A few questions concerning punishment

[BarYen]

Thanks a lot to all of you... I'll go back and do that little individual thanks thing soon...

one remaining question: do BDSM couples have regular couple fights? yelling, screaming, negotiating?

[hopperboo]

one remaining question: do BDSM couples have regular couple fights? yelling, screaming, negotiating?

Yelling and screaming isn't normal...I don't think. :-s

I hope not or I don't want to be a normal couple....

[Logic1]

Yelling and screaming isn't normal...I don't think. :-s

I hope not or I don't want to be a normal couple....

No we dont fight and we try our darndest to discuss problems as they occur and go from there.
I am no fighter but more of a diplomat and so is my girl so that doesnt leave much room for fights which both of us are glad to not have.
For me a fight with yelling and screaming isnt normal and nothing I would want. That just seems to be hard on a relationship in the long run.
I used to live with a girl that thought fights were normal and an everyday occurance. Glad that relationship is over!

[J-Go]

Thanks a lot to all of you... I'll go back and do that little individual thanks thing soon...

one remaining question: do BDSM couples have regular couple fights? yelling, screaming, negotiating?

I don't think BDSM couples are any different when it comes to disagreements than any other couple. I will say that the lifestyle has taught me how intimate a good fight can be. I can tell you from experience that being a Dom in a relationship does not make me the be all and end all in opinion nor does it always give me the last word in a disagreement. If anyone is looking to this lifestyle to end all confrontation with their significant other…good luck!

[DowntownAmber]

I don't think BDSM couples are any different when it comes to disagreements than any other couple. I will say that the lifestyle has taught me how intimate a good fight can be. I can tell you from experience that being a Dom in a relationship does not make me the be all and end all in opinion nor does it always give me the last word in a disagreement. If anyone is looking to this lifestyle to end all confrontation with their significant other…good luck!

*whistles innocently*

No, BDSM won't end all fights, but I do think it helps the parties learn to "fight fair." Well, more fair anyway...lol. I find myself thinking how to word my disagreements more respectfully, and I find myself pausing to think harder about my position. I also listen much better than I used to - as He is making a point I really try to trust His opinion and see where He is coming from. My two cents, anyway.

[Ozme52]

I don't think BDSM couples are any different when it comes to disagreements than any other couple. I will say that the lifestyle has taught me how intimate a good fight can be. I can tell you from experience that being a Dom in a relationship does not make me the be all and end all in opinion nor does it always give me the last word in a disagreement. If anyone is looking to this lifestyle to end all confrontation with their significant other…good luck!

'Tis true.

[Flaming_Redhead]

First of all, what sort of thing is a punishable offense?

Basically, anything the dominant decides is a punishable offense. It could be tardiness, profanity, failure to complete a task, disobedience or disrespect.

There have to be some things that are let to slide, no?

Again, it's up to the dominant. There are some who are very strict, and there are others who are more easygoing.

Is it still "play" or are punishments serious facilitators through which to express anger?

There's a difference between play and punishment, although some of the methods may overlap. I don't agree that things you love to do shouldn't be used as punishment. I love spankings. However, there's a big difference in a spanking for punishment and spanking for pleasure. Daddy loves to spank me, but he doesn't need to invent reasons to do it. He can do it at any time and for no reason.

That's why the dominant has to be clear about the infraction that occurred and what he's going to do about it. A dominant never spanks or whips while angry since he must always be in control. A punishment need not happen immediately while emotions are high, so he could send her away until such a time as he has decided what to do and has regained composure.

Do people in D/s relationships have just regular-old-relationship fights (yelling and heated conversation)?

I certainly can't speak for everyone, but in my experience, it's not the case. There might be heated conversation, but I know I wouldn't be permitted to raise my voice or walk away while being spoken to. A level of respect should be maintained at all times by both parties. However, it's possible for tempers to flare on either side as we are all still just human. When that happens, it's best to stop talking and separate until everyone is calm.

What factors does one use to decide what the punishment will be?

It's totally subjective. The dominant has to decide whether the infraction was done willfully or accidentally. Another factor might be whether or not the instructions were understood. The punishment may be more harsh for a repeated offense than for the first time.

Do Doms breach "hard limits" of their subs when punishing them?

Not if he wants to continue the relationship. A hard limit is a deal breaker. For instance, if a submissive lists golden showers as a hard limit, it means she won't do it under any circumstances. If a dominant punishes her by pissing on her, the game is over. He has just destroyed any trust and respect she had for him.

[Ozme52]

Thanks a lot to all of you... I'll go back and do that little individual thanks thing soon...

one remaining question: do BDSM couples have regular couple fights? yelling, screaming, negotiating?

Vanilla or lifestyle, that's about the level of communication. If you talk about issues before they become irritants, then there is no screaming or yelling and the fights, per se, are few and far between.

Because lifestyle promotes communication, perhaps not.

Negotiating is the result of better communication... so it's on the other side of the continuum, imo, from the fighting question.