Polyamorous or just not sure?

[Ozme52]

i was actually discussing something similar with my mother a while ago, and i liked the way she put it:
In other cultures, what we choose to call primitive [which is so not true necessarily], men had different wives/women/partners not only for their own pleasure but also for the comfort of the women. Each wife/woman/partner was in charge of a specific duty. Today a wife has to be a good mother, a good spouse, good at her job, social, take care of herself and be pretty, have food ready for the family and so on and so forth and all that with a smile on her face.
I've met a Family in poly, they love each other, they care for each other and they respect each other, which i find acceptable in every way. I am not saying i could deal with it--i don't know, but i doubt that i could. I need and want to be special to my Dominant, if i feel that i cannot satisfy his needs i'll just break down--but in no way would i be judgemental of a poly relationship. After all, i'm pretty sure we know of many people cheating on their partners--at least in this case, it's consensual and all needs are met.
but that's just me :x

I understand the sentiment, but why do you set the standard that 'special' to him means you and you alone? Should children feel less special if they have siblings?

And please, not the standard "that's different" argument. Unless you can explain how it's different. Because I don't see it.

[DowntownAmber]

I understand the sentiment, but why do you set the standard that 'special' to him means you and you alone? Should children feel less special if they have siblings?

And please, not the standard "that's different" argument. Unless you can explain how it's different. Because I don't see it.

Sorry Oz, you know I adore you but I'm gonna' fling the bullshit flag out onto the field on this one. I'm groovy with poly when it does indeed work for all parties involved, I've said as much prior in the thread. It's all about what you can handle and not biting off more than you can chew. However, a parent to child relationship and a sibling to sibling relationship is not the same dynamic as romantic and sexual love between adults. A parent raising a child is mentoring a growing person with a developing intellect into a young adult who will one day be outed from the nest and expected to exist on their own. As parents, part of the job description is to make the little snot nosed DNA copies function apart from us. As romantic partners (key word there being "partner") the goal is the opposite: we're trying to figure out how to function with each other.

A parent, I would hope, would indeed love their child/ren for life. I would hope a parent would not choose obvious favorites. My parents had three of us, loved us all and cared for us all and their pride and love is clear in their eyes when they look at each one of us. However, it is nothing compared to the depth that exists when they look at each other and, in their case, only each other. After nearly 33 years of marriage they are still so enthralled with each other that there is simply no more room for anyone else.

[jeanne]

Perhaps poly is a workable life choice, but it does require a particular degree of openness. And a finely tuned consideration by and for all parties involved.

And yes - love for children is different from love for lovers. It's not easily explainable, it just is.

[Ozme52]

Perhaps poly is a workable life choice, but it does require a particular degree of openness. And a finely tuned consideration by and for all parties involved.

And yes - love for children is different from love for lovers. It's not easily explainable, it just is.

Perhaps because I don't have children, I can't understand it... the difference.

Perhaps because I don't have children, I treat all my adult loves as most treat their children. Does that make me, as a poly personality, shallower or deeper?

[jeanne]

Perhaps because I don't have children, I can't understand it... the difference.

I don't think that's the case at all. It is, of course, tempting to fall back on that easy response, but it's facile. I'm going to think a moment - will attempt an explanation. Perhaps it will make sense, perhaps not.

Perhaps because I don't have children, I treat all my adult loves as most treat their children. Does that make me, as a poly personality, shallower or deeper?

Only you know the answer to that. Each of us finds what works for us, and makes our own peace with it.

[jeanne]

Love for children vs. love for lovers.

When I try to come up with what the difference is, it's hard to think rationally about it. It's just one of those things that I accept as true without questioning why. So here's my attempt at 'why'.

Love is made up of a lot of different elements. There's need, desire, protectiveness, generosity, selfishness and selflessness. I know there's more - and I'm sure ya'll will tell me - those are just the ones that occur to me now.

Feeling love for a child is accepting the eventual change in the relationship, the eventual loss of the intensity of the bond that is formed at birth (or when that child becomes a member of your family). That is a component of that kind of love. It is fraught with responsibility and fear, accompanied by myriad intangible rewards. The big reward is raising them and seeing them become happy, functioning adults, who loosen their bond with you voluntarily.

Love for a lover though...rather than accepting the eventual loss of the bond as part of the process, as part of how you love, we want that bond to last and grow stronger. And we expect, when we say "I love you" to another, for the bond to strengthen. Often this does translate into monogamy. It depends on the person. And when we say those words to another, it is often a way to feel special. And when we hear them, we believe that we are. "Hey", we think, "this person, who I love, also loves me! I trust that they will care for my heart, as I will try to care for theirs, and treasure my love." It doesn't mean that we can't also love others, though.

Love for our children is strong, almost indestructible. Romantic love, when wholehearted, can be fragile. I personally hate that it is, at least for me, but it is.

I fear I didn't do a good job answering the question...oh well.

[sidhewolf]

Love for children vs. love for lovers.

Differences and in commons in these things *to me* are these; The In Commons I believe and experience to be > Long Term Committed Love. Another in common component can be the depth of that Love. And the Responsibility that entails. Love for Lovers has a component most don't have in common with say Love for Mother, Father, Brother, Sister, Children, and that is that capacity for a sexually intimate Relationship, and other factors that such a Relationship may entail. Which is typically not a component of Bio Family Love. And yet still, Loving someone differently does not mean Loving less. It's really hard to compare apples to oranges, even though they are both fruit.

Respectfully~SidheWolf