Fear, stupidity or something else

[chalsia]

for the last six month or so i have attended some local munches and sloshes and such and really enjoyed myself, even though at times they were scary. I have made some friends so did not think anything of it when i was invited to a birthday party to a local submissive. Everything seemed innocent enough until the Dom of the submissive who's birthday it was .. pulled her over a table and fastened her to it. Yes yes I know she liked it, but what totally took me off guard and freaked me out, the Dom handed me a paddle and told me to start paddling her for her birthday.
I do not know what happened.. i simply freaked out and ran out of the house into my car and went home. I'm stupid i know, but i could simply not see myself hitting another human being, even knowing that she wanted and liked it. Now of course i have the dilemma on how will i ever face this group in a munch again?

[TwistedTails]

With a smile, a healthy red tint to your cheeks, and the same kind of honesty that you just posted with. I'm sure they will be relieved to find out that you were just a little nervous and bolted. It happens sometimes.

[Diablo]

I agree with Twisted. And you'll share a good laugh over this one day soon.

[Lisais mine]

hey- you weren't expecting anything of the sort- and if you aren't the type to
grab that paddle, then you were completely out of your element. I love to give a good spanking, and I don't know what i would have done. Just explain your feelings. it'll be fine.

[leah06]

I don't think you have anything to apologize for. In fact, I think you might want to reconsider this group. OK, I haven't been to parties of this sort and I guess this might be standard behavior since others don't seem to find it shocking, but here's my feeling - yes, you knew she was a sub and yes, you met them at a fetish event, so OK, probably the spanking itself shouldn't have been a surprise to you. But for someone who doesn't know you well and doesn't know your preferences to just thrust you into a scene like that, I think it's intrusive and wrong. Furthermore, I think he knew that. I think he was relying on your inexperience and good manners to prevent you from objecting.

I'd be curious to know if anyone else sees it this way.

[jeanne]

I do see it that way, rachel.

But, on the other hand...entering the local kinky community is not for the faint-of-heart. If being in a situation like that is enough to send one running from the building...maybe the desire and will to become a part of the community needs to be re-examined. A simple "no thank you", handing the paddle back to the Dom, was all that was necessary.

After all, the kinky community is just that - kinky! Naked people, scenes, flirting...and yes, being in situations you aren't ready for sometimes...is par for the course.

I will echo the advice already given, chalsia - continue to attend the events with a smile on your face and if asked about that party, just say that you were completely taken by surprise and over-reacted.

Part two of the advice - next time something happens that makes you feel weird, take a deep breath! Then, say "No, thank you." Or leave the area. Or smile and walk away.

[Lisais mine]

It's rude to just hand someone you don't know an instrument of torture and expect them to use it. It is a violtation of the girl on the table too, in my opinion. It's the dom's duty to protect their sub, is it not? that's part of it for me at least.

[lucy]

I see it exactly like rachel, i think i would have bolted for the door too. IMO that Dom should have taken you aside and asked how you feel about it and given you some time to think it over.

[tina2008]

When I'm invited to a birthday party, be it kink folk or not, I expect the usual birthday party theme. Was there any indication that the invite was for a birthday/kink party? I'm submissive and other than giving one or two birthday "taps" I doubt that I would want to paddle another submissive.

My reaction would probably have been the same; head for the door PDQ as this wasn't consensual.

If you feel you overreacted and are embarrassed, prior to attending another munch, etc., I would contact the submissive and let her know you were caught off guard. Perhaps she can express this to others who may have felt "your" behavior was rude or odd and you guys will get over this.

I wish you the best.

[Ozme52]

It's rude to just hand someone you don't know an instrument of torture and expect them to use it. It is a violtation of the girl on the table too, in my opinion. It's the dom's duty to protect their sub, is it not? that's part of it for me at least.

Not really, not at a birthday party... even vanillas often do this. One of the reasons I love going to birthday parties.

Not if the Dom spent weeks teasing his sub about getting spanked ahead of time.

And he was no doubt prepared to monitor the proceedings to make sure any paddler didn't go overboard.

I think that the invitation should have included a "Kinky Agenda" but... lacking that, a spanking/paddling of a submissive birthday girl is to be expected.

I think the advice, in general, is good.

A simple refusal, "no thank-you" would have sufficed.
A future, semi-contrite, explanation of what happened will salve any concern of the other attendees (and by semi-contrite, not that chalsia need say she was wrong for refusing, just enough contrition at her own over-reaction, no more or less than she showed in her post.)

[leo9]

If I went to a birthday party with my local kinsters, I certainly wouldn't be surprised if the "birthday smacks" got a bit more serious than usual.

But I agree that since you were new, it would have been polite to ask rather than just hand you the paddle. Some subs just can't top, and they ought to allow for that.

If they've got any sense at all, they will be the ones to apologise when you go back.

[Arria]

A simple "no thank you", handing the paddle back to the Dom, was all that was necessary.

Part two of the advice - next time something happens that makes you feel weird, take a deep breath! Then, say "No, thank you." Or leave the area. Or smile and walk away.

I fully agree on this with jeanne.

About "this community not being the right one" - I´d be cautious regarding that.

chalsia - I don´t know if it´s any help, but with the scene people hubby and I know, the birthday spanking thing is something special - the sub gets her birthday spanking by everyone in the room, no matter if those other persons are Dom or sub.
It´s actually a sign of trust to be asked to spank the sub in question.
There is nothing more behind it - you are not asked to switch or to Domme, you are just asked to spank at this one time :-)
Nobody will expect you to make a convincing scene of it, or will ask you to switch on other occasions - if things are there as they are here.
Everybody we know in r/l knows perfectly well I don´t have any dominant streak and do not want to switch, but even I have been asked to give birthday spanks, and I have to admit it was rather funny :-)

I would not worry overmuch, just go back and explain. It is perfectly okay not to do something/ not to want something. Saying so politely instead of running away would have been perfectly ok.
Keep in mind that even BDSM people are simply people - nothing more, nothing less.

If, however, they expect you to act in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, avoid that crowd in the future.
But I really don´t think that is the case.

[Arria]

On a more general note, chalsia - it looks to me like you´re rather new to the scene,and on that regard, I have to say it´s very brave of you to attend such festivities alone - I would never have done that when I was new.
I got befriended with a couple who taught me a lot at first, long before they took me to any festivity that included others.
They explained a lot to me, and I was allowed to ask questions until their ears bled.
The first thing they taught me was that I did not have to participate in anything that made me uncomfortable - on the contrary!
BDSM relationships involve a far greater trust than nilla ones, the reason being that the potential for doing not only physical, but psychological harm/damage is far higher.

The BDSM crowd is not some sort of exclusive club where you have to pretend to like everything that´s going on in order to become a member.

While you are going to do and like things that seem unimaginable to you at this point of your journey, there will be things which will always be a hard limit for you, or which just don´t do anything for you. This is ok. It takes all sorts.
There is no need to feel horrified of things you dislike. Nobody will force you to do them.
It is not necessary to be judgemental, though, if you see things going on that do nothing for you (smiles). Just do it like everyone else, and look the other way (in real life) or go out of chat if something that goes on unsettles you.

Keep in mind that what you like, or do, is completely your own decision, not anybody else´s!
If you feel you are too insecure to handle such situations yet (and running away is not handling a situation), perhaps it would be better for you to first establish a friendship with someone you are comfortable with, and ask all questions that bother you, and then return to munches and such at a later time.

Again, I assure you, if these people are worth your time, they will not expect you to do anything you are not comfortable with, ever.

[Arria]

It might be helpful to consider the BDSM world as a restaurant.

Would you expect a restaurant only to serve dishes that are to your liking? Surely not.

If you saw a person eat a dish that was not to your liking, would go walk over and speak loudly with other guests about how horrible that dish was, and that you would never ever want to try it? Surely not, because you would know
- it would be highly rude and extremely bad manners;
- unless you have been expressively invited to share this particular dish, it´s really none of your business.

Try and see the restaurant and look at the menu - there are loads of dishes there, and something for almost everyone.

People are willing to give tolerance as long as they get the same in return...

[ShadePayne]

i agree with Arria..........seems we areof one mind.

[chalsia]

I wanted to say thank everyone that took the time to answer me, you have no idea how much it was appreciated. Wanted to let everyone know that the Dom who handed me the paddle came to see me with his submissive, they apparently felt bad about what happened. He said that they thought of me so much of the group already it did not occur to them that i felt the way i did. I apologized for reacting the way i did and not standing my ground and explaining how i felt. yes i know.. communication.. communication.. communication.. I have so so much to learn. Thank you again, for helping me see the different aspects.

[leo9]

Thank you for the follow up. So many of these problem threads just tail off: it's good to hear of one that ended happily.

[Pearlgem]

chalsia, I'm so glad this worked out well for you and you learned something useful that can only make you happier in the future. I didn't respond to your thread as I had little to say that wasn't being said so much better by others, but I read it with interest and certainly learned from the wisdom you've been offered. So thanks to them, and I'm very glad for you. x x