Struggling With the Transition

FixIt and i have been in one sort of argument or another every weekend over the past 5 weeks. Right now, the collar is off, because He ordered it that way. i guess He's right. i think we are moving a bit too fast.

i was in the lead for 10 years. i wanted to be in a D/s relationship with Him, and introduced Him to this lifestyle. In the beginning, it was easy. Now, i find it difficult when i'm upset about something, to talk to Him. I can't seem to get the words out in a way so that He understands that i'm not attacking Him. He thinks i'm attacking, and tells me to stop, and i can't make myself comlpy because i feel that i'm being treated unfairly (as if He doesn't seem to want to hear my side at all), and everything just gets worse.

Every argument brings the heavy possibility of Us splitting up. i'm very afraid.

To add to the strain, our son is in trouble with the law, and we've had to give up a group of friends because of it. Our son has made a couple of statements that have lead us to believe that he was molested by one or more of his new friends, who are older.

I can't say that i know exactly how you feel because i don't. I can tell you that i think it is very normal to have a transition period. I led during most of my previous vanilla relationship, at least on the outside. Behind closed doors was a different story as he was abusive. Which brings me to my Master now. At first things seemed to move perfectly. He was like super Master, reading my mind, knowing just what i need or want. Perfect. But of course we had our first few....i won't call them fights... but it changed the dynamics because he's not perfect, he makes mistakes and he made me cry. We don't always get along, i get frustrated alot, i don't feel like he listens sometimes, but i do know that he cares and has my best interests at heart and i have his. I don't know your exact situation but i do know that when Master doesnt listen because he thinks i am being irrational (as if!), he tells me i need a break and to come back when i'm settled down. Oh and does that make me mad! but once i do settle down i find that it is a little easier to communicate my needs with out "being fired up". When that doesnt work i write a letter. Sometimes i may spend and hour or so, pouring out my feelings, in heartfelt respectful way. When he reads it, it usually works. One, because he can't interrupt, you have the floor so to speak. Two, because you have taken time and considerable effort to make your feelings known in a non combative way. He should respect that. By that time you should both be able to have an "intelligent discussion" (Master has these ideas that a person can't be intelligent while they are mad?!)
By that i mean that you have both had time to think through what you need to say and relay it in a calm and rational tone. i don't know if this will work for you, but it has helped me.

I am very sorry about your son. I could not even imagine. I have twin daughters who are eight. I think i would go on a murderous rage should anything happen to them. My heart hurts at the thought. I send your family my love.

Something to consider - I only say this because it's been my own experience.

Could it be that the situation with your son is bringing these issues between you two out in the open? Perhaps you could agree to put them on hold while you deal with him, and then figure out a way, when the time is right, to sort it all out.

For myself, I've recently really, really understood why I don't feel close with my husband any more. It's because when things are going well, the ship is sailing smoothly, everything is the way he thinks it should be...he is fine to live with. He can be loving. But, when the shit hits the fan, when life throws us a curveball, when there is emotional upheaval...it's like he disappears. I can't rely on him emotionally. I can't cry on his shoulder, I can't talk about what's going on (he doesn't want to hear it), I can't share responsibility with him - it's all mine. My fault, mine to fix, mine to deal with, alone. Having gone through three years of increasingly difficult times with our youngest son, I've come to the conclusion that I'm truly on my own.

i'm very sorry to hear, jeanne...

this started before the latest issue with the kid, shortly after We signed our contract. it's like a switch went off in my brain. i feel alone. i miss His love, and i'm afraid that i'm pusing him away. the issues will just keep coming and i feel i need this to help me through the rest of it. i feel sick about it all.

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Originally Posted by stripedangel

i'm very sorry to hear, jeanne...

this started before the latest issue with the kid, shortly after We signed our contract. it's like a switch went off in my brain. i feel alone. i miss His love, and i'm afraid that i'm pusing him away. the issues will just keep coming and i feel i need this to help me through the rest of it. i feel sick about it all.

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I know you do, sweetie. It's hard, when you believe that the structure of D/s could actually help you both deal with life and it's problems, to not have that in a way that works for you as a couple. I wish I had a solution for you.

thanks for your caring reply, jeanne. i'm sorry to be so far down here. i thought i was doing fairly well, but i guess i'm not, at least at this part. it truly does feel like my heart is ripping out of my chest, though. i don't feel that i've been around long enough to beg this much support or knowledge from everyone. Thank you. i really want to fix it, but i'm afraid of what ...i don't know at this point what i'm afraid of exactly, other than losing the one that's meant the most to me...

how does one make up their mind to be submissive and fall short so often? what's wrong with me?

those, of course, are rhetorical, i know the WHAT...the HOW is where my problem lies. If you're meant to be Dom, it's easy to grasp. i feel like i'm meant to be submissive, but letting go of every aspect and allowing someone else to take the wheel on the big issues seems to be just beyond my reach. i can't seem to touch it every time...only some of the time. five weekends ruined.......by lil ole me. What a great certificate that would be. Certified in fucking it all up.

I'm sorry that you're struggling with your submission. Trust me that it is entirely natural for every relationship to have growing pains. D/s relationships are no exceptions to this, especially if you are transitioning from one role to another.

The best thing for every relationship is open, honest communication. It seems that things (from your description) aren't that way. You and FixIt need to find a way to communicate without it becoming a personal attack.

There are few things that you need to bear in mind:

Consider your relevant prior knowledge. Remember, you are both new to this and there are legitimate challenges you can expect to encounter when you first try to learn a new way of interacting intimately. Perhaps the two of you need mentors--even the best Dom/mes can learn from someone with more experience. Encourage him to seek out someone he can trust to talk to about what is happening between you two.

Communicate goals for your relationship. You can’t go from zero to 60 (or vanillia to slavery) in one step. Talk about what the two of you mean by terms you two are using. What do you mean by ‘Master,’ ‘Dom,’ ‘sub,’ or ‘slave?’ What do you want those words to mean in the context of the relationship you two are building (acknowledge the fact that you each have lives outside the roles, as well).

Create a safe space for conversation. During my relationships, I’ve made sure to set up a check-in every two weeks where the collar came off and we talked as equals about any issues. We would also go over her journal and anything that I noted she was struggling with, we would discuss. She could also bring up her challenges. We kept the schedule of check-ins no matter what and, IMHO, our relationship was stronger because we carved out a space to talk.

Finally, watch the language you use in discussions. The way things are said in the heat of the moment may be leading to the other one shutting down and not listening. Acknowledge the reality of what you both perceive. Comments that minimize challenges, can give the impression that something is wrong with the one who is finding things difficult. They may feel that it will be held against them if they ask for help.

ShyGreenEyedGrl has an excellent suggestion that has worked very well for me, no matter which role I've been in. Respectfully writing down your side will give you a chance to order your thoughts and reduce the perceived combativeness. Stepping away from the high emotions and having to verbalize your needs will benefit you both. If FixIt writes back, you need to show the same respect and truly 'hear' his side as well.

Good luck and best wishes as you move forward.

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Originally Posted by jeanne

Something to consider - I only say this because it's been my own experience.

Could it be that the situation with your son is bringing these issues between you two out in the open? Perhaps you could agree to put them on hold while you deal with him, and then figure out a way, when the time is right, to sort it all out.

For myself, I've recently really, really understood why I don't feel close with my husband any more. It's because when things are going well, the ship is sailing smoothly, everything is the way he thinks it should be...he is fine to live with. He can be loving. But, when the shit hits the fan, when life throws us a curveball, when there is emotional upheaval...it's like he disappears. I can't rely on him emotionally. I can't cry on his shoulder, I can't talk about what's going on (he doesn't want to hear it), I can't share responsibility with him - it's all mine. My fault, mine to fix, mine to deal with, alone. Having gone through three years of increasingly difficult times with our youngest son, I've come to the conclusion that I'm truly on my own.

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I understand where you're coming from, jeanne. My first husband was that way. True, he was never home because he was either getting trashed with his buddies, was running from the law or was in jail, but we never discussed our problems. I could never rely on him to be there when I needed him. I had to fix everything on my own, all the time, with no help from him or from anyone else, for that matter.

In the family I was raised in I was taught early on that you fix your problems on your own. You don't go to anyone for help, and that includes family members. When I first started having marital problems I called home (my family was 5 hours away) and my father told me in no uncertain terms that since I was the one who had married the guy then I was the one to fix my problems. I was not to call home about my problems again and I was to fix my problems on my own. So I ended up being even more isolated and alone and the problems continued to get worse and worse.

No one ever told me when I got married that I would end up all alone in that marriage. It's not supposed to be that way. Youre spouse is the one person you are supposed to be able to rely on, to be there for you when the going gets rough.

Life is always dealing us blows of one kind or another. Children are a challenge even when they are model citizens. You have to keep in mind that the two of you together may be better equipped to deal with his problems then if you were at each others' throats. That is not saying that you must stay together to present a untied front. Also keep in mind that if you can't talk it out between the two of you then perhaps outside help is needed and that is true whether it is a vanilla or a BDSM relationship.

One other thought is your son will eventually leave the nest and if you are allowing him to split you up now you may live to regret it later. Just a thought.

Good luck.

Euryleia - your post was very informative and made lots of sense. Thanks!

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Originally Posted by jeanne

Euryleia - your post was very informative and made lots of sense. Thanks!

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You're welcome, jeanne. I hope the lessons I learned the hard way are able to help others.

I wish I could offer you some advice for your situation. Having to do everything on your own must be so very frustrating. My heart is with you.

To take a relationship from 'normal' to D/s after ten years is one hell of a jump. It's not surprising you'll have to back off a bit from time to time.

It's essential to be able to do that too- you obviously need to have a sturdy relationship with someone before you can consider the leap to D/s.

Speaking of which- do you??

To my way of thinking a D/s relationship is more intense than just about any other. I belive you have to work up to it in stages, firm foundations & all that.

Just from what you've said, Dear Abby would probably think that you guys have other issues to sort out, & perhaps would be better off leaving the D/s or just taking it slow.

On top of that you're having troubles with your son- geez, you guys are sure up against it!

Oh & delia's post is very good indeed.

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Originally Posted by delia

Anyone who says that the transition from vanilla to D/s is simple either hasn't done it, or lives in some lala land. Reality? It's REALLY difficult, but as several have mentioned, the key in ANY relationship is communication.

Often, when we first put on that collar, we think that "ahh everything is going to work now." And that extends not only to D/s but into our vanilla issues. Things aren't going to "magically" be fixed by that collar, though. In fact, often things will get more complicated. So if there were a lot of existing problems prior to the collaring, they will still be there afterwards. You have to identify what the root of the problems are, and work them through, one at a time. You have to realize that D/s isn't an "all or nothing" kind of life--the ratio of vanilla : D/s ebb and flow day by day, minute by minute, and at the beginning, there are likely to be a lot more bad days then good days. But stick with it, hang in there, you can do it. The answer isn't to just give up, you have to push through the problems & the issues, one at a time. Line them up, and start to knock them out. There will also be problems you CAN'T solve right away--that's ok, just mutually work on them TOGETHER.

May times, people forget that D/s doesn't mean "I King, you slave," but is instead a deeper level dance of 2 people together. So have that time to talk issues through, don't be afraid to stumble, to fall. EVERYONE who has a successful D/s relationship has gone through the same "growing pains"--it's all part of the process of getting to where you want to be.

Take each seperate thing that you can think of that makes up your "world"--for instance, when you get up in the morning, what are the expectations? What about when you come home from work at night? What about when issues/arise w/the son?--and work on them one at a time.

As the famous quote says, Rome wasn't built in a day. And neither is a D/s relationship... Push through this hard time, you'll be rewarded at the other end!


Ok, I think I have babbled enough...

Good luck!

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Boy, have you ever! Thanks, delia! i'm encouraged by this post. wow!

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Originally Posted by stripedangel

<snip> how does one make up their mind to be submissive and fall short so often? what's wrong with me?

those, of course, are rhetorical, i know the WHAT...the HOW is where my problem lies. If you're meant to be Dom, it's easy to grasp. i feel like i'm meant to be submissive, but letting go of every aspect and allowing someone else to take the wheel on the big issues seems to be just beyond my reach. i can't seem to touch it every time...only some of the time. five weekends ruined.......by lil ole me. What a great certificate that would be. Certified in fucking it all up.

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I don't think that there is anything wrong with you, stripedangel. It can be very hard to turn your thoughts to service and submission, especially when you're dealing with all the same stresses and strains of life prior to adding the D/s element. Perhaps you need to start with smaller tasks and then move on to the big issues. Let yourself feel the success of turning over the decisions on what you wear, for example, and then leverage that to further aspects of control. However, don't think that just because you took the collar that you have been freed from all responsibility.

I say time and again that subs aren't doormats. Neither are they passive. You can't just wait to be dominated (although you might have to wait for permission lol). There are hundreds of things a day that you can do to reinforce your submission.

There was an interesting thread at the beginning of the year (check it out here) where Flaming Redhead reflected on slave rules and her goals for the coming year. I'm not saying that is anyway how your relationship should be (I know mine isn't) but it shows you what truly reflecting about your submission can reveal to you.

As delia said: "Take each seperate thing that you can think of that makes up your "world"--for instance, when you get up in the morning, what are the expectations? What about when you come home from work at night?"

Regards, ER

I won't naysay anything said previously. It is in fact all excellent. Communications is key.

But it is also clear part of your problem is the conflict in yourself between what was and what you want to be.

May I suggest some introspection to help you subdue the inner conflict between what you want and what you were brought up to believe about your place in life... that you can't serve and be equal. (A false premise btw, but it's no doubt part of what causes you conflict. Remember, in every other walk of life, there are hierarchies of authority. It doesn't disenfranchise you of your rights nor your equality at work, to submit to those above you and to decide for those below you... why should it be an issue to submit (or dominate, whichever role you choose,) at home.)

So try this, initially alone, eventually in his presence (when you're ready to play again.)

On your knees, sitting on your haunches is fine, legs spread, hands on your thighs palms up. Head erect but eyes cast downward... or close them (when alone.) This is an excellent meditative position. Imagine your dom in the room just watching you... (did I forget it's best to be fully unclothed.) Knowing he is watching and you are 'waiting' on him and there for his pleasure.

Find your best sense of worth in providing him pleasure. Breathe deeply, in through the nose, out between pursed lips. Calm yourself if you've had a hard day. Smile inwardly imagining yourself the vehicle of his pleasure and the pleasure you yourself will derive in being so ably used.

Do this daily, more often if you find yourself conflicted... or as you find inner pleasure in being in this position. You'll find youself looking forward to it.

Yes, he needs to be understanding of your turmoil and needs to help you, you need to be understanding of it as well and need to help yourself. He really can't help you resolve it alone. It's really mostly your task. ;)

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Originally Posted by Ozme52

...that you can't serve and be equal. (A false premise btw...

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love that! :)

The whole quote is great advice but I just wanted to pull that little pearl out ;)

Just so they don't read it out of context. ;)

Ozme, i wish i could thank you twice for that post.

i was placing it all on Him, still within the belief that it takes two to tango...that makes no sense. What a great point you've made, thank you...again!

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Originally Posted by stripedangel

Ozme, i wish i could thank you twice for that post.

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Go ahead. I enjoy the attention.

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i was placing it all on Him, still within the belief that it takes two to tango...that makes no sense. What a great point you've made, thank you...again!

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;) You're welcome, twice over.

If you decide to do the position, I can offer a second one that is also helpful... and a third. :icon176:

Read this thread too... It's both current and on topic I think. Can I Have It All

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Originally Posted by Euryleia

There was an interesting thread at the beginning of the year (check it out here) where Flaming Redhead reflected on slave rules and her goals for the coming year. I'm not saying that is anyway how your relationship should be (I know mine isn't) but it shows you what truly reflecting about your submission can reveal to you.

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Thanks Eurelia! i have read the first one, and will be back for more, and might post my own diaries, if Master permits, in order to help others who might be dealing with similar issues in the future.

And from one redhead to another.........i'm frikkin impressed. Flaming Redhead, your writing skills are wonderful and i love the way you've put all of that! Thanks.

[QUOTE=Ozme52;637876]
If you decide to do the position, I can offer a second one that is also helpful... and a third. :icon176:
QUOTE]

Careful there, Master will get jealous.......*giggles and blushes*

LOL

i know it can be done.....i have no doubt--and after all that He and i have been through, i know that if anyone can do it, We are the ones. The collar is in its rightful place again :jerry: and We will do this correctly. We have always been a team, and it will not stop now.

i love the advice you've all beein giving and i want to hear it all. PLEASE post to this thread for me, and keep it going any time you think of the slightest bit of info. This type of situation should definitely be something to be expected and others should know that, IMHO.

xxx

stripey

Well, hell, i'll learn how to do it one day. ^^^

Thought i'd drop in and give an update.....

things are getting much better, as we're more able to communicate, in my opinion. of course, we still falter, but we don't expect perfect. the both of us tend to get over our anger much more quickly. we have a few new strategies in place, and i've been reaching out to ask some questions to those who are not so new to the lifestyle. thanks, you know who you are, and you've been a big help!

my journal is getting fuller, and my writings are becomming more...organized. Master has not assigned anything in particular for me to write, i just do it, and He comes along later and reads it.

last time i was badly upset, i sent Him a PM right here on the site. it wasn't easy to write, nor easy for Him to read, but we were able to talk about what i'd had to say. i was also able to be more respectful in what i said, since i had time to think about it.

Y'all are great, thanks for the support and advice!! *huggles*

Thanks to You, Master, for growing along with me in this journey. You, Sir, are the best of the best and i'm so very proud to be your wife...your slave.

Thanks for giving us an update. It is good to see that you have been able to use some of the strategies outlined here and that you're doing the work necessary to grow in your relationship.

Best wishes as you continue to go forward.

comunication is key, yu go girl, and Mr Fix It ,it takes lots of strength and patience (which I sence you possess in abundance by your posts) and I know you two will continue to work it all out, best wishes for you both, let me or my owner know if we can help in any way,

hugs and kissess

always good to hear when things progress past hardships especially here where everything can seem that much more complicated and difficult :)

congratulations on persevering for the relationship on a whole!

best of luck to you both xo

Once again, thank you for sharing, stripey. Nice to read things are working out for the both of you. Looks like the D/S lifestyle (and apparently some advice from members) actually helped you both in finding a solution. Is that indeed the case?

Boundtowrite

If it weren't for this site, i would have had no examples for Master to go by, and no advice from anyone. We all need support in our journeys, and i thank you all for posting in this thread...so very much.

Being in the lifestyle has enriched our relationship and forced us both to pay more attention to the important things...and it has helped me with the discipline of my son, believe it or not. i am more effective with him than i was a year ago.

Thanks!!

Much love to all!

xxx