The abuses that i endured as a young adult were mostly brought on by me.....married the wrong guy, who beat me senseless and left my body broken in many ways. i left him for an even worse example, who talked to me so badly that my self esteem is blown to the point that Master has tried for 10 years to convince me that i'm beautiful, and i still have a hard time believing Him when he says it.

i was molested by a cousin when i was 12...this realization came back to me about 2 years ago when i was eating breakfast with the offending cousin.

i was raped when i was 13, and again a week later. i was a runaway, so i just shrugged it off both times and took it all inside.

As to how this applies in my submission......

i do have fantasies like gem mentioned. i had developed some personality disorders and have a hard time trusting anyone, for a minute...then i trust too much. Master is the only one i trust at all, with all of me. However, at times, it's even hard to trust Him. Sometimes the trust takes a bit of coaxing.

i have also discovered that BDSM helps me with many of the issues that i've been dealing with. i keep a cleaner house, for instance. Master helps me keep my tasks and priorities in order, because i'm not an organized person. Some things i'm more able to deal with now, than i was a year ago. i had to realise that i have worth, value, which i had never placed on myself prior to our change to this lifestyle. As a slave, i feel stronger than the abuses that plagued me, they cannot hurt me now, because i'm worth more than what i got in my other life. i stand up for myself now, and do it with the ability to be calm and mostly rational...for the most part lol. If i can take a serious asswhoopin like Master can dole out, then i can also handle the prick at the grocery store who asked me if i'd paid for my hat in front of everyone...oh, yeah, i was calm enough to let Master do the yelling and cussing!

For me, it isn't about the past-even though that's what has made us all what we are today. i can't change the fact that i was raped, but i can appreciate the stripey that the rapists left behind. i can't change the fact that i was beaten, but i know that i can withstand much more than that sonofabitch could ever do to me, the coward! i am who i am because of my life experiences.

And i like me (stewart smalley lol). i just have a hard time thanking Master for His sweet complements.

i will use gem as an example, since i've loved her way of advising folks around here--she is a product of her life experiences too. We all are, actually. Her abuses have molded her into someone who is very open-minded and understanding. This lady's resiliance shines through! gem is also quick to bring up logic and safety in her posts, where applicable. Would gem (or any of us, for that matter) be on this site today if she had not gone through all of that? who knows?

Would i? Would i have met Master if i'd not found the strength to leave those awful situations?

Would any of us be able to appreciate the safety and consentual play as we do now? Would we be here to show support to those who need it in the way that only a victim can be supportive?

These are burdens that we all carry. i believe that we carry them for a reason...maybe to speak a word of guidance to someone who needs it, thereby saving a life...who knows how we all effect the ones that we meet momentarily? a smile made my whole day better last week....just a smile. it affected everything that i did for the rest of the day.

Having said all of that.......here's to you all...victims and nonvictims...

May the best of your past be the worst of your future!