i dunno, y'all are making me see some more of the patterns in my life....

Not sure what i was longing for as a child. Mom was dying when i was 12. She was sick all the time. That's when i started my runaway pattern. i was known by all police, as they had a permanent photo of me that circulated, and if they saw me out, they took me in. Running from my realty. i still want to run from whatever seems threatening to me, it's like instinct.

When i was with my first husband, he beat the daylights out of me....among other things, and sometimes, when the coast was clear, i left. i'd be gone for a day or so, and he would beg forgiveness, even on his knees. i'd go back. the final beating was just two days before my mom went into the hospital for the last time. my husband had beaten me all over the motel room, and had even ripped the door from the exterior wall. Just a gaping hole and the door (frame and all) leaned against the opening. i had my old baby bed (it had been my mother's when she was a baby) in there, using it for the baby...it was broken to bits when i was thrown into it a few times that day. She had to drive up and see me there, tears,bruises and all. i saw how much it broke her heart....wow, it still bothers me. When she was on her death bed, she came out of one of her semi-comas to tell me that she loved me and wanted me to hear her final wish........can you guess?

i left the asshole the day that Mom died and hid out in the same motel right across the courtyard from him.......but he never knew where i was (we lived in motels, since he only worked 2 days to a week at any job, and we were impoverished). This was mainly because i was staying with (gawd, this is embarrassing) his uncle! i stayed with this uncle for 3 years...he was the one who was emotionally abusive, and made me do a lot of things that i'm not at all proud of...nice one, stripey!! This one wanted to Dom...he wanted a slave...i just didn't realize that's what he was working toward, and i'm not sure that he knew it either. He would have been a really bad Dom, i can tell you that much. my self-worth was nil. i'd lost a lot of weight with this one, which is the only bright side, but the weight loss came because i was always too fat for him, or too ugly. "Look at the jeans on that one," he'd say, "i'd sure like to get into those...too bad you can't...when you gonna lose some of that shitty fat? Fuck, ya look like a pig." Sometimes, he would even drive up next to them and offer rides, saying that "the fatass can be dropped off somewhere for a while," if she wanted to have any fun.

Now, with FixIt, i have a home. i belong, and my son and daughter (who lives with my ex-husband's parents because he broke her arm when she was six weeks old) also belong. Master doesn't run from His problems. my pattern of running, i think, has been broken.

i told those stories to tell you this:
When i weighed 209 lbs 4 years ago (which is a lot for someone who's 4ft 9in tall), and felt that my eating was out of control, i wanted to stop with the food so badly that i had entertained the notion of getting Master (remember-prior to BDSM for us) to abuse me in that manner. i wanted Him to tell me that i was fat and ugly, and show me skinny girls and make comparisons, like uncle asshole had done. Instead, He told me how beautiful i am. i got angry and impatient about it all. i think i wanted to be dommed into weightloss, but didn't realize at the time that there was a way to do this without losing my flatlining self-esteem. Then i ran across a site while doing some research for a "dirty book" i wanted to write......it was a BDSM related site! i watched and lurked, went into the chats and watched some more. i knew then that i wanted (needed) to be submissive.

Now, i'm 25 pounds away from goal weight. Master still tells me i'm beautiful, and makes cracks about my skinny ass. i no longer think i'm ugly, though the lil demon that was left still makes it difficult to believe that i'm beautiful, and accept a complement.

i guess BDSM has made me realize that i can be dommed in a good way. i had always thought, prior to this experience, that a controlling man was NOT what i wanted. i never would let Master control anything (more patterns?). Now, all i want is for Him to take care of me...let me be His honored slave and place me on that slave pedistal. i've always been on a pedistal with Him, but this one feels much better. Master is new at this..........but He's doing a damn fine job!

I hope this wasn't off topic too much...sorry if it was.