good_girl

I had a minor breakdown after my first post, a lot of old emotions came flooding back…strangely one of those emotions was of intense pride, the pride I feel for my daughter chokes me up every time, she has always been so strong, wanting to be there for me when her own life was just as hellish as mine. We are more friends now than mother/daughter and I am proud to call her my friend.

Ok enough sap, tonight I will write about the journey that began my discovery of myself, a much happier topic.

So at this point I’m 38, and I am a survivor, I feel strong, a smile becomes natural on my face (something that hasn’t been for a long time) and I’m ready to go out and take on the world…but…how does a 38 year old divorcee with no friends to speak of get back into life…she goes online, and so I did. I joined a social network simply to relearn how to be social.

A few months later I realized that through this and my work I had met some amazing people…I had friends again (I almost feel silly writing this but at the time it was huge to me).

I settled nicely into my new and improved life and soon decided it was time to start dating again YIKES!!! So…where does a 38 year old divorcee who hasn’t dated in almost 15 years meet guys…they go online, and so I did. In case anyone doesn’t know it…90% of the guys on these sites are trolls UGGGG! But I did meet a few nice guys and went on a few dates; problem was, as nice as these guys were there was always something missing.

I had no idea what it was that was missing and spent a lot of time analyzing them and my past relationships...nothing, I felt lost again…there was something I needed but I couldn’t figure out what it was  so I just kept at it, random dates that left me feeling as if I would never find what I needed, until one day a guy IM’d me, we chatted for a bit very casually. He would ask me questions and I would reply wit a yup, naw, pfft or some other off the cuff remark until he suddenly got very quiet for a minute, and then he came back with “I want to hear yes or no!” I laughed my ass off…I was not going to be told what to say by someone I had never even met and I refused to do as he said…he was not happy but I really didn’t care…or did I?

The chat ended pretty quickly after this and I figured I would never hear from him again, but I did, about a week later, he explained to me that he was a Dom and told me about BDSM, my reaction was “to each their own, but not for me”.

Things never did develop into anything with him, but I lost a lot of sleep the next few nights…my mind was now racing…I felt embarrassed and ashamed that I was so intrigued by what he had told me. I started looking BDSM up on the web and became more and more fascinated by what I was reading. Again I looked back at my previous relationships and the one common denominator for me was the feeling that I never really knew how to make my partner happy, the one thing I wanted so desperately to do.

Slowly I began to realize that this was what I had been missing in my life....but now what….next chapter soon to come