything workss out for you.

[^firefly^]

mari,

I've said before that poly relationships are always the hardest to maintain, but with some of the most awesome benefits if you can make it work. *hugs* You hang in there. Make yourself happy. Don't worry about any of the negative things others may say--only worry about doing what is right for you. Take care of yourself and your child first, and let everything else fall into place, as it will.

And if you ever need a place to cry, vent, or whatever...my PM box is always open.
*more hugs, just in case you need them*

[carinas]

im judgeing what you wrote and it came across to me as sour grapes and wanting it all on your part.
people dont always see everything the same, im sticking with what i originally posted, whether my opinion is liked or not.
have a good day.

[Eponine]

im judgeing what you wrote and it came across to me as sour grapes and wanting it all on your part.

Yes, of course I want it all!! But it was offered and promised vehemently to me!!! Please understand that. I did not impose myself on them. They looked for me, and invited me in, even becoming frustrated when I sometimes did not believe that it could be for real!!

people dont always see everything the same, im sticking with what i originally posted, whether my opinion is liked or not.
have a good day.

You have a right to your opinion, of course. However, hellish one's point was for you to "tone down". There are many different ways to state your opinion. Instead of "are you for real?" you could have said, "You may be missing something here" or something like that.

And perhaps there is something to your words- perhaps others feel the same way, but have pointed out other things, or pointed it out to me in a kinder way.

[jeanne]

mari,

My heart goes out to you, what a difficult situation. Like tessa, I won't try to guess what j's feelings are...but I can share my feelings about adding another submissive to my marriage...

This weekend, I shared a fantasy with my husband - a one-time thing that I'd be willing to do if all circumstances were perfect: for him to watch while I have sex with another woman. He loved the idea, but added his own part to the fantasy - rather than watch, he wants to participate. To be honest, that hurts in a way that really surprised me. I'm spending a lot of time thinking about it - why am I hurt? Am I afraid he'll like her better than me? Will he want her more? Is it just the act of sex with another woman by him that bothers me? And the ultimate question - if I don't ever do this, does that mean I'm not "truly" submissive to him? Aarrgh - what a tangle! We've been together 22 years, but only begun the "BDSM journey" in the last few months and we are both happier in our lives and with each other than we've ever been. I guess I'm afraid of all the above things. What a window into my own insecurity this possibility has given me. So, now, I'm just letting it sit in my brain and trying to let go of the fear. It won't be happening any time soon and will require lots of clear communication between the two of us. We may never do it, then again, who knows?

Take care of yourself and your child above all else, mari. You are special simply because you exist and must love yourself first and foremost. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you navigate this difficult path.

jeanne

[carinas]

so unless my opinion is soft and fluffy im being a meanie, gawd, you posted it to an internet forum, you will (maybe/maybe not) come across others that say it like it is and not powder coat things to save peoples feelings, truth is harsh and it isnt always gunna come across as nice.
thats it for me, i wont come back here, i didnt expect fluff on a bdsm site.

[MajesticFae]

so unless my opinion is soft and fluffy im being a meanie, gawd, you posted it to an internet forum, you will (maybe/maybe not) come across others that say it like it is and not powder coat things to save peoples feelings, truth is harsh and it isnt always gunna come across as nice.
thats it for me, i wont come back here, i didnt expect fluff on a bdsm site.

You're entitled to your own opinion, but I personally think you could have expressed it not so harshly. You were being very rude when mari poured her heart and soul out to us for advice. She didn't do that to get rude comments. There are many other more polite adult ways your words could have been worded that would not have come across as rude.


Fluff is everywhere that women congregate. BDSM isn't about just whips, chains and pain. There is a lot more to it, including fluff. Your opinion doesn't have to be warm and fluffy but it needs to be expressed in a manner befitting adults.

[nk_lion]

Sweet mari, I wish that all this pain you are going through will end soon. I'm sorry I didn't post here earlier to give you any suggestions or anything (for the longest time I thought I did...).

But to be completely honest, all I can tell you for certain about your life is that one day, like everyone in this world, you will die, and your son will always remain your son. Why am I saying this? Well, I personally think that if you are running a risk with the possibilities in this relationship, it may not be the best choice for your son. I'm not sure how much a father figure helps in a child's life, I've always accepted the fact that I have both parents, but during those guy moments later in life (birds and the bees, first dates, how to shave, etc) I know I relied on my dad a lot.

I don't know what happened to this woman, but apparently she now thinks that she has the upper hand since she was with your master first. If your master does not come to a decision about the whole relationship, I think that you should confront him with not only yourself, but your son in mind about what choices he plans to make.

Ofcourse, it is simply easy for me to say all of this, I know it must be infinitly harder in your position to follow my advice. I also don't know everything about your life, and just made a few assumptions on what you have written in this thread, so if I said anything that may be or is offensive, I'm sorry. Whatever you decide to do in the end, I hope the best of luck for you, and that whatever happens, you will be happy in the end.

[Eponine]

Fae, nk_lion, thank you for your kind words.. and everyone else as well...

nk- you are right.. thank you.. that is a great point about my son...

Well, as some of you from chat already now... it is done...

I'm sure Michael and I both knew all along... But at least I was able to drive safely home Monday afternoon... because I had the thought that I would see him again...

Now, being away from him, it is easier... a little easier...to take from the experience the good memories and the lessons... instead of languishing over their ending...

So I will not be mari of Michael, mari<msbermes> anymore... I am working on a new name...

And Rhabbi has graciously and kindly agreed to watch over me in the meantime.

Thank you all again...

[Rhabbi]

I am sorry to see it end for you mari.

[Eponine]

Thank you, Sir... I appreciate it very much...

[angelic.zest]

Sooo sorry to hear about everything thats going on, and i truely hope it all works out in the end for you and ur son. HUGS stay strong

Zest

[caligirl{Rob}]

just big *HUGS* at least you are at a place to begin healing
more hugs!
cali

[nk_lion]

A virtual hug to you mari, I hope you feel better soon.

You're an awesome guy Rhabbi to watch over mari.

[Mishka]

Now, being away from him, it is easier... a little easier...to take from the experience the good memories and the lessons... instead of languishing over their ending...

I'm so sorry mari. May you find tremendous comfort in your son and those who love, support and watch over you. Your reaction and emotions will swing but I hope your heart heals stronger than you were before.

[MajesticFae]

*hugs and muffins and any other baked goods you desire*

[jeanne]

mari, my heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself and be patient with yourself and your emotions as you heal. We are all here for you as needed.

[Pertez]

Dear mari
i feel very sorry for you after reading this
I wish you all the strength and the help from your Friends and loved ones
All the best And Respect
Pertez

And for Rhabbi Thank You, your a Credit to this Community