Thank you everyone for your sentiments... believe it or not, they do help...

Well, today was an ordeal of ordeals. The three of us did not get a chance to really... talk... but briefly. In those brief moments, the ultimate question was asked of j: Do you see a resolution with mari staying? The expression on her face was the answer... because it was difficult for her to say no outright...

I broke down embarrassingly, but uncontrollably... the thought of not having Master in my life is so much more than I can bear...

But I was proud of the fact that I was able to consider all His feelings till the very end... my inclination is to get angry and possibly act somewhat psycho... but I didn't, because I didn't want to be that person and I knew Master would be so hurt. Because it would have been like spitting at everything We shared. And I attribute that growth to Master... He is the one who brought me to that level... even though I did bawl and bawl and bawl and still am trying so hard not to because I have to take care of my son... but anyway...

Some possibly good news though... but I have a feeling it won't pan out-

Before I left, I asked if Master would just come spend some time with me...
so He kindly obliged... and We came up with the idea of still seeing each other... but not moving in... and obviously j not really being part of it (which is what He had envisioned originally)...

I don't know how that would work for me long-term and for my son... I would like to give him a family... is what I thought I was going to have... but anyway...

I think... well, if j, being sick, does pass before Master does... and He would want someone again... i couldn't stand if it weren't me... and also Master said the very vague possibility remains that she may find a way to come to terms with it down the road... so... God, i don't want to lose that chance... i cannot let go of this man... I know I know I know... it is hard to find good people- don't they say when you find a good man, he's married? lol... well
anyway... He is beyond belief incredible... and I know He is going through hell as well as j and me in our own ways...

So ... thank you again for letting me share and get this off my chest...

You are all very sweet.