Blue Monday, you're awesome.

I'm never happy, ever. The closest I get to happiness is like you said, when it's raining. I listen to classical music and sulk, brooding. I'll sit there feeling good/horrible, and in an hour's time, get nothing done but feel like I've accomplished something. Generally though, I'm just numb to things, bored, indifferent, terrified or saddened. I still think life is worthless and am mad at my idiot parents for conceiving me. I have a rage that's directed toward anything I find stupid, such as religion or creating more miserable people.

And yes, when I'm surrounded by those Sunday schoolish kids, I just want to fucking kill them. In a way they give me pride, because I am better than them. Still, I never wish anything less for them but a quick and painful death. I'm also sad because I'm not one of these guys that gets married and then 2 years into the deal realizes he's a sub- I'm more fanatical. I've ALWAYS been a hardcore sexual submissive, and my first time broke my heart sort of. I thought I'd have a more experienced girl ride me and take charge, taking my virginity. What I didn't realize is that most girls hate to dominate. I had to go on top. I had to lead. I had to control... It got so bad eventually that I couldn't have sex anymore, because it brought me to the Virge of tears. I'm not into femenization or acting like a female... I just like getting anally fucked and controlled and loved.

My extreme loneliness makes me crave friendship and affection, but my judgmental attitude keeps me from accepting people... and my awkwardness keeps me from meeting people. I can't even explain how badly I just want to drink some beer with a friend but I can't. I just rot in my room day after day, deteriorating, unable to function. I'm hypersensitive to just about everything... And once i have a friend, ESPECIALLY a female friend, I sit with my head in my hands in my room all day, thinking about everything I told them, or if they like me, unable to sleep at night...

Things get so brutal that I try to camoflauge myself in black... and just blend into a corner. I don't want to talk to anybody unless they're dark or miserable or downtrodden... and still then, they have to be smart enough to amuse me. Once in a while I can stop being an arrogant prick, but then I crave the attention of hedonists and drug users... Drugs/alcohol are the only ways for me to become more social, especially with women... I know that's the wrong path so I convince myself to become a person of reading, of seclusion and of pain... to just sit and sulk and read and absorb. To just let the years of loneliness improve me- and possibly, some day write something meaningful... As though my innate urge to compose means anything- As though leaving behind some fucking book for the ages would let my corpse rot in style.

My ex makes things worse... she calls me and presses guilt 3 times a day. I don't want to go into specifics, but she was hard to dump... Very hard. She couldn't accept that I had my own world view and my own sexuality: Brutality and brutality... She was rather vanilla in many respects and though attractive, her personality didn't suppliment mine. She doesn't care though... she keeps calling and calling and quoting me and telling me everything I did wrong. I'm about as fragile as they come and I can't take her shit.

Most guys can at least expect to find a companion. I can't. There are virtually no female dommes as I always say, and my situation is hopeless. Eh, whattever. I just can't live in REALITY and be a happy person. Well, no one can. That's why most people don't. Oh well. i dunno y iv been lying... im 18, not 27, lol. Just had to get that off my chest