ummm are you for real? you have gone from blaming j for being selfish, to alluding to kill yourself, to j passing away. i think you have lost track of the fact that these people are married? and that you are not the primary one, you dont get what you want so you act out and lay all the blame on the primary partner,
Before I left, I asked if Master would just come spend some time with me...
so He kindly obliged... and We came up with the idea of still seeing each other... but not moving in... and obviously j not really being part of it (which is what He had envisioned originally)...
thats a relationship of deciet, if this is so then he really has no credibility at all and you by your actions would be welcome to him if this were happening to me.

you know what? seek some help from someone, what you have written sounds like a woman scorned and its come across to me as unhealthy for all concerned.