icey - it sounds like your local community isn't very well organized. That's a shame. I would have felt the same as you in that situation - very uncomfortable.

Fortunately, my experience was different. I live near a large city with a very active BDSM community. I attended the 'big' munch that is publicly advertised because I wanted to find out about a submissives support group that met monthly - the existence of the group was available on the internet, but you had to attend the munch to meet the hostess and find out the location.

(There are several BDSM and D/s groups in my area - you could go to two munches a week if you wanted to.)

There were over 100 people there and I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. Nobody came on too strong, I actually met a few very nice people, and I found out the information about the submissives group. That was over a year ago and I attend that monthly subs meeting every month and find it interesting and fun. I've attended the much once or twice more - it's really not my thing since I'm not interested in becoming an active part of the community.