Struggling With the Transition

[jeanne]

Something to consider - I only say this because it's been my own experience.

Could it be that the situation with your son is bringing these issues between you two out in the open? Perhaps you could agree to put them on hold while you deal with him, and then figure out a way, when the time is right, to sort it all out.

For myself, I've recently really, really understood why I don't feel close with my husband any more. It's because when things are going well, the ship is sailing smoothly, everything is the way he thinks it should be...he is fine to live with. He can be loving. But, when the shit hits the fan, when life throws us a curveball, when there is emotional upheaval...it's like he disappears. I can't rely on him emotionally. I can't cry on his shoulder, I can't talk about what's going on (he doesn't want to hear it), I can't share responsibility with him - it's all mine. My fault, mine to fix, mine to deal with, alone. Having gone through three years of increasingly difficult times with our youngest son, I've come to the conclusion that I'm truly on my own.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

Something to consider - I only say this because it's been my own experience.

Could it be that the situation with your son is bringing these issues between you two out in the open? Perhaps you could agree to put them on hold while you deal with him, and then figure out a way, when the time is right, to sort it all out.

For myself, I've recently really, really understood why I don't feel close with my husband any more. It's because when things are going well, the ship is sailing smoothly, everything is the way he thinks it should be...he is fine to live with. He can be loving. But, when the shit hits the fan, when life throws us a curveball, when there is emotional upheaval...it's like he disappears. I can't rely on him emotionally. I can't cry on his shoulder, I can't talk about what's going on (he doesn't want to hear it), I can't share responsibility with him - it's all mine. My fault, mine to fix, mine to deal with, alone. Having gone through three years of increasingly difficult times with our youngest son, I've come to the conclusion that I'm truly on my own.

I understand where you're coming from, jeanne. My first husband was that way. True, he was never home because he was either getting trashed with his buddies, was running from the law or was in jail, but we never discussed our problems. I could never rely on him to be there when I needed him. I had to fix everything on my own, all the time, with no help from him or from anyone else, for that matter.

In the family I was raised in I was taught early on that you fix your problems on your own. You don't go to anyone for help, and that includes family members. When I first started having marital problems I called home (my family was 5 hours away) and my father told me in no uncertain terms that since I was the one who had married the guy then I was the one to fix my problems. I was not to call home about my problems again and I was to fix my problems on my own. So I ended up being even more isolated and alone and the problems continued to get worse and worse.

No one ever told me when I got married that I would end up all alone in that marriage. It's not supposed to be that way. Youre spouse is the one person you are supposed to be able to rely on, to be there for you when the going gets rough.