Quote Originally Posted by ashtonDs View Post
I started a new post because this is a different subject.

Some people on this thread are wondering why, if they suffered abuse that they end up in a relationship where they let someone tie them up, spank them etc. A while back I was doing some reading (which I love to do) and ran across an article on the question of why some women have rape fantasies etc. It took me a while to digest the answer, because at first I rejected it outright.

It's not really about wanting to be beaten and raped. It is about wanting sex with no responsibilities, sex with no expectation of having to reciprocate, being able to scream and let your emotions run away. And it can also be a counter to the old "good girls don't do things like that (oral sex?).
I thought about this for quite a while, and I don't think I agree. To me, it's not about wanting no responsibilities or not having to reciprocate -- it's something that I can't really explain, but which goes far deeper than that. Yes, being 'forced' helps at times, particularly if you are on to something you haven't done before and that makes you feel embarassed...so there might be a bit of the old "good girls don't do things like that" thing in it.

To not stray too much from the original subject, I think that other than having been programmed to view abuse as the norm, my submissive nature contributed to picking out the wrong men. I didn't always have a name for it -- but I was always searching for somebody to dominate me. And hell, if you're not careful you get a control freak, and the fun is over faster than it has begun. I always liked to please, and I would always go the extra mile. The thing is, if you are in a BDSM relationship (a healthy, functioning one) this is something that is appreciated. Abusive relationships -- well, you go the extra mile, than another one, another one, get some crap to deal with but walk another extra mile -- all to hear that you're okay, loved, appreciated at some point. Good news is that usually once you noticed the pattern you don't fall for it again. Once you learn that it's not perfectly normal to be treated like crap, things get better. I'm not sure if that is something I carried over, or if it was there already before and made me walk so many extra miles -- but I do have an appreciation void that needs to be fed. Constantly. I need tons of hugs, and a whole lot of assurance that I'm okay, loved, appreciated. It's possibly just another memento.

@fetishdj: The physical aspects of it were not too extreme to start with. I could take being beaten. Actually, from a co-dependent point of view it made perfect sense to me: if my dad beat me, he would be sorry afterwards. I ran away with a black eye for a while, but at least I got hugs and kisses and apologies. The emotional aspects of it were much worse -- and always justified. And it was the pattern that was repeated in mostly all my relationships, too. A guy hit me -- I walked. A guy made me feel like a worthless, little nothing -- I was in for some more. To me it's the emotional scars that run deep...so this may be the reason why I don't have that much of a problem with trusting 'physically' so to speak.

And thanks! I like it too -- saw it somewhere and knew I had to have it!